WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 9 July 1932, Page 10

WEEK-END SMILES

NO PRECEDENT The timid old lady was going to cross the Atlantic for the first tune in her life. , Before booking her passage she decided to make a few inquiries. "Is the boat that sails on Saturday perfectly safe?” she asked the steamship company’s agent. The agent nodded gravely. "Madam,” he said, “I assure you that in all the time this ship has been in the company’s service, and that cov ers a number of years, t> once ias she gone to the bottom.” The old lady sighed with relief. „ “In that case it must be all right, she replied. "Let me have a cabin please.” EASY Herbert: “I wish I could find out just how many relatives I have here on this earth.” •_ Robert: “Why, that’s the easiest thing in the world —just buy a summer cottage.” CANDID Blobbs: “Have you heard the tale about the case of sugar?” Hobbs: “No; and if it isn’t refined I don’t want to.” FAMILY TRADITION A little fellow who had just felt the hard side of the slipper turned to his mother for consolation. “Mother,” he asked, “did grandpa thrash father when he was a little boy?” “Yes,” answered his mother impres sively. ' . “And did his father thrash him when lie was little?” “Yes.” “And did his father thrash him?” “Yes.” A pause. “Well, who started this thing anyway?” NEED FOR BREVITY The vicar, while paying a call, discovered one of his parishioners, a woman, busy whitewashing the ceiling of her living room. . “Oh, Mrs Brown,”he said. “I see vou are busy, so in the circumstances I will just give you a prayer and be off.” “Well,” quoth the lady, briskly, ‘ cut it short, will you, because I’m hiring this brush by the hour.” MORE SPACIOUS DAYS At a recent literary luncheon in London Mr. Ernest Milton told a story of two flies. “A fly,” he said, “was walking on a bald man’s head. She had her daughter with her, and as she looked round she was heard to say, ‘Ah! my dear when I was your age, this was onlj a footpath,’ ”

A LONG WAIT The foreman gardener was inspecting the work of his newly-engaged assistant. a “Did you water the century plants?” “Yes,”' said the assistant, “I did that.” “Very good,” .said the foreman. “In future it will he your job to look af ter them. And don’t forget this, if those plants don’t bloom in 1969 it wifi be your fault.” PROOF They were in earnest conversation. “By the way,” said Clarence, “have you heard about William?” “No,” said his friend. “Not married, surely?” “No,” said Clarence; “but he’s m love with Miss Brightheart.” “Really. Djd he tell you?” asked his friend, eagerly. “No,” Clarence explained; “but he’s hung her photo next to the picture of his pet dog.” MUST HAVE LOOPED It was grandma’s first ride in an aeroplane. As soon as the machine landed, her grandchildren dashed forward to assist her to the ground. “Wpll, gran,” asked young Peter, “how did you enjoy your first flip?” Grandma, who was still a bit dazed, shook her head. “I liked'it all right,” she replied; “but I thought the pilot was rather reckless.” “Oh, how was that?” asked another of the children. “Well,” explained the old lady, “he twice got out of sight of land.” A COMPLETE CHANGE-OVER “Why is it you don’t go in for mo tor boating now?” asked the old captain. The young captain shrugged his shoulders, tiredly. “Fed up with motor boating,” he returned. “What have you done with your motor boat?” asked the old captain. “Changed it for a car,” returned the other. / “But what about your young lady friend?” said the old captain. “I thought she was so keen on motor boating. “Yes, I know; but I changed her with the boat. Her name was on it.”

HE WORKED WELL “I hear you’ve got an efficiency expert in your office,” said Collar. “How’s he working?” “Fine,” said Cuff. “As a matter of fact he was such a success for the boss that we employees have hired him for U -week.” “You fellows hired him?” echoed Collar. Cuff nodded. “And with great success, too,” he replied. “He’s showed us a new way to beat the time-clock, taught us a let of brand new excuses for being late, and how to hook the boss’s cigars without being found out.” A DIFFERENT MATTER Bloggs, after picking up a glove, hung it over a fence, remarking to his companion, “I believe in being honest. Some woman is sure to come looking for it.” A little farther on he came across another glove. “By jove,” he exclaimed, “I believe that it is the mate of the other one. I must go back and get it. I’ll take them home for the wife.”

THE SUBSTITUTE “I don’t know how you would get on without me,” said the husband, making a pathetic bid for appreciation. “I get up every morning, light the fire, boil the kettle, and, make you a cup of tea. Supposing anything happened to me, what would you do then ?” “Oh, I should just get a gas ring.”