SAYS SERGEANT MURPHY

Greymouth Evening Star, 25 March 1927, Page 4

SAYS SERGEANT MURPHY

(By A. P. Garland in the “English (Review.”)

Heddle had been reading President Coolidge’s complacent review of the prosperity of the U.S.A., and his general eulogy of the American race. “Putting it on a bit thick,” commented the proprietor. “You’d think the Americans were the only pebbles on the beach.”

“So they are,” said Sergeant Murphy. “On the Yankee beach, I mean. After all, what else could a President do but cast a few bokays at the nation that had the good sense to elect him? You wouldn’t expect him to be so indelikit as to dwell on lynchin’s in Georgia or gunmin in Chicago. His publicity man would get an injunction agen him on the spot.” “But they’re all the same,” went on Heddle. ‘Tee been reading in one of them American magazines ” “You shouldn’t, Heddle,” said the Sergeant reprovingly. “At your time of life it’s dangerous. You’ll be timpted next to sign a coupon for a correspondence course,, and you’ll be a movie star, leadin’ the fast life in Hollywood. “But about the Americans, you musn’t judge be the loud wans that are reported in the papers. I’ve known thim, in their own country as well as in France durin’ the wa\',, and if you ever find wan of thim wavin’ Stars and Sthripes to an ondecent extint, it’s odds on he’s wan gineration down from a Slovak or some other fancy race that writes its name from right to left.

“Thim noisy wans are really the modestist min in the world. Whin they talk big, it’s like a timorous man on a lonely road shoutin’ to keep his courage up. That Fellah Frood would say they were sufferin’ from an inferiority complex.” “Who’s Frood?” asked Heddle.

“Oh, he’s just some sort of a foreigner. Clever, too, but with a mind resimblin’ the bottom of a Constantinople dust-bin. He’d tell the crowin’ branch of the U.S.A, that Star-Spangled-Banner stuff spells weakness, not strength. “All the same, if you read the articles in the American magazines, you’ll find that the wan sure road to popularity is to tell the Americans what splendid lot of fellahs they are in comparison with measly Europeans —particularly ourselves. Presidints, schoolmasthers, editors, and the like, before being enrolled, have to recite set speeches on th subject before qualifying And whin the Threasury returns show a big surplus, the whole population rallies round in prayers of thanksgivin’.

“I suppose they can’t help it. It’s an instinct. No wan ever wint to America except to make more money. Hince they adore money. It’s the best thing they know. “Even the decent Americans—and there’s a lot of thim, fellahs that wouldn’t cross the road to register their votes, sit up and take notice whin a question of money crops up. “As a result, it’s with a sinse of pain and injustice they hear that there’s still some money left in Europe over and above what’s needed to pay the war debts. “A little while ago Secretary Hoover nearly burst a blood-vessel denouncin’ us for resthrictin’ the output of rubber to prevint it becomin’ a dhrug on the market. The other day he advised the American cotton growers to resthrict supplies in order to get better prices. The difference, you see, is that wan’s rubber and the other’s cotton.

“Between ourselves, I don’t think the Americans and ourselves will ever understand wan another. There’s millions and millions in the Middle West States that have never seen a European except the type that arrives with a big family and a small red handkerchief houlin’ all their luggage.

“Thrue, they have the fillums, but you’ve seen for yourself the way an Englishman, for instance, is always presinted to the dhramatists of Hollywood.

“As for our own people, most of thim have nothin’ to judge be except the slandherous remarks about us be prominent Americans that are cabled promptly across the Atlantic to us, and- the standards of livin’ in America that the same fillums have shown us.” “With all their wealth and what not they’ll soon be bossin’ the whole world.”, said Heddle grudgingly. “They won’t,” said Sergeant Murphy. “Not till the min dhrop belts and take to braces.”