WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 11 March 1933, Page 4

WEEK-END SMILES

PREPOSTEROUS. Defendant (in loud voice): Justice! Justice! Justice! I demand justice! Judge (rapping for order): The defendant will please remember he is in a Courtroom. HELPLESS HUSBANDS. “Of course, you’re lucky! I’m afraid my husband is one of the helpless kind. If he wants to darn some socks or sew a button on, I always have to thread the needle for him.” GIVING THE TITLE. Teacher (to new boy): What is your name, by little fellow? New Boy: ’Erbert ’Arris. Teacher: Always say “sir” when you are speaking to a master. It’s more polite. New Boy (apologetically): Sir ’Erbert ’Arris. WARNED IN TIME.

Mullings, the old countryman, was in London for the first time in his life. His town-bred nephew was showing him the sights. Coming to a cinema the elderly man stopped to stare at the highly coloured posters.

“Great guns!” said Mullings tremulously, as his eyes fell on a large poster displaying a group of lions and tigers. “I’m glad I’m going home on Saturday morning.” “But, uncle,” asked the boy, “why are yon so anxious to get away?” Mullings pointed to a strip of lettering over the poster. “Look!” he said. “It says, ‘To be released on Saturday night.’ ” BUSY BEE OF BUSYBODY? Like a bee flitting from flower to flower, the little woman passed along the shabby street, pausing at every open door for a few words with the occupant. Mrs. Green watched her for a, while, and then said Io Mrs. Brown, “Busy little woman, ain’t she? Always running up and down.” “You’re right,” replied Mrs. Brown, acidly, “What with running up bills and running down the neighbours, she don’t have much spare time.”

FATHER’S FAILING. A boy was crying anti when asked why he was weeping, said his father had thrashed him. “Why?” he was asked. “Because I was doing a crossword puzzle,” the boy replied. “Not much harm in that, eh?” “No, but you see the clue was, what' is drunk in the afternoon? And I put ‘Dad’ instead of ‘tea.’ ” NO ACCOUNT. It was his first experience as a shop assistant. “Have you an account here, ma'am?” he asked, after booking a customer’s order. . “No,” was (he reply, “but I would like to see the manager.” Tho assistant walked across to where the manager stood. “A lady of no account to sec vou. sir.” he said. gone for good.

A man entered an hotel, placed his umbrella, in the stand, and tied a card to it, on which was written: “This umbrella belongs to a. prize-fighter Back in ten minutes.”

When ho returned the umbrella had gone. The card, however, was still there. To it had been added: ’“ijmbiclla, was taken by champion longdistance runner. Won’t be back at all.” RECREATION FUND. ; £! Ye have turned very industrious lately, Tim,” said one Tippcrarv man to another. “That I have, bedad,” replied th<>

other. “I was up before the magistrate last week for battherin’ Cassidy, and the judge tould me if I came back on the same charge he would fine me £2..”

“Did he?” said the first speaker. “And ye’re working hard so as to kape yer hands off Cassidy?” “Don’t ye believe it,” said the industrious man. “I’m working hard to save up the £2.” AN AIRING. After the usual Saturday night romp, the children gathered in the drawing room for some music. They sang several songs, and at last it was eight o’clock. Then mother .said: “Now, children, choose a hymn to finish up with, and then you must all say good-night.” “Let’s have ‘Ere Again Our Sabbath Close,’” said little Elsie, as she turned over the pages of the big hymn book.

“Well, I think that would be more suitable for to-morrow night,” replied mother, with a fond smile. The child looked puzzled. “But you always do air our Sabbath clothes on Saturday night, don’t you, mother?” she asked.

PUTTING IT NICELY. “How did you get on at your arithmetic examination?” “Very well, father!” “How many sums did you have wrong?” “Only one!” “Good! How many were there?” “Twelve!” “Fine! And the other eleven were all right?” “Oh, no. 1 didn’t do them!” AS INSTRUCTED. “What’s the formula for water, Jones Minor?” asked the science master. “H 1 J K L M N O.” spelled out the scholar. “What’s that?” barked the master. | The scholar slowly repeated the letters. “Whatever are you driving al?" .said the master. “Who gave you that idea?” “You, sir,” said Jones, minor. “You said yesterday that it was II to O.”

PERTINENT QUERY

“Yes.” remarked the colonel, who had taken seventeen to the first, hole without, reaching it, “this is my favourite course, caddie, the course where I once did a. hole in one.”

“Stroke or day, sir?” queried the youth.

BACK SEAT EXPERT

Friend: What, do you get. with your car? Owner of Car: Oh. about 10,000 words to the gallon.

TAKEN AT I-HS WORD

“Goodbye," he said, brokenly, and his frame shook with emotion. ‘‘Remember. Miss Smith, that although I cannot, win your love I shall always bo your devoted friend, and if at any time I can be of service to you you have but to command me. f leave for South America, to-night. Goodbye." “I am sorry," said the girl, “to have been the means of driving you so far from home, but since you are so kind as to offer your services I will ask you to post a letter for me on your way to rhe boat.”

THE BOWED HEAD

The teacher was explaining the difference between the stately rose and the modem violet. "You see. children." she .aid, "a be;j i; fit n | Wo]) (lre;:;-:(;d Woman V.jlkf; .■aloii'.' the street, but. she, r ; proud and jdoes pot greet, anybody—that m the, lose. But behind her comes ;i small creaturo with bowed head." Yes. miss J know," Tommv intm'-i inipied; "that's her husband." I