HUSBANDS AND WIVES.
TWO YEARS. I. —Last Year. They strolled on the beach by the bright summer sea ; He and she. And they never paid any attention to me, He a.nd she. His air was superb, and to all that he said She modestly listened and hung down her bead, While with swift flying blushes her face grew red. Dear me ! 11. This Year. Again they are seen on the beach by the sea, She and he ; That they’re married this year you will quickly agree, She and he. In silence he stalks while she lays down the law, A man more submissive the world never saw. He’s learnt that a kitten has claws in her paw. Dear me ! THE WIFE KNEW BETTER. “ Charlotte, my dear, how is it I find you weeping ? Have yeu bad news from your husband ? ” • ' " Oh, worse than that !♦ My Arthur writes me from Carlsbad thathe would die with ardi nt longings for me, were it not that he could gaze affectionately at my picture, and caver it with a thousand kisses every day.” “ That is really very nice of him. And pray, is it that you are crying for ? I would give anything to have such a poetic and tenderly-loving husband as you have ! ” “ Ab, yes, my Arthur is very poetical ; hut let me tell you that, just to try him, 1 slipped my mother’s photo, into his travelling bag instead of my own before he started.” “ My husband is a peculiar sort of man.” “ How so ? ” •• Before we were married I couldn’t get him out of the house before midnight, and now I can’t get him into the house before midnight.” “ Of Two Evils,” fee.—“ John,” she said, softly, “ I’ve concluded to do without a new bat, and send for mother with the money—it won’t take much to pay her expenses here.” “ My dear,” he said, excitedly, “ the idea of your wealing that old bonnet another day is too horrible for me to endure, and I’ll never enter this house again until you get a new one.” The wife smiled to herself. <(< Wife (reading morning paper) : Why, the Mormons actually still claim the right of having two, three, and sometimes four wives at once. Husband : Why, at that rate, how can a man ever hope to be a widower ? ••• “This bread of yours, my dear, is a contradiction of the laws of gravity.” “ Indeed ? ” “ Yus, it’s as heavy as lead, but won’t go down.” •©• Hubby : It's darkest just before the dawn, dear. Wifey : Well, ytu ought to know. That’s tho time you get in ! •$e She : I know I’m a little irritable, John, but if I had my life to live again, I’d marry you just the same. John : H’m ! I have my doubts about it. •#>»* Mrs. KiDgsley : Wasn’t your husband out very late last night ? Mrs. Von Blumer (sweetly) : Yes.. But I felt sure he would be. Ha told mo he was going to meet your husband. «•<?« “ Can you forgive me and love me still ?” said the newly-made bride, “when I confess that my teeth are aitificial ?’’ “ Thank heaven !” cried the groom, as he snatched of! bis wig, “now{ can cool my head. * Business.—Jones (Father of seven girls) : Maria, put a decanter of that heavy , port wine on the table to-day. Mrs. Jones : Why do you want that wine on the table ? Jones : Old Goldbug is going to dine with me to-day. He can’t drink port without getting tight, and he may propose to one of the girls. Has tobeCarefnl. —Wife : You dance a great deal better than you aid before we were marlitd. Then you always tore my dress ia d«uciDg, but you don't now. Husband : Humph ! Then I didn't have to pay for it. ••• She remembered. —Husband : At what ago did you commit the most foolish act of your life ? Wife : At ray marriage. ••• Husband (on the return from Cburob) :It seems to me that was the longest sermon 1 ever listened to. Wife : Why, I thought it was very short. Husband : Yes, I suppose it was to you. The sermon Beems short to a woman when she wears a new bonnet to church for tbe first time. Wife : If I thought a thing was wicked, I’d die before I’d do it. Husband : So would I. Wife : Huh ! I think smoking cigars is a wicked waste ; an impious defilement, iu fact. Husband: Then you should not smoke. Hand me a match, please. •I* The Marriage Lottery.— *' I say, old fellow, how long did you know your wife before you married her ? ” “ I jdidn’t know her at all, dear boy.” <#®o “ Dearest,” said a sick wife, fondly to her husband, “ If I should die I wonder if you wouldn’t marry again ? ” “ No, indeed,” was the prompt reply, “ I have tried it once, and that’s enough for me.” She was so mad that she recovered almost immediately. Mr. Tromero: Where on earth is my new silk hat ? I’ve looked everywhere for it. His Bride (sweetly) : You said you wanted it ironed, dear, bo I sent it to the lauudry. A lady who had very recently married, perceiving her husband enter stole secretly behind him and gave him a kiss. The husband was, silly man, very angry, aud said she offended common decency, when the young lady unwittingly exclaimed,“Pardon me, I did not know it was yeu.” Kisses have been scarce in that house ever since. •ft Mrs. Colonel Blugrass : Doctor, what are the symptoms of paresis ? Dr. Billetn : Why, it usually manifests itself in strange, unusual and unexplainable actions. Mrs. Colonel ’Blugrass : Just as I thought, doctor, and my husband’s get it. He went fishing yesterday and came home sober. ••e A Conditional Reward.—Woman : My busband has disappeared, and may be dead. I want to offer a reward for his body. Chief of Police : Yes, madame. A description will be needed, and this, with the reward, will no doubt prove effective. He may be alive, you know, in which case, we may soon be able to return him to you. Woman : I shan’t pay a cent of reward unless he is returned dead, just remember that.
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Bibliographic details
Golden Bay Argus, Volume VII, Issue 67, 12 September 1901, Page 2
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1,024HUSBANDS AND WIVES. Golden Bay Argus, Volume VII, Issue 67, 12 September 1901, Page 2
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