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Greymouth Evening Star, 13 March 1917, Page 7

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Lawyer: "1 don i think 1 shall have liny uuhcitUy in proving your innocence, providing you have not kept anything (jack iiu\t_- you told me everything'' Prisoner: "ins, sir. Everything except where i hid the money. 1 wants that tor myself." Jack: "1 would do anything i'oi you. darling.'' .less: "Would you;" Jack: "Indeed, I would." Jess: "All right. (.Jo and make love- to that Ailbriglu girl, and then let me cut her out.'' County Policeman: "Look at the luck of that Mulrooney ! He's been transferred to the mounted police." Friend : "What advantage is mat':'" "When there's trouble sec how much quicker he can get on I of the way than a feller on foot.' liagley: "Ail of .Mrs Howe's children call her the 'mater.' Isn't it nice to see such affection?" Bailey: "That isn't affection. She succeeded in marrying six daughters iu six years, and they cad her the 'maler' because they think she has fairly earned the title." Fortune-teller: "You're going to hear of a death." Junes: "No doubt at supper! My wife is at the movies this afternoon.',' "Was your Hughes Suffrage Special a success, my dear?"' ''l should say sol Every stop, ever so many women asked me who made my gowns.'' He : "Before we were married you nseij to say there wasn'l another man like me in 1 lit* world." She: "Yes. and now I'd hate to think thai there was Hokus: "Thai, follow ClosVlist doesn't know what it means to he sensitive. Yon ran'! hurt hi* feelings." Pokns: "Did vou ever trv pinching him in the pocket honk 7" •' Willis: "Just fLink of il ! Those Spanish hidalgos would go three thou. sand miles on a galleon!" (Wilis: "Nonsense. You can't believe hah' you read about those foreign cars.."

A pretty girl at a dinner asked her escort why he did not marry. "Marriage, you know." she said, archly, "is one grant! sweet song." "Rather say." the humorist retorted, "one grand sweet refrain—refrain from the cards, refrain from tobacco, atid retrain from whisky." (lallipoli Hill: "Terrible experiences out there? My oath we had ! Why, a bloke in Kgyptisold me two bottles u' salt water for beer!" Joe: "For years I ufii'A to get up at six, breakfast at eight, dinner at one. tea at six. and bed at ten. and 1 never felt better ill my life." Hill: "Mirny, Joe, what were you in for':" "My idea is that every strap.hanger should have lil'ty cubic feet of air." "And what are your rights if some other strap hanger sticks his nose over into your air'.'" Jinks: "Hillings surely likes to put on •airs." Dinks: "What's he doing now?" Jinks: "Oh, he fills a gasoline can with water and carries it home in full sight of the neighbours every night." "Scrips." said the head of the firm, "my partner and myself are very much pleased with the work you have been doing." "Thank you, sir," replied Scripps, with visions of a substantial Christmas-box before his eyes. "Yes." continued the head of the firm, "we are very much pleased with your work, and—well, we thought you would like to know that you are giving satisfaction." Lawyer: "Judge, 1 want you to fine this man who was knocked down by my client's ear." Judge: ' 'Fine him? Why?" Lawyer: "He had a nail in his clothes and it punctured a new tyre." Mr Thomas (grandiloquently): "And now, my dear lady, yon must try a glass of my old port. I have so little of it left that* I only use it at Christmas time. There, now'. 4'hnt wine has been forty years in my cellar!" The "Dear Lady" (sipping the wine): "Fancy! And it's quite a nice wine even now. What must it have been whan it was new?" A man was walking along the street, and he saw a house on fire. He. rushed across the way and rang the bell. After

some timef a lady, who proved to' be slifhtly deaf, appeared at the door. "Madam, your house is on fire." "What did you .say?" The man began dancing up and down. He pointed above. "I said your home is afire! Flames bursting out! No time to lose!" "What did you say?" ''House afire! Quick!" The lady smiled. "Ts that all?", she said sweetly, Well," replied the man hopelessly, "that's all T

can think of just now." Slobgley: "MLm Agnes/ Why, she weighs [i 0.0 lb!" Lapsley: "She doesn't I Site doesn't!" Then body wondered how bapslev knew. Jenkins : "Bad cola yuu Liave, Thompson. How did you contract it'?" Thompson : "I didn't contract it. It was only a little one. and 1 expanded [I !" May: ''What clo you mean by saying that Maude in 'more or less pretty'?" Tom: "Weil, she'.* more pretty than most girls, but less pretty than yuu." .lone.; : "I don't see your husband at the club of late, .Mrs Brown'/'" Airs Brown : "Xo, lie stays at home now and enjoys life in his own way, as I want him to." "Can anyone give me the name of a town i» France!?" ashed the teacher. "Somewhere, - " shouted Johnny Brown, whose father had read to him the official reports. Co: "Well, Ed, why don'! yon k's.s lui';' 1 I'al : "1 was in doubt " ('<> : "'Why i.ol give me Die benefit of it >." "I live in a state where there are absolutely no divorces.." "Indued! What state is thai " '"The state of single blessedness." Customer: "You say that these are 'country eggs' V Waiter : 'Yes, sir." Customer: "What country? Carthage, Bnbvlrin, or Assvriaf'

"You never laugh :tl my jukes," "1 i wouldn't dare to." '"Why not?" ''l have always been taught t" respect did age." I ''Perkins is down and mit, isn't lie?" "Oh, yes lie told ine the other day lie was. paying cash for everything." "Have you ever had a lit" was the final ipicstion put to a ballot man by one of the Medical Hoard recently. "Ves. once/' was the reply. "When?"—"When I got this blooming nut ice," said the recruit, holding nji his telegram announcing thai he had heen drawn. Patient : "What does it cost to have a tooth palled nut*" Dentist: "Two and six," Patient : "Then do yon mind pulling it nut hah'-way for one and three, and I'll finish the job myself."' A vonng woman came in quite hurriedly after the mnsicaie had begun. "Have I missed much?" she asked. "What are they playing now':'' "The Ninth Symphony." "Oil, goodness, Am I reallv as late as that?"' "There's one thing about this prohibition in Crimson v(.iulch that I'm a little afraid of," said Broncho Hob. "Why, you all look better,,"' "Ves. But it's liable to result in g;eat loss of life. It has steadied our nerves so that, everybody shoots with unerring accuracy. Mrs Srniff: I wish you'd pay a little attention to what 1 say!" Bmiff: 1 do, dear—as little as possible." Teacher: "And did you make out the list of the nine greatest men in the history of the world, as I told you?" Willie: "Almost. I can't pick out the best bowler, though, to save my life!" The Pater: "I never told lis when I was a hoy." "The Kiddie: "When did you begin, dad?" Sculptor (to his friend): "Well, what do you think of my bust? Fine piece of marble, isn't it?" Friend: "Magnificent! What a pity to make a bust of it. It would have made a lovely wushstand!" "My dear," exclaimed a young bride to her friend, "my husband writes so bcauti. fully; yon really ought to see some'of his love-letters." "i'es, dear, I know,"' was the unkind retort; "I have a drawer full of them at home."