THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 23189, 11 February 1939, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Irreligious. Doctor; “ Did tbs patient take the medicine I prescribed for him religiously?” Nurse: “No. sir. He swore every; time.” His Oversight.—Bilkins: “ 1 married a. girl I met by chance on a bus.‘but! I’ve regretted it ever since.” . Bilkson: “ Well, you know, people are fully warned not to get off whilo the vehicle is in motion.” ••* « , Addict.—“ Oh, listen to that marvel-* lons ‘ swing ’ music!” “ That’s classical music they’re playing.” “Well, it sounds good enough to be ‘ swing.’ ” Young Webster.—Teacher: “ Wait * moment, Johnny. What do you understand by that word ‘deficit?’ ”, Johnny: “ It’s what you’ve got when you haven’t got as much as if you just hadn’t nothin’.” ♦ * ♦ • Catalogued.—He was very fat, and was trying to chum up with the young lady at the boarding, house. “Yes,” said he, “I lead a very quiet life—l’m sort of—er—-detached!”- “ And double-fronted?” queried she sweetly. *•••,' Fashion Parade.—“ To-morrow I am 'going to see what the winter fashion ia hats is.” “ Darling, you can’t do that to-mor-row. It is Sunday. The shops will be closed.” “ Who is talking of shops? lam going to church.” **. • * Black-out for Air Raid Practice.-* A man ran along the street with a box. He stopped and opened the box. Constable: “ What have you got there?” Man: “ An undeveloped film.” Constable: “ What are you going to do with it?” Man: “Develop it.” Constable: “ Out here in the street ?”- Man: “ Yes, I can’t get such darkness in my dark room.” Sons of the Soil.—“ What’s Dick doing now?” “ Well. Dick’s a cattle salesman.’* “ And William?”. “He’s a minister.” “ And Tom?” “ Tom is in politics.” “ And you ?” “ I’m fanning—and feeding Dick* Tom, and William.” Howlers Again.—Tarzan is a short name for the American flag. Its full name is tarzan stripes., The gowns of the singers were -black and gold and embroidered with vermin. A crematorium is a machine which separates the cream from the milk by a new scientific process. . The Victor.—Little Gordon had arrived home from school with a cut lip and a black eye. “Dear me!” exclaimed his mother. “ Do you mean to say you’ve walked through the streets like that?” “ I had to, mum,” grinned Gordon. “ You see, there wasn’t room for two of us in the ambulance.” « N * « # Anxious to Suit. —Well equipped with refreshment and every conceivable kind of bait, the angler strolled forth. Having spent the whole of the day without as much as a nibble, he packed up and quietly surveyed- the stream. Putting his hand in his pocket ha brought out his coppers and threw them into the water. Addressing the elusive fish, he said! “ Here you are; go and buy yourselves anything you fancy.” •*• - ♦ Corrected.—The landlady was making a very determined umpteenth application for back rent. The would-be author endeavoured to pass off the matter of non-payment lightly. “My dear woman,” he said, airily, “ you do not view the thing in. the proper light. For instance, are you aware that in a few years’ time people will look up at this miserable garret reverently and say: ‘ Ah, that ia where Scrybe, the famous author, did his earliest work.’ ” ' “Aye?” the landlady retorted, unimpressed. “ Well, I’m not aware of that. What 1 am aware of, though, is that. if I don’t get that rent now them people you speak of ’ll be able to say it to-morrow!” « * So What? —The sailor had leave to go ashore, and in order to reach the streets he had to pass the dockyard gates, where a Customs officer was on duty to make sure that nothing wa* smuggled on shore. Approaching the officer, the sailor said politely: ; “ Will it be all right for me to bring, some tobacco ashore to-morrow? ” “ If you bring out more than the regulations allow,” said the officer grimly, “you’ll be arrested.” The sailor thanked him, and went on. Next day ho appeared again, and on passing through the gates was stopped by the Customs officer, who demanded: Where’s that tobacco? ” The sailor grinned broadly. “ I brought it ashore yesterday* mate,” he said.