WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 9 June 1934, Page 3

WEEK-END SMILES

HIS ACCOUNT. Friend: There wasn’t a very big account of your daughter’s wedding in the paper. Father (sadly): No, the big account was sent to me. A HINT. The Bore: I’m rather good at imitations. I imitate almost any bird you can name. The Girl (stifling a yawn): How about a homing pigeon? NOT YET. “Have you any children, Mr Jones?” “Yes. Three daughters.” “Do they live at. home with you?" “No; they're not married yet.” SHE KNEW HIM. He - One night while you were away [ heard a burglar. You should have seen me going downstairs, three steps at a time. Wife: Where was he —on the root.

PLACED. B-P: VVhi’.t kind of a girl is Helen? Torn: The kind that would rather share a. fellow’s theatre tickets than his problems. COULDN’T SAY. “Momma, when the lire goes out where does it go?” “Mv dear boy, I oon t know. 3.011 might just as well ask me where your father goes when ho goes out.” IN CAUSE OF SCIENCE. Lt'dv of House (to new gardener). William, I want, you to clean the beehives, and when the bees sting you .ci. me know immediaeiy. as 1 want to try some new anti-stingo I have mixed. WELL CHOSEN. “What do you call your dog?” “Funny name. WHy?” “ ’Cos he won’t bite. IDEA. “That embrocation made my aim Sll ‘‘Then why not buy another bottle for your head?” IN THE SOUP. Diner: Cold soup again, 1 see. V’aiter (about to serve soup): Hot do yon know, sir? You haven t had a Dljisr: Ah, no. but I see you aren t scalding your thumb. INSULTING. . . “But why are you so angry with inc doctor, Mrs. Blank?” , I£ . k m “1 told him 1 was, tired ,and h. • > - to see my tongue.” ONCE BITTEN. She: Have you ever had a lesson bv correspondence. He: You bet! I never v. ide . . women now. RING CAREER. He: It was the ring that ruined me Friend: Boxing or betting ring. He: Wedding. JUSTIFIED. Lift Attendant: Here you are, sonny. This is your flooi. Superior Youth: How dare you cau me “sonny”! You are not my iat.ier. Lift, Attendant: Well. 1 brought 3011 up, didn't I? SLOW. Sister's Fiance: Weil, Bobby, liave you’ heard that I was to be one of the family? , .. p.obby: Sure, long ago: haven L you?

A DISAPPOINTMENT. He: I’ve come to a conclusion. She: What is it? “I realised to-day that 1. have been a bachelor for thirty-eight years, and “Ob, Jack, this is ” “And 1 decided I'd had a jolly good time and that. I’d keep it up.” A USEFUL CLOCK. Sawkins: What kind of a clock is that you’ve got on the mantelpiece, Jawkins? It doesn’t seem to be right. Jawkins: Sh-sh. It’s called the married man’s delight, my boy. The hands stop at 10 o’clock every evening, but Hie ticking goes on as loud ;:s°ever.. See? SAYING IT. A meek little man walked into a florist’s and asked for a rose. “Why not, take a. nice bunch home to your wife? Say it with flowers, you know!” asked the florist. “L'm going to,” answered the man. “One flower will be enough—the other’s wouldn’t, have a chance to get a word in edgeways.” A GOOD ARRANGEMENT. “Father,” said little John, as he turned the rages of his history book, “how did the cliff-dwellers keep warm in winter time?” “Whv, I suppose they used the mountain ranges. Don't ask any more foolish questions.”

MAKING SURE. “1 want a room with twin beds,” insisted the new arrival at the hotel. "Certainly,” replied the clerk, “but what an odd request, from a man travelling alone!” “Perhaps," returned the traveller; "but when 1 spent a night hero last, year I had only half enough bedclothes for one.” SOFA SO GOOD. “CF cou’we. it's awfully good of Uncle Tom,” sighed l\lrs. Newjoin. “but I do wish ho wasn’t so careless!” "Wb."i's he doite now?” queried her vc.itng husband. “V.’lier: he asked me what 1 d like for a. wedding present I told him a nice tsr.set.” groaned the wife, ‘and lies sent me a suttee! HIS LEAD. -Hurrah! ?-e'.led the actor dashing into the room. “I’ve got a leading pari at last." . ... “Splendid,” answered his witt. "What part do you take? r l he J lO1 ’ 1 ? • "Net exactly,” he admitted, but 1 lead in the camel he sits on.” FORBIDDEN. A. woman had been shown over a ’-Wleshiu At the end of her tour ol the ship sho said to a, sailor who had i-eni detailed to explain one or two things' to her: "Tips are forbidden on board this ship, are the” not? “Yc’ the stiiloi. •..]>’ so’ was apples in the gawden of Ed mi.”