WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 14 January 1933, Page 9

WEEK-END SMILES

WHAT IS AN OCTOGENARIAN? One of the two girls on the bus was reading a newspaper. “I see,” she remarked to her companion, “that Mr. So-and-So, the octogenarian, is dead Now, what on earth is an octogenarian?” “I’m sure I haven’t the faintest idea,” replied the other girl. “But they’re a sickly lot. You never hear of one but he’s dying.” AVE WERE ALL FRUMPS Young Hopeful (looking over fam ily album): Gee, ma, weren’t we terribly old-fashioned when we were young? STOP! LOOK!! LISTEN!!! “I wish to marry your daughter.’ “Can you support a family?” “Yes.” “But there are eight of us!” 100 PER CENT. EFFICIENT . “The first lie detector,” says Sam Hill in the Cincinnati “Inquirer,’ - “was made out of the rib of a man.’’ And no improvement has ever been made on the machine. HIS MARTYRDOM Father: Troubled with dyspepsia in school to-day? Why, that’s a strange thing for- a boy to have. Johnny: I didn’t have it; I had to spell it. JUST HORSEFEATHERS He’d more money than brains, His acqriaintances -reckoned; He blew in the first And then blew out the second. ARMISTICE IN CHINA Mistress: Mary, Mary! Yesterday you broke two vases and to-day you have broken three plates and four cups. What will be broken to-morrow, at this rate? • Maid: Not so much, ma’am. •It is my afternoon out. WANTED TO KNOW To celebrate the inauguration of the maternity benefits a well-known member of Parliament gave, a silver cup to be presented to the first child born in his constituency. A miner was the father of the lucky infant, and on the cup being handed to him he asked: “Is this our own or have we got to win.it three times? NUMBER. PLEASE. An old lady, after many attempts to communicate with her grocer on the automatic telephone, gave it up in a state of confusion, deciding to make a personal call. “Oh, Mr. Butterworth,” she exclaimed, as the shopkeeper came forward tc serve her, “I have been trying to get you on the ’phone and although I dialled the number on the top of your billhead, Est. 1898, I completely failed to get you.”

A FURTHER TEST The elderly man consulted a doctor about his health. “Frankly,” said the doctor, “it is apparent to me that you drink too much. If you don’t cut it out, spots will appear all over your face.” The advice and the prophecy were alike unacceptable to the patient, who departed. In a month he returned, wearing the promised spots. “Doctor,” he said, admiringly, “you were quite right, after all. I say, do you know anything for the Wellington Cup?” ONE LITTLE SLIP. “Ah,” said a seedy-looking individual who got into conversation in a railway carriage. “I’ve seen some changes. I was once a doctor with a large ’ practice, but owing to one little slip my patients began to leave me.” “What was the slip?” “In filling in a death certificate I absent-mindedly signed my name in the space headed ‘Cause of death.’ ” ■ REHEARSING IT. Author:. Have you seen the new play 1 wrote about the couple who were always quarrelling? Neighbour: No, but I heard you and your wife rehearsing it.

TWO MORE. Hospital Matron: How’s this? The telephone message said you were bringing one accident case, and you have brought three. Ambulance Driver: That’s all right, I knocked the other two down on my way. HOPEFUL. Bailey was busy in his garden. Presently his neighbour’s small boy loomed up in front of him. “Hallo!” said Bailey, wiping his perspiring brow. “Your father wants to borrow something as usual, I suppose?” The boy nodded. “That’s right, Mr Bailey,” he replied. “Father said could you ‘blige him with a corkscrew?” brightened. “Corkscrew? Certainly. You run along, sonny—-I’ll bring it round myself. GARDENING NOTE. The'best way to keep apples from coming off the tree is to send the children to grandma. BORROWED IT. Schoolmaster: What are the products of the West Indies?” Boy: 1 don’t know, sir. Schoolmaster: Come, come! Where do you get the sugar from? Boy: We generally borrow it from the neighbour next door. DAYLIGHT SAVING. Sandy was having a bad time with toothache, and at last made up his mind to have it out, and about 10 o’clock that night he called at the dentist. “What would ye charge for taking it out?” he asked. “Two-and-six without gas, and five shillings with gas,” was the answer. “Five shillings with gas!” exclaimed Sandy. “I can’t afford that. I’ll .just bear the pain to-night, doctor, and call round in daylight tomorrow. COULDN’T BE. ■ Mistress: When I engaged you, you told me that you had no men friends. Now, almost every time I enter the kitchen I find a man there. Sarah: Bless you. mum, that chap ain’t no friend of mine! Mistress: Then who is he? Sarah: My husband. EXPECTS IM PRO VEMENT. Wife: What do you mean by telling the maid that in future she and her sweetheart, can dine with us? Husband: I’m tired of having that chap always, get the best food. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. Yes, you have a perfect right tr your opinion, but you also have a right Io keep it Io yourself.