WEEK-END SMILES

Greymouth Evening Star, 3 October 1931, Page 11

WEEK-END SMILES

TACTLESS - • Father found a foreign coin in his change, so he went out to do a little ' shopping, taking Herbert, aged five, with him. He went to th’e grocer’s, but the assistant was not to be taken in. He went to the chemist, and the chemist said regretfully that the coin in father’s hand was of foreign extraction, and useless to him. “Good heavens,' so it is!” exclaimed father,. “I wonder where I got that?” •“Don’t you remember, dad?” said Herbert. “That’s the one you showed the grocer!” ETIQUETTE An American film producer asked an English friend to watch the "shooting” of one of his society films to see that it was all right. After a time the Englishman asked, “Why. does that man keep on his hat when. he’s talking to a'lady in the drawing room?” “Sure;” said the producer, “he can’t take, it off—another .lady’s coming .in. presently, aiid he’s got to raise his hat to her.” -

EXPLOITED A man knocked up tlio doctor in a small village at about 3 a.m., and asked blm to come immediately to a place about ten miles away. The doctor dressed speedily, and got out his car, and they drove furiously to their destination. Upon arrival the man asked: “What is your fee, doctor?” “Half a guinea,” he replied, ir some surprise. “Here it is, then,” said the man. handing over the money, "and cheap, too. The garage man wanted thirty bob to drive me over. I’d missed the last train.” EVERYDAY WEAR Mr. Millions has just come on deck, resplendent in a wonderful suit of plus fours, capped by a flaming red tie. The sea was none too calm, and most of the passengers were below. The chief officer passed by. “Bit of a swell to-day, sir,” he mentioned. “Ah.” said Mr. Millions, “but you ought to sec me on Sundays!” embarrassing “Do you teach nature study?” he asked the pretty young teacher, “Yog,” she replied. "Then I will test the class. Now children, shut your eyes and sit still.” With the intention of miitating a particular bird the inspector made a slow chirping sort of noise and followed with, “Now, children, what was that? “Teacher being kissed,” came the answer from the entire class. HIS PROFESSION

The speaker was a brilliant orator, and the audience gave him proper attention, except for one man in the crowd, who made things bad both for the speaker and the listeners by shouting out, "Liar! Liar!” After about a dozen repetitions of this the orator paused, and, pointing to the tormentor, said: "If the gentleman who persists in his remarks will be good enough to tell us his name, instead of merely shouting out his profession, I am sure we will be glad to make his acquaintance.” LOW BUILT The proud owner of the baby car offered to take a friend into the country. The offer was accepted, and off they went at a vety fair pace. After some time the friend turned to the driver and said, "I say, old man, when do we reach the country?” "Country?” replied the other. “Why, . we're in the country now.” ' "But hang it all,” said the passenger, "all I have seen is that beastly wall oh each side of us for miles.” “Wall, indeed!” said the owner; "that’s the kerb!” / LIGHTS OUT Bertie called on his sweetheart and was shown into the draWing-room. While she put the finishing touches to her toilet, her little brother was sent to keep the young man company. "I. say, Tommy, if I give you six- - pence, will you sneak into the room when Diana is here and switch off all the lights except that one near the door?” inquired Bertie. “No fear,” replied Tommy, "Diana ( has offered me a bob if I knock against the switchboard accidentally, and turn them all off.” TRUE TO THE STRAIN

Young Angus had been oat for the evening with his best girl. When he got home he found his father still sit* ting up. The old man looked up and shook his head. ' ' ”Hae ye been oot wi’ yon lassie again, my son?” he asked. “Aye, dad.” young Angus. "Why do ye, ! ?lo6k>sae worrited?”' ’ "I was just wonderin’ how much the evening cost, my son.” ' . “No;more thanhalf a croon, dad.” “Aye? That was no sae bad.” • “It was all she had,” said Angus. .'.■'l' mamMon, not righteousness A man walked into the Bank of England and, addressing one of the clerks, ■ said, " 'Scuse me, guv’nor, but I want to talk to someone abaht a bit o’ War Loan what:.l’ve got.” 1 . “Certainly,” replied the clerk, "You can go to the Conversion Office, where you can get c6nversion; Of if you don’t care for that yod can have redemption.” "Look ’eire, guv’nor,” the man exploded, “I’ve come ’ere to talk abaht my bit of money, not to get religion.’,’ These hard times Servant (answering bell) —My master isn’t in, sir. You may leave the bill JfjVou wish. Caller (in surprise)—Dill? I have no bill. I wish to ” Servant (in surprise also) —No bill! Then;.you must have called at the wrong, hquse. ' ACCOMMODATING. The' parsbri was certainly shocked when he called on Sunday afternoon upon the latest addition to the village social circle and found her rattling off jdsz-tunes on the •'uno. “My dear young lady,” said he imvrtssivciy. “have you ever heard of thh .piajjdiiedtß-” “Whistle a fe«> bars,” said the young lady. ; “i think perhaps I could follow you?’ •