CONVICTS’ JOKES

Greymouth Evening Star, 9 May 1925, Page 7

CONVICTS’ JOKES

AS TOLD BY A PARSON. A convict went to the Gbvei'hoi’ of the prison iii iVhich he Was cpiifined and asked for his release. ‘‘When 3 is he due for his discharge?” tlie Governor asked a warder. ‘‘Not for ■ another twelve months, sir,” was the reply. “Then what on earth do you mein by Coming here and- asking fqr your discharge?'’ tlie Governorroajred at thp convict. ( “Well, sir, I give out the canvas for mail bags, and conseqireptly I. have come in contact with a great many of. the other pris-, oners here.' T*hey all assure me that they are innocent. As I' am guilty, I thought I might contaminate them if I remained.” The above is told by Mr Eustace Jervis in his interesting book, “Twen-ty-five Years in Six Prisons.” Mr Jervis has been the. Chaplain at Wormwood Scrubs. Northampton, Lew„es, Liverpool, Brixton and Portland, and he has a great deal to tell of life behind prison- bars. Here is another story of a convict who appeared before tlie Governor. ,‘T/l.euse, sir,” asked the convict, “can 1 send a visiting order tp my brother, so that he'can come and see me?” “Yes.'” said the Governor. ‘‘What’s his address?” “8.3.37, sir,” said the-convict. ‘His brother was a prisoner in another part of the institution !

Mr Jervis tells of an amazing and amusing coincidence in real life. A burglar was .caught and sent to prison. When he came out he went “straight” for ,a time, but eventually took t > crime again. His first “job” was at a house from which he had seen a woman go out marketing one morning. He waited until she was out of sight and then rang the bell. There was n;> answer, so the crook forced a door. He made his way through the deserted rooms to the bedroom'where he thought there might be some jewellery. The- blinds were down. •: This seem-, ed strange at eleven o’clock in the morningj.'- The crook left them as they were, in order not to alarm the neighbours, and lighted the gas.a voice said.: “Hands'up, Hany I”: Iri bed ; was the /inspector who had captured tlie crook for his last offence. It was his house and he had” been on night'duty. As the crook said : . “Wasn't it-rough luck that I should break'into: his house of . all people’s, and find him in bed in the very room where I hoped to'find something worth taking ?” On a certain day in the week, at one prison, the midday meal consisted of bacon and beans. The portions of bacon, were on the. small side, but the prisoners were helped liberally to vegetables. The warder who served cut the food always asked each man : ‘ ‘Everything all ‘right?” before locking them in their cells again. One day, when the question was asked as usual, one convict said, anxiously :. “I say, officer, you haven’t given me my bacon!” “Yes, I have,'/ he ; was told. “Have another look.”

A few . minutes passed, and then the prisoner spoke again: “It’s all right, officer, it had got hidden behind one .of the beans.”

The chairman of a visiting committee was an old gentleman with a long white beard. He was rather timid, and when any complaint was made he always answered : “Wellpgo iway and make yourselves ajs aomfortable as you can in the circumstances. ’ A Gerprisoner, who fancied* he had a grievance, duly appeared before the committee. When he had finished th b chairman (answered <as usual. The , German. went back to his cell and called for the warder, “What’s up?” asked the officer., ‘T vant two more plenkets, an arm-chair, a garpet und rug vor de floor, and-—“ Have you gone off your head?” demanded the warder. “I haff peen to zee ze gommittee,” said the prisoner, importantly, .“and zey said I vas to pe made as gomvortable as bossible in der caircumztances.” In certain cases, where a prisoner is too poor to afford legal aid, he is allowed to. ask any counsel in court to defend him. One prisoner pointed out a hamster. “I'll have that gentleman.” “Oh, no, you won’t,” said the barrister, who was Sir Richard Muir, “I’m prosecuting you.” Here, is another stor- -illustrating the-'lighter side of prison life; One Sunday Mr Jervis had told his congregation a story about a boy who had left prison and obtained work on: a ship,. Unfortunately ,on. his first voyage he • fell overboard and was eaten by a shark. The captain of tire ship was upset. “He was the nicest lad I ever had,” he said, sadly, Next day Mr Jervis was talking to one of the convicts about the sermon. “It was a very affecting story,” said the convict. “Didn’t you say that the captain said, ‘He was just the nicest lad I ever had’?” “Yes,” said Mr Jervis,, “that is what he said.” “Well,”-said the convict, “I. expect that's just what the shark said, too!” On another occasion,, in one .of his sermons, Mr Jervis told his congregation that they ought to pray for anything they wanted. One of the convicts who heard it was discharged soon afterwards. When he met the chaplain the latter asked him how he was getting on. “I’ve got work, sir,” said the. man, “but I’ve given up religion. I don’t believe in it.” “Why’s that?” asked the chaplain. “Well, sir, didn’t you tell us to nray for anything we wanted? I prayed for a. pair of boots and someone gave me a second-hand pair.” “Then why don’t you believe in religion?” “Oh, I wanted a new pair,” said the convict.