WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 1 July 1933, Page 9

WEEK-END SMILES

HIS REWARD On John’s twenty-first birthday a party was given in his honour, and his mother told all the guests in turn of the wonderful achievements of hei son. “Look at the prizes he has. won! she would say, and each guest would have to follow her to another' room where John’s- prizes were displayed. Chief of all was a silver cup that stood in the centre. “What was this for?” asked one guest. ‘That? Oh, that was lor running, answered the proud mother. “And who presented it to him?” “Well —we did. You see, John would certainly Have won, but he didn’t hear the starting pistol go off!” WRONG TO WRITE Patient (not quite popular author): I’ve got out of-bed, as you told me, doctor, and now I’ve got the itch to write. Doctor: You’d better not, though. You’re not up to scratch. ONE UP “I’ll have you know that I belong to London,” said the young tourist. “’Deed, an’ wha’d hae thocht it?” quoth the Scotsman. “Frae the way ye’ve been speaking I thocht London belonged tae you!” A FREE DAY There was a sound of smashing from the neighbourhood of the kitchen. The mistress went and surveyed the damage. “Realy, Jane!” she said. “Yesterday two cups, now to-day three saucers, and two more cups. What will tomorrow bring, I wonder?” “Nothing, ma’am,” was the reply; “it’s may day off.” SUSPICIOUS The widow bent industriously over her wash-tub. She was listening to the conversation of a male friend, who presently turned the conversation to matrimony, winding up with a proposal of marriage. “Are ye sure ye love me?” sighed the widow, as stye paused in her work. The man vowed he did. Then there, was silence, when the lady raised her head from bending over, the tub to say: “Bill, you ain’t lost yer job, ’ave yer?” HE HAD NOT FORGOTTEN The Husband (looking for sympathy) : Since I married I’ve been through a good bit, I can tell you. The Old Flame: Yes; your wife’s entire fortune, they tell me. A COMMON COMPLAINT “Rheumatism,” said the doctor, “causes one to imagine that his joints are very much larger than they actually are.” / “I know!” exclaimed Mrs Housebody, “our butcher has it!” QUITE SAFE . Friend . (gazing aloft): Aren’t you worried when you see your husband looping.the loop? Aviator’s Wife: Oh, no. You see, I remove all his loose change from his pockets before he goes up.

AT A LOSS “Coming out for a game?” asked Smith, minor, putting his head round the study door. Grey, who sat wrapped in thought at the table, shook his head. “Can’t yet,” he replied; “got a letter to write to my people.” An hour later Smith returned. “Ready?” he inquired, “No, I haven’t finished,” replied Grey wearily. “But why are you taking so much time over that letter to your parents?” asked Smith. “You’ve been at it for over an hour. Asking for money?” “No,” replied the harassed youth; “I’m trying to write without asking for money.” WASTED There were strange doings at the office of Messrs. Solomon and Cohen. For three days the partners had been poring over the books and feverishly adding up columns of figures. Then, at the end of the audit; a .wail of despair escaped the lips of Mr. Solomon.

"Ach, Cohen,” he cried. “Vot a vaste! Ve have given the bookkeeper a veek’s holiday—and his books was right after all!” WHAT CHINA NEEDS Mrs. Twistle: I’m convinced that China needs a firm hand. Mrs. Twostle: I’ve told my maid that, but it’s no use. RESOURCEFUL The bachelor was paying his recent-ly-married friend a visit. “Well,” said the latter, after’they had inspected the flat, “what do you think of it?” “Pretty good,” praised the bachelor, "but there’s one thing that has struck me as rather strange. Why did you choose a flat with such a tiny kitchen?” The married man winked artfully. “You’re the first man I’ve told this to, so keep it quiet,” be whispered. “It’s so small that I can’t get in there to help my wife when she’s doing the washing-up.” NO THANKS The caddie approached the golfer he had been carrying for the previous day. "I’ve got the ball we lost yesterday at the ninth hole, sir,” he said. “A mate of mine found it.” The golfer instantly put his hand in his pocket. “I'll give you exactly what you gave him for it.", he suggested. "No, thanks,” said the caddie, backing away. “I gave him a black eye.” TOO SHORT Sam: , Hullo, Bill, I ’ear you and some of the lads struck for shorter hours. Did you get ’em? Bill: We did —we ain’t working at all now! WHOA! Dunne: It’s one endless tale of woe with Bantry these days. Bunn: Oh, out of work, eh? Dunne: No. He’s a horse driver.