WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 12 March 1932, Page 10

WEEK-END SMILES

explained Policeman (to man caught climbing through a pantry window): Hello, what are you doing here? “It’s air right, constable,” was the reply. “The wife’s been cleaning the steps. A SURE TEST Correspondents of “W.A.S.” in the “Daily Sketch” say that they often find it hard to tell the difference between weeds and young plants. The sure way of course, is to pull them all out. If they come up again they are GOOD FOR NOTHING “Now, David,” said the fond mother, “f w?djt you to be a good boy when I am> out.” David: I’ll be good for a penny. “David,” said his mother, “I want you to remember that you cannot be a son of mine unless you are good for nothing.” AN AUTHORITY “Dad,” asKed little Duncan, “does the dictionary contain all the words there are?” Father: No, new words are constantly coming into use. Duncan: Then what is the last word? Father: Go and ask your mother. PAPER MONEY It was one of those minor accidents. The daughter had been attending her mother, who was confined to bed with & touch of influenza. While hurrying down the stairs with the remains of a meal she stumbled. Tray, condiments, cup and saucer, plates, etc., crashed to the bottom. , , , The master of the house looked on ponderously. “That,” he murmured without heat, “means at least another thousand coupons.” MUSICAL EAR. “Is it true that your son had to give up his musical studies because of ear trouble?” “Yes, I couldn’t stand it any more. PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY “I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary.” “Then send the bill to my father. THE GOLDEN WEDDING. Duke: “What was that unseemly hilarity I heard below stairs, Popkiss?” Butler: “Pardon, your Grace; but me and cook was celebrating our golden wedding.” Duke: “Kindly see that shch an event does not Occur again.” “Travelled all over the world, eh? Went up the Rhine, I suppose?” “Climbed to the top.” “Saw the Lion of St. Mark?” “Fed it.” “And visited the Black Sea?” ' “Filled my fountain pen there.” The absent-minded beggar was busy in his study. “Have you seen this?” said his wife, entering. “There’s a report in the paper of your death.” “Is that so?” returned the professor without looking up. “We must remember tb send a wreath.”

An old offender was found guilty of stealing a horse and received a stiff sentence on account of his previous record.

The Judge: 'lt is my intention to sentence you to eight years at least. Now, before sentence is pronounced on you, I shall listen to anything you iri'ay have to say on your nehalf The Old Offender (after waiting aminute di- two) : I don’t know ef I’ve got anything to say, only that it strikes me that you folks round here are purty liberal with other people’s time.

It was a misty Sunday morning in the Highlands. Father and son were returning from the kirk. Presently they passed a field where a number of big Highland cattle were lazily grazing. “Father,” sa.id the Sebt, “there are twelve mighty fine animals in that field.” he said, “you may not count the heastjes bn the Sabbath day —ahd biesfdes, there are thirteen.” CHEATING THE INSECT. Shopkeeper: I assure you this is pure wool. Madam: Then >yhy is that ticket, you removed marked “cotton mixture?” Shopkeeper: Madam, we do that so as to deceive the moth. THE CHANGING MANNERS. Teacher: What did the prince do to wake the sleeping beauty?” Mary: I don’t kfidw. Teacher: Now, what does mother give you when you wake up in the morning? Mary: A spoonful of oil. THE DIFFICULTY. The junior partner had died and the head clerk professed great sorrow. “I’m sorry trf hear of his death,” he told the senior partner. “Er — would you like me to take his place?” !“I would,” was the reply, “if you can get the undertaker to arrange it.” THE SAME HOWL. Two Scotsmen had ventured into the wilds, and what they lacked in experience they made up for in zeal. On their first night in the jungle the dismal howling of a wolf disturbed their rest. Presently Macpherson rose to his feet, seized his rifle, and said: “Ah’ll bet ye an ounce o’ tobacco I kill that darned wolf!” He trudged away into the darkness. Three hours later he returned, dragging a dead wolf. MacTavish grudgingly parted with an ounce of tobacco, and they settled down again. Just before dawn another howl rent the air, and MacTavish nudged his companion. “Give me that tobacco back,” he demanded, “ye killed the wrang one!” A TOLERABLE THREAT. A blackmailer wrote a letter to a wealthy merchant, threatening to kidnap his wife unless a substantial sum of money was paid over. By mistake the letter was deliverer! to a labourer of the same name, who replied: “I ain't got no money, but I am interested in your proposition.”