“Keep-off-the-Grass.”

Golden Bay Argus, Volume VI, Issue 60, 22 July 1897, Page 3

“Keep-off-the-Grass.”

The shades of night were falling fast, when through a park a traveller passed, who read a sign upon the ground, that did his senses much confound—“lveep-off-the-grass. ” No grass was there to greet his eye, the snow was piled up mountain-high ; yet from the drift the sign stuck out, on it appeared with nary doubt—“ Keep-off-the grass.” “Try not the drift,” the policeman said ; uplifted was his haughty head. “ Try not the drift, for sure as sin, if you do that I’ll run you in— ‘ Keep-off-the-grass. ’ ” “Across the path the drift has blown, there’s no way out you’ll surely own, in which the risk will not be found of treading on this sacred ground—‘Keep-off-the-grass.’ ” “What's that to me ?” the man replied, as swelling with a conscious pride, he drew his staff with hideous grin—“ step on the grass ; I’ll run you in— 4 Keep-off-the-grass.’ ” The traveller knew the dangerous pass was lined on either side with grass, but both were covered with the snow ; he knew not then which way to go— “ Keep-off-the-grass.” The air grew icy cold and chill ; the stars came out and all was still; the policeman went into his box, and combed icicles from his locks —“ Keep-off-the-grass.” And when the morning light came round, the traveller in the drift was found, and o’er his snowy grave there stools that sign made out of old boxwood The Queen’s Coachman. The coachman who drives the Queen at Windsor, Balmoral, and Osborne, and who likewise accompanies her to the Continent, is Thomas Sands. Thomas has been long in the service and is a great favourite. The Queen greets him always with a friendly “Good-day.” Frequently when the drives are long the Queen causes the carriage to be stopped and tea brewed. This i 3 clone by means of a spirit lamp, and in partaking of the gentle stimulant with her ladies in attendance, the Queen does not forget her coachman. On one occasion, when her daughter, the widowed Empress of Germany, was with her and attempted to pour out the tea for the coochman, the Queen took the cup away from her under the pretext that she did not know “ how Thomas liked to have his tea sugared and creamed,’' and did it for him herself. An Evei*y-IJ>ay Scene, Pedestrian : “ What’s all that fuss about in that house—wedding V” Resident: “No. A new baby arrived last night, and all the women in the neighbourhood are going into ecstasies over it.” “ Who is that tall man all the women are crowding around?” “ He is a minister, come to fix a date for the christening." “And who is that short man who attracts so much attention ?” “ He is the doctor." “Ah! I see. That no-account fellow, who is being pushed out of the way or run over by the women, is the butler, I presume ?” “ No ; lie's the father.” 0 Am Up-to-Date Excuse. Constable McPinch : “Here, your washup, are the boorglar tools I found on the pris’rier. A jemmy, a centre-bit, a dark lantern, and a piece of lid poipe wrapped in a paper to look loike a booudle bought at a shop." Bill Sykes : “ Your worship, you will not let an innocent man be convicted on such flimsy evidence as that, I hope. Tne articles he speaks of are nothing but my bicycle lantern and repair kit." (ionl Salisbury and the Barber. Lord Salisbury is very fond of relating the tale of “The Small Barber of Portsmouth.” Some years ago Lord Salisbury had occasion to enter into a barber's shop in a suburb of the “ Naval City." The self-styled tonsorial artist had evidently recognised his distinguished customer, for when his Lordship passed the shop some two or three days after the event he was not a little surprised and amused to find a placard in the window bearing the following notice : —“ Hair cut, 3d. With the same scissors as I cut Lord Salisbury’s hair, 6d.” “ Wliat is Grace f” A clergyman was speaking to a Sundayschool class. “ Now, can any little boy tell me,” he asked, “ what is grace ?” There was a moment’s silence. Presently a diminutive boy of not more than ten summers held up his hand. “Please sir, I know,” said he. The minister was pleased. “ Well, what is grace?" he asked. “ Why, please, sir," said the small boy, “ he’s the champion cricketer."