WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 17 March 1934, Page 3

WEEK-END SMILES

MISUNDERSTOOD. “I cannot understand this audience,” complained the stage comedian. “Why, here they do not appreciate my turn at all, yet in my last town the audience rose at the conclusion and cheered to a man.” “Ah,” said his manager, wearily, “he was the next turn on, I suppose?” CORRECTED. The two modern society girls were exceedingly jealous of each other, and the conversation as they sat out at a dance was becoming rather catty. “There’s one thing,” said the first, nastily, “I am smart, at all events.” “Well,’.’ replied the other, coolly, “I agree you’re ‘at. all events’ — ; but you’re far from smart!” DEFINED. Freddy: Dad, what’s a family tie? Dad: Mine. Every time I want it, one of you boys is wearing it. DOUBLY SURE. A: The neighbour’s radio is unbearable. Shut the door. B: It is shut. A: Then lock it! A QUESTION OF DAYS. The latest arrival at Dartmoor saw an old chum in the same working party, and greeted him with the usual question: “How long are you in for?” “Oh, seven days.” “But they don’t send you here for seven days.” “Of course' not. It’s for seven Christmas Days.” PINCHED. “I say, Percy, you know that clothes-brush .. Harry pinched from Jim?” “And Jack pinched from Harry?” "Yes.” “Ahd I pinched from Jack?” “Yes.” “Well, someone’s pinched it.” CORRECT. James was not managing to give, much attention to the discussion of carbo-hy-drates, proteins, and fats. Noticing the lack of attention, the teacher asked: “James, what three foods are essential to man’s physical welfare?” “Breakfast, lunch and dinner,” answered the boy. HONOURS EVEN. The street-corner orator had been called on to answer more questions than he expected, and he was becoming- rather muddled. "Tell them all you know,” shouted ti heckler during an awkward pause. “It won’t take you long.” “J’ll tell them all we both know,” replied the orator, “and it won’t take me any longer!” DOOMED. It is always sad when one hears of an old-established sports club coming to an end, and it worried Brown to think that that was what would inevitably happen to his. Brown’s club was doomed by sheer mismanagement. Everything was being so shamefully mishandled by the officials that it was only too easy to foresee the end. It had just had its annual general meeting, and had failed to reelect him to the committee.

SHE WONDERED. Rill Taggs and Joe Taggs made a wager as to which of them could stay under water the longest, and marched down to the canal to settle it. They dived in together and their friends waited. A minute passed, and then Joe Taggs came up gasping. He had had enough. Two days later they were still searching for. Bill Taggs. “Everybody’s awfully sorry, Mrs: Taggs,” sympathised a woman who met the widow in the street. “It’s a pity Bill made such a silly bet, isn’t it?” “Yes,” sighed the widow, “I wonder if he knows that for once he’s a winner?” FAIR EXCHANGE. The conductor had not noticed the hole in the threepenny piece until he had gone well down the bus. After he had finished collecting he returned to the culprit. “Here,” he said, thrusting the coin before the man. “What’s this?” “What’s what?” asked the fare calmly. “This threepenny bit,’* said the conductor. “Look, it’s got a hole in it.” “Well, what, about it?” said the other. “So has the ticket you gave me.” BETTER STILL. Tess: You can’t believe everything you hear. Bess: No, but you can repeat it. A BIT TOO FAR. He: I hear that the people who have taken the manor are frightful swells. She: Oh yes. They’re the sort whose family tree goes back right to the time when their ancestors lived in it. KEEPING IT DARK. “Why is it,” asked the man in the restaurant, “that poor men usually give larger tips than rich ones?” “Well, sir,” said the waiter, “loks to me like the poor man won’t want anyone to find out he’s poor and the rich man don’t want anyone to find out he’s rich.” THEN AND NOW. When we was a courtin’ ’twas jolly fine fun For Nanny, me love, to sit on my knee; But now we are married, I’ve truly begun To think it no joke—her sitting on me. QUIET. “This neighbourhood seems pretty noisy.” “Yes; the only time there’s any quiet is when the trucks drown the noise.”

CHEAP SEAT.

“What are the prices of the seats, mister?”

“Front seats one shilling, back seats sixpence, and programme a penny.” “I’ll sit on a programme, please.”

THE DIFFERENCE. An undertaker, on being introduced to a travel agent, remarked: “Oh, you’re in the same business as I am.”Travel Agent: Yes, with this difference: I give return tickets and you don’t. THE CONTRIBUTION PLATE. The parson looks it o’er and frets, It puts him out of sorts, To see how many times he gets, A penny for his thoughts. FALLING BEHIND. Father: It’s a good plan, my dear, always to think before you speak. Daughter: But, dad, when I do. that the girls have changed the subject, ,