WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 25 June 1932, Page 10

WEEK-END SMILES

THE FARMER’S GROUSE A doctor was called in to attend an ailing farmer. “I can do nothing for you,” ?aid the doctor- ‘‘Change of climate is what you need.” “Change of climate!” repeated the farmer. • “Goodness; doctor, I’ve never had anything Qlee! I’ve lived in England all my life!” CAME IN HANDY Jack: What a tumble writer Dr. Treater is. He wrote % letter th the florist to fend rothitl some chrysanthemums. James: What happened? Jack: After. the florist had used jt for a passport to France apd Spain, ahd a driving license in Italy, he played it on the piano. ACTUALLY BRITISH A nurse was waiting for a bus, when she was astonished to hear a small boy exclaim: Nurse, can you bring mother a little baby for me to play with? Nurse (to small boy): lam afraid ndt, my dear ; they are too expensive. Small Boy: Yes; daddy said they were. “Your father was right,” replied the nurse. Small Boy: I know that, especially if they’re British made.

NOT HAVING IT “I tell you I won’t have this room,” protested the old lady to the hotel liftboy. “I ain’t going to pay my good money for a pig-sty a measly little foldin’ bed in it. You think jest because I’m from ‘the country—” “Get in, muni! Get in! This ain’t your room. This is the lift!” NOT RESPONSIBLE Hard times in the agricultural world, had at last forced Farmer Meadows to yield to his wife’s suggestion and they had taken in several paying guests. . “What do you think, Amos, whispered his wife, all of a flutter, .that young man’ in the back room has brought pyjamas with him!” “Course he’s brought ’em with ’im,” snapped the farmer. “If hies got ’em he must have brought ’em with ’im, ’cause he’s had nothing but pure new milk an’ fresh eggs since he came ’ere!” INKY WAY The lady came home from a shopping expedition and was met by a tearful maid. , “Baby’s swallowed a bottle of ink. cried the girl. The lady dropped her parcels in her confusion; “Incredible!” she exclaimed. . “No, mum, indelible,” returned the maid.

A SLIP “I see, Miss Smithers, that have spelt ‘receive’ with ‘ei’ in one place and ‘ie’ in another.” “I’m sorry, sir. One of them was a slip.” “Well, correct it.’ 1 “Certainly, sir. By the way, which one shall I correct?” “M’m —er —Why. the one that’s wrong, of coprise.” ALL’S FAIR “I thank you for the flowers you sent,” she said. And then she pouted, blushed, and dropped her head; “Forgive me for the words I spoke last night; Your flowers have sweetly proved that you were right.” And then I took her hand within my own, And I forgave her—called her all my own; 3ut as we lingered ’mid the lamp-lit bowers I wondered who had sent those flowers. ROUSED HIS CURIOSITY “May I show you piy samples?” asked the commercial traveller. The business man nodded. Immediately the traveller opened a very little bag and displayed 1 all his samples on a table. The business man carefully looked at them. “Well,” he said, “there’s only one thing I want to-day.” “Oh, very good; sir!” said the traveller hopefully, “And what is that?” “Why,” came the reply, “I want to see how you’re going to get all those samples back into that litle bag again.”

WAYS AND MEANS Ruth, the daughter of the hopse, returned from a shopping expedition with an expensive looking new hat. “How do you like it, mother?” ask ed the girl, displaying her bargain. “Very nice, dear,” said the mdther, and added, “But how did you manage to afford it?” “I earned it myself,” said the girl. “How was that?” asked the mother in surprise. “I talked dad out of three pounds for it,” said the daughter. » HOW’S THAT? A village cricket match was delayed for some time, owing to the absence of an umpire. The home skipper, recognising an acquaintance among the crowd, asked the man to officiate. He was filling to do so. “Aw ret,” said the skipper. “We’re fieldin’ first.- Whenever you hear anybody say ‘Huzzat?” you say, ‘Out.’ Later on, when we go in to bat, I’ll tell thee a bit more.”

TOO WEIGHTY The racehorse owner, looking carefully at the scales, was speaking to the jockey. “You are a trifle overweight.’’ he said. “Can’t you lighten yourself in some way?” “I’ve got on my light suit, sir,” replied the jockey, “haven’t had jel bite to-day, and have just trimmed my finger-nails.” . “Well;” retorted the owner, “for goodness sake go and get a shave!” NO SCOTCH In Hollywood they were “shooting” a thriller film in which a Scotland Yard man was required. The director therefore sent a note to the casting director asking if he could supply a man with the necessary voice. In half an hour’s time an actor was sent along to take the part. But after they had given him a trial the producer returned him to the casting director with this brief note, “This guy won't do. He don’t have a trace of Scotch accent.”