WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 7 November 1931, Page 10

WEEK-END SMILES

NOT WARNED The Smiths were on the balcony and could hear what a young couple were saying in the garden below. Mrs Smith: “I think he wants to propose. AVe ought not to listen, to him. Whistle to him.” Mr. Smith: “Why should I? Nobody whistled to warn me.” THE DEW ON THE FLOWERS A young man imbued with tender passion, brought his girl some flowers. “How wonderful of you to bring me these lovely flowers,” said the girl. “They are so beautiful and fresh; I think there is still a little dew on them.” “Well —er —as a matter of fact there is,” said the young man in great embarrassment, “but I’m going to pay it off to-morrow.” HE KNEW THE GAME It was the annual football match between the customers of the Red Lion and the Blue Pig. The teams having lined up for the fray, it was found that the referee was absent. They decided to select an official from the crowd. The captain approached a spectator. “Look here, old man,” he said, “our referee hasn’t turned up; you know enough about football to referee, don’t you?” “On the contrary,” returned the spectator, “I know enough about it not to referee!” THE CHAMBER OF SONG “That canary you sold me hasn’t sung a note yet.” “Then shut him up in the bathroom." THE “USED” CAR “What kind of a car has Tom?” “Well, he’d feel tremendously flattered if you called it second-hand.”

NOVELTY NEEDED Nurse: “Don’t you like your new baby sister, Johnnie?” Johnnie: “She’s all right, but I wish she had been a boy. Willie Smith has got a new sister, and now he’ll think I’m trying to copy him.” NAUGHT NAUTICAL Sailor: “Yes, madam, that’s a man-o’-war.” . , . . Lady: “How interesting. And what is that little one just in front?” Sailor: “That’s just a tug.” Lady: “Oh, yes, of course; tug-of-war. I’ve heard of them.” HIS BRIGHT IDEA. “It's a silver collection to-day. sir.’ “Wull ye tak paper?” said the Aberdonian . “Most gratefully, sir.” So the Aberdonian put in a piece of silver paper. MICROSCOPIC. Sherlock Holmes: Quick, Watson, my magnifying glass. There’s something on the floor. . Watson (breathlessly): What is it? Sherlock Holmes: By Jove; A lady’s evening dress! NO USE. (Engineer (to new fireman just after eating their meal): Have you got a match? New Fireman (anxious to please). No; but here is my cigarette lighter. Engineer: How can I pick my teeth with that? * HE UNDERSTOOD. He strode into the inn of a town in the far West, flourishing two guns in the air. “I’m Hard-boiled Bill!” he roared. “I’m crazy, and lookin’ for trouble!” “Well, sir,” replied the waiter, quite unimpressed, “you’ll find the marriage ’ license bureau two doors down on the left.” ’ WHY HE HESITATED. Mrs Binks went on a day trip to «, the seaside. “I am at a loss to understand your conduct when we parted,” she said to her husband on her return. “I said good-bye to you. Why didn’t you say good-bye in response?” “I was going to,” was the meek reply, “but I checked myself. I was afraid you’d accuse me of trying to have the last work.”

THE EXPLANATION. A detachment of soldiers were in camp. After breakfast one day one of the men complained bitterly to the orderly officer regarding, the bread ration. „„ , , “What’s the matter with it?’ asked the officer. “Too hard, sir,” replied the Tommy. “But, my man,” said the officer sternly, “if Napoleon had had that bread while crossing the Alps he’d have eaten it with delight.” “No doubt, sir,” replied the soldier, “It might have been new then.” SOLD OUT A gentleman entered a forlorn country inn and inquired if he could have a chicken. The owner shook his head. “Can I have a duck, then?” “No, sir.” “Have you any lamb chops?” “Not one, sir.” “Then as you have no eatables, bring me something to drink—got any wine?” “Sir,” he replied with a sigh, “we are out of wines.” “Then in wonder’s name what have you got in the house?” “Bailiff’s, sir,” he said. NOT CATCHING. Catch after catch had been dropped, and the crack bowler was suffering in consequence. After the wicket-keeper had muffed a particularly easy chance the umpire remarked sympathetically to the bowler, "Perfect epidemic, isn’t it?”

“It is,” replied the thoroughly disgruntled trundler. “But, heaven knows, it isn’t catching." SLEEP-INDUCER. The boxer’s wife glanced anxiously at the clock. Presently her husband entered. “Well, how did you get on? Did you win?" He smiled triumphantly. “Yes, put him to sleep in the third round.” . , His wife rose from her chair, took a crying baby from a cot, and handed it to her husband. “Now you can try your hand on the baby,” she said.