WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 1 April 1933, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

PUT HIM ON THE SPOT. Wife: Wake up, John, wake up! There’s a burglar in the next room. Husband: Well, I’ve no revolver. You, go in and look daggers at him. TIT FOR TAT. “So you broke your engagement to EVelyn? Why was that?” “Well I was only doing to the engagement what it did to me.” PERFECT SPHINX. Lady: I’m very particular. I want a maid who won't answer me back. Agency Manager: I have just what you want —a former telephone operator. HAPPY, THOUGH MARRIED. “You.say you never clash with your wife?” “Never. She goes her way and I go hers." PAST GLORIES. Mrs Newlywed: Well, Stanley, how do you like my pudding? Mr Newlywed: Dearest, it is just like the pudding that father used to say was not like his mother used to make. SEE-SAW. Lady to Tramp: Did you notice that pile of wood in the yard? “Yes’m, I seen it.”. “You . should mind your grammar. You mean you saw it.” “No’m. You saw me see it, but you ain’t see me saw it.” PUTTING THE “U” LN “BUY.” “Yes,” said the gloomy chap, “before we were married she used to say ‘Bye-bye’ so sweetly when I left her. Now it is ‘Buy-buy’!” “Ah,” said his friend, “she puts a different, spell over you.” HELPING THE MINISTER. Clara: Was your fair a success? Dora: Yes, indeed. The. minister will have cause to be grateful. Clara: How much was made? Dora: Nothing.. The receipts were less than the expenses. But sixteen of us got engaged, and the minister is to perform the ceremonies. FRIENDLY WARNING. “Young man, my daughter says you’re planning to elope with her, and I want to give you fair warning.” “Well, si, what is it?”“That ladder of mine out in the garage is cracked!”

THE SAKE TRACK. | The visitor from the great, open I spaces was discussing the world’s rail-' ways with his English friend. “You may think your railways are the safest in the world, but where f come from it is quite impossible Io have a collision on the line,” he said proudly. “But i don’t see how you make that out,” said the Englishman in amazement. “We have only one train,” said the visitor.

( THE HORRID SUSPICION. “I’ve searched high and low for the 1 nrniture-cream recipe your mother gave me—■ Heie! said her husband, putting down his spoon, “where did you get the recipe for this soup?”' THEN HE BEGINS AGAIN. Mrs. Smith: Could I borrow your rug beater? ’ Mrs. Jones: Pm sorry, Mrs. Smith, but he doesn’t got home from work until 5 o’clock. FORCIBLY STRUCK. The Court was trying a case which had arisen out of a car accident. “You say you were half scared to death,” said counsel for the defence, i

I “1 know very well I was,” said the I victim, with warmth. “Then.” said counsel coldly, “how do you. know it was a, motor-car, or something resembling a motor-car, that hit •you?” The victim looked squarely at him. “It resembled one all right,” he replied. ‘‘l was forcibly struck by the resemblance.” > NIGHT WORK. A Scotsman who took over a die- - mist’s shop had no sleep the first night because he stopped up. to watch the vanishing cream. : THE USUAL COMPLAINT. “My dear fellow, your eyesight is per- ' feet,” said the eye specialist, who had - just, concluded an examination. “You don’t think 1 require glasses?” asked his client. “Certainly not;” “Funny!” mused the other. “I was told on twelve different occasiotis last Saturday that 1 did.” “Who told you that?” demanded the occulist. ‘‘The crowd at the football match that .1 refereed,” was the reply. NOT SO EASY. . New Maid: In my last place 1 took things fairly easy. Cook: Well, it’s different here. They keep things locked up. CORRECT. Even the grave and dignified British Civil Service Commissioners could not resist being amused at an answer given at a recent, examination. The question was: “Give for any one year the number of bales of cotton exported from the United States.” The applicant wrote: “1-191. None.” THE CONTORT IONIST. “We live ami learn.” “How so?” ‘‘l've just taken up ‘all-in’ wrestling and seen a. wart on my back for the first time in thirty years. ' PROGRESS. “Are you a back-seat driver?” “Indeed, I'm not. I sit right here whore 1 can grab the wheel if he doesn't do what. 1 tell him.” THE SAFEST PLAN. Ted: Mary says she intends to keep hez youtli. Millicent: She certainly does. She , never introduces iiim to anyone. HIS BOOK-MARK. Teacher: Where are you up to in your studies, Jones? Jones: Just, as far as the book is dirty, sir.

DIG ONE UP, PERHAPS? I jh going to write a book and entitle it ‘The Garden,’ ” said (he author. ( “lit that, case,” replied his friend, I “you’ll need a good plot.” THE PURIST. Haughty Eady (after purchasing a stamp): Must: I put it. on myself? Polite Post Ollice Clerk; No, madam, on the letter. ASSURED Ob’ AUDIENCE. Actor: Yes, my friends, usually my audiences are glued to their seats.

Sceptic: What a, quaint way of keeping them there. 'I’HI'J WOMAN IN TUN CASE. / mother-in-law was in the habit of .visiting h< T daughter just often enough to make tier daughter’s husband wish no hud married an orphan. One day she arrived and found her daughter in tears. ‘‘Wlm;. has happened?” she inquired. Has (merge deserted you? H a « lie run. away?” j -yes!” sobbed the wife 'vi.i‘S“ s iw'r' s “ ""’ n,lul ll,e "Y-you!”