WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 12 November 1932, Page 3

WEEK-END SMILES

YOU KNOAV THE KIND Explorer: From the Chinese frontier we pushed into Tibet. Sympathetic Lady: We had a car like that. APPROPRIATE Doctor (who has taken a friend to see the country house he is building): 1 haven’t made up my mind what to call it yet. Friend: 'Why not “Bedside Manor?” REPLY Speaker on Platform (roaring) - Why don’t you men give your wives more credit? Man in Front Row: Because they want cash. A NATIONAL DISGRACE An English clergyman asked a Scotsman what he would be if he were not a Scotsman. “I would he an Englishman,” replied the Scotsman. The clergyman then turned to an Irishman and asked him what he would be if he were not an Irishman. After reflecting for a while, the son of Erin replied, “Sure, and begorra, I would be ashamed of meself entirely!”

ACCORDING TO THEIR GIFTS A Hollywood film star demanded a large increase of salary in new contract. “But. good heavens!” protested the head of the concern, “that is more than we pay the managers of our big oil and insurance companies.” “All right,” said the star, “then let your big oil and insurance managers come out here and vamp for you.” THE TIMELY TOPIC “But listen, dear, spending moremoney is the way, you say, io end unemployment.” “Yes, but. my dear wife, dressmakers aren't the only ones out of work.” ECONOMY! Husband: I thought we were going to practice economy, dear? Wife: AVe are, darling, I cancelled your ordei* for a suit, and bought h hat for half the money! OBVIOUS! Lumpe: Y'know, old chap its funny, isn’t it, that a fat man is usually goodnatured? Grumpe: Funny? Not a bit. He has to be good-natured, anyway. He can’t fight—and he can’t run. APPRECIATION Christmas Shopper (buying present.): I want something for my husband —a nice little -'thing that he will appreciate.

Shopwalker: Certainly, madam. Miss Smith, forward, please!

SAFETY FIRST “Did you tell Mr. Beinlich that he is father of triplets?” “No, he is still shaving.”' LATEST FROM ABERDEEN A Scotsman found a packet of corn plasters in the street. He went straight away and bought himself a pair of tight-fitting boot's.

MORON MORTALITY “If ignorance is bliss,” said Black To White, “why. then, old boy, You’d better get your life insured: You’re apt to die of joy.” POST WAR The Magistrate: The prisoner says he had two glasses of “double brown.” What is this “double brown,” sergeant? The Sergeant (sadly): Not wot it was, your Worship. GINGER-SNAPS Conductor (helping stout lady on car): Yer should take yeast, mother, ter ’elp yer to rise better. Stout Lady: Take some yerself, lad. and then yer’d be better bred. AUTOMATIC POLISHING “Mary.' these banisters always seem dusty. I was at the Jones’s to-day, and theirs are as bright and smooth

as glass.” “She has three small boys, ma’am." YUM-YUM ■ Shoemaker: Here are the boots for your new Polar expedition. Were you satisfied with the boots I made for the last trip? Explorer: Quite. They were the best boots I ever ate on a Polar expedition. WHEN DADS DISAPPOINT Tommy: That problem you helped me with last night was all wrong, daddy. Father: All wrong, was it? Well, I’m sorry. Tommy: Well, you needn’t exactly worry about it, because none of the other daddies got it right, either. PLAIN LOGIC A Scotsman, upon entering a- saddler’s, asked for a single spur. “Wliat use is one spur?” asked the man.

“Well,” replied Sandy, “if I can get one side of the horse to go Hie other one will hae to come wi’ it.”

MAKING A HABIT OF IT

Smith had just bought a new car, and although he had had only one lesson in driving, he ventured out the first evening for a trial run. He was proceeding gingerly down a country lane when, on rounding a corner, he suddenly encountered two men walking in'the opposite direction. There was no time for him to draw up, and, although one of the men got clear, the other was knocked into the hedge. Smith was nearly fifty yards farther along the lane before he managed to bring his car to a standstill, and, thinking he would get back to the injured man most quickly by means of the car, he reversed his engine and backed up the lane. Unfortunately, he overshot the mark again, and this time the second man. who was bending over his injured comrade, was hurled to the ground. Again Smith went past some distance before he managed to stop, and again he started forward to drive up to the men.

However, just as his car was approaching the spot for the third time, lie heard one man shout to the other, as he dragged himself painfully but hurriedly through a gap in the hedge’ “For Heaven’s sake, come on! He’s after us again!”