SMILE SEED.

Greymouth Evening Star, 27 February 1917, Page 2

SMILE SEED.

Pat: “Sure,. 1 know meself that toime was invinted in 0 Ireland. ’’ Clockmaker ; “What makes you think so?” Pat; “Begorra, d’yez be afther thinkin’ its name would be O'Clock if it didn't come from the owld country?” Little Boy f “That ink that papa writes with isn’t- indelible ink, is it, mother?” Mother: “No.” “I’m glad of that.” “Why?” ' “l’ve spilt it all over the carpet.” . Aunty: “Willie, an angel brought your mamma such a nice new brother for you last night. Wouldn’t you like to see the dear little baby?” Willie:

“No; but I’d like to see th e angel. A pretty good joke was that played on an Alderman who wandered about the streets bearing a placard on his broad back inscribed, “Widened, at the expense of the'Corporation.” “I hope you’ll make a good job of fins portrait,” remarked the multimillionaire. '‘Remember it’s costing me in the neighborhood of £2OOO. “I beg pardon,” said the 1 artist. My price is only £200.” “Yes, yes; 1 know that. But think of all the valuable time I have to spend posing for you.” Station Sergeant: “Are you married?” Prisoner: “No, sir.” Officer; “Beggin’ yer pardon, sarge, he’s a liar. When we searched him we found ih his pockets a, clipped recipe for curin’ croup, a sample of silk, an’ two unposted letters in a woman’s handwri tin’ a week old.”

Hector: “What did your father s*y when you told him I was a war correspondent?” Imogene; “He said lie would give you something to write about if you didn’t leave early tonight.” She (pining for pleasant words): “Oh, George, I cannot understand it. Why do you lavish this wealin'of love on me when thei| are so many girls more beautiful and more worthy than I?” He (absent-minded): “I’m blowed if I know.” She: “Oh, Willie, do you really, truly love me ” He: “Yes; dearest. By the way, have you that little memorandum book I gave you?’ She: “Yes, love.” He: “Well, then, just make a note of it, so that you vwon’t need to ask me two dozen times a day.” • Yes, dad,” said 'the up-to-date youth, flippantly, “that’s a very nice story abbot the early bird and the worm, but it seems to me that the worm didn’t get much by rising early.”- “I am informed,” said the father, “that the worm had not been to bed at all, but was just returning home from the night before,” _ “Do you call this sponge cake f asked the lady of the house. Why, it’s as hard as a rock.' “Yes, ma’am,” replied the-cook. “That’s the way a sponge is before it is wet. Soak it in your tea.” Charitable Man (to former blind

beggar): “What! Have you recoveredyour sight ?” Beggar: “Well, you see, it's this way—l’ve lost my dog, and as I cannot longer be. blind, 1 have become a deaf mute!”

Startled laborer (who has just skipped out of the way of a block of stone about three tons in weight): “Be a bit more keerful up -there, can’t vcr? ’Nother ’arf a foot, and you’d 'are to er got me a new ’at P’ Election Agent: “That was a good long speech our candidate made on. the°agricultural question, wasn’t'it?” Farmer Ploughson: “Oh, ay, it wasn’t bad; but a couple , o’ nights’ good rain ’ud a done a sight more good.” , “When I was coming home last night,” said Miss' Outlate, “I saw a man skulking along in the shadows. Oh, how I ran!” “An’ couldn’t you catch him?” queried her little brother innocently. Mother: ‘‘Good heavens, child, where have you beeA?” Child: ' "Bobby and I tumbled ’into tile pond.” Mother: “But where’s poor Bobby?” .Child: “Olf, I expect he’s out by now. The boy’s mother had him by the ear, and in her upraised hand there was a menacing stick. “I’ll learn yo to tie the kettle, to the cat’s tail 1” she yelled in wrath. “It wasn’t °ur cat, cried the frightened boy. “No, it 'wasn’t our cat,” almost shrieked the enraged mother. “But it was our kettle 1” Eminent Advocate: “Well, my little man, what are you going to be when you grow up ?” Little Man: .“Father thinks 1 should become a lawyer.” Eminent Advocate (highly flattered); “Why does he think that? la it because you are- so clever?” Little Man: “Oh, no . It’s because I ask so many silly questions.” “These are some verses-I wrote,” said the innocent young man, laying the paper, on. editor s desk; • you may give me just what you think they are worth.” “Ah,” replied the man with the pen, “I have not the authority to give you what you deserve. Remember, I am an editor, not a magistrate.” ’ 5 j > Kipling in Coontown.- —Mistah Coopah (after the tiff): “Yessah, yessah, de pote wuz, right, de pote wuz right—a. good cigali am a, good cmah, hut a. woman am only a'smoke.” • The Naked Truth.—Highball; “See tlie name on that picture?” Drybill : “Yes, 'Nude.’ ” Highball: “I was just wonderin’ what they put it there for. A blind man can’t read it, and a fellow with eyes can see for himself.” Johnson came home one evening triumphantly waving an umbrella. “Well, my dear,” he said to his wife, “you see I didn’t leave it anywhere to-day.” “I see, dear,” said. his wife, “but you didn’t take one with you this morning.” , . , “Oh, I am proud,” exclaimed a young singer. “I had a great reception after my song last night. Tlie audience shouted, ‘Fitoe! Fine! “Good thing you didn’t.jung again, m ii Ins friend. "Why)” “They would have yelled 'lmprisonment! Mr. Brigley, entertaining a. few friends: “You didn’t brush the cobwebs off this bottle of port.” James: “Excuse me, sir, but I saw you putting them on.this morning, and I wouldn’t take the liberty unhid!” “The pen is mightier than the sword ; remarked the earnest citizen. “That used to be the case,” replied Mr. Chuggins as he wiped his hands on his hip pockets;, “but what counts now is. a monkey-wrench or a pair of pliers.”

V-- • • c war economy; ; An old lady walked into an oil shop the. other day; and opening a. -bfuskec -which she held in her hand bi-ought out. several pieces of cotton of , various lengths. to v ‘ ‘•Well, madam,” said the obliging shopman, “what can I serve you with?” ■

-Well,” said the old lady, taking up a lengthy piece of cotton: “this is thy length from the windows to the-wall, .• and this (fishing up another piece of cotton) is the distance from the'wall; to the fi replace. ” ' „n. “Yes, madam,” said the puzzled “ shopman, “do you want some carpet ?” A “Carpet, young man, no,” said the indignant dame. “I want to know how much whitewash -I shall want to do the ceiling with.” It took the oilman nearly half an hour to explain that whitewash was not sold by measurement. ; ’* DIDN’T MIND HOW MANY. ’, Some time ago, while an Irishman was .repairing a gate in his employer’s yard, his master came out and asked him if he Avould partake of a glass of whisky. ■ . .to -; “All! shure, yer honor,”, sayk PjR. ' “It would help to keep me warm.’’ Whereupon a glass was handed him. “Well, that’s another nail in your coft'n, Pat,” said his master.

‘ “Ah! yer honor, it’s a very cold moiining, and I hope that you’ll be nfther knocking in a few more before dinner.” , ’ HIS DIVORCE. Mr. Blue, who had evidently got tired of married life, was one day tak. ing a walk with his wife. Suddenly he espied a dead dog lying in the middle of the road. »

When they came close up to it, he said to his wife;

“•Now,' Maly, thee stand on that side and I’ll stay on this.” After having taken up their respective positions, Mary was the listener to the following speech by her husband :.. .. .

“Now, Mary, ‘when I got wed to thee I promised tIT parson nowt but:, death ud part un, and I’m off.” Mary was last seen fainting. MOTHER’S ItfAME. A teacher in a lower grade in one of our public schools, received a hew pupil the other day—a little miss of six or seven years, named, say, Mat-: tie Brown. After taking her name for the school rolls, according to custom, the teacher said: o;.v “What? is your papa’s name, Mat-, tie?” . ■ ■ ; ' ‘ “Mr. Brown.” “Yes. I know; but what is his first nameT’ * , “Don’t know—his name is just Mr. Brown.” “Yes, yea, I know that,” said th? teacher. Then, ns a. bright idea struck her: “What does your mother call him ?” < ' “Oh, I know what you mean now,” the innocont child- replied ; “ma calls* Ipm ‘old skinflint,’ ” . V

WHY HE GALLED

. *■ /. Scene: Pawnbroker’s* suburban villa. Time : 3a. in. ( A loud knocking »at the front door and ringing of the bell was heard. This was followed by the noice of gravel thrown against the bedroom window. - .

Pawnbroker (opening window): “What’s the matter?”

Voice Below: “I want to know the time.”

“Go away! How dare you come dia. turbing me at this unearthly, hour?” “Unearthly hour! I tell you I want to know the time.” s “That’s not my business.” “Isn't it, by Jove! You’ve got my watch 1” M’GINTY THE ANGEL. " ’ M’Ginty had not been a mocfel husband; he had ill-treated his wife, had refused her the necessary.money for housekeeping, and had been a “bad lot.” Eventually lie committed a crime which brought him within the dutches of tire law, and was sentenced to three years’ penal servitude.’ In her poor little home that night his wife sat alone,- sobbing so, bitterly that at length a kindly neighbor ventured to go in. “Don’t take bn sol” she pleaded, gently stroking the sobbing woman’s hair. “Three years seems a long time, but probably l you’re husband will come back before then. Prisoners can get their sentences reduced, you know, by good behavior.” Checking her sobs, the weeping wife replied : “That’s just it! An’ mv ’ushamd can be a perfect angel when ..lie likes 1” • • 1 - ■, So you have read my new novel? How did you like it ? I laid down the volume with intense pleasure. THE STRONGER SEX. Poor Algernon made bold to eat A piece of ordinary pie; It brought him misery complete, He almost thought he would die.

Clarinda, on the other hand, When it was ninety in the shade, Ate chocolates which she said were “Grand,” , And washed them down with lemonade. -

She took ice-cream with syrup pink Until there was no keeping count; She quite exhausted, people think, The menu at the soda fount.

With salted almonds she made free, She swallowed pickles by the score, , A salad she effaced with glee. And them serenelv ordered more.

Now why does nature thus contrive Tlie boasted strength of man to flout? Why does Clarinda thus survive, .While Algernon’s down and out? ‘ •' s —Washington “Star.”

The young physician was tired, but, as be settled back in his, easy chair,, and bis newly-wedded wife took a seat beside. him, he asked affectionately:—

“And has my little, wife been lonely “Oh, no,” she ./said, animatedly; “at least, not very. I’ve found something to busv mvself with.” “Indeed!” he said. “What is. it?”

“Oh, I’m organising a class. ‘A lot of young girls and married' women, are in it, and we’re teaching each other how to - cook.?’’ . ~ . . ... “What do you do with the things .yon cook ” ’ ; “We send, them To the neighbours,” “Dear little woman,” raid he, “always thoughtful of your husband’s practice.”