THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22893, 26 February 1938, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

All_ Even.—Doctor: “ I hardly like to mention it, but that cheque you gave me has come back.” Patient: V That’s very funny, doctor; so have my symptoms.” '•* * * Harmony. —Jones: “ My wife and I got on splendidly for eight years.” Howes; “And what happened then? ” - Jones: “ Oh, she came back.” * * * • Hats! —Husband; "Three guineas for a hat! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.” , - Wife; “ I am, dear. But, you see, I thought you couldn’t afford a better one.” * * * * Experience.—Gentleman; “You are an honest lad, but the pound I lost was a note—not 20 shillings in silver.” . Boy: “I know, sir,- but the last time I found a pound note the 'owner had no change.”

Contraption.—Farmer Hodges cams into the kitchen and said he could notj find any old clothes to put on thei scarecrow. “ Well,” saiil his wife, “ our Wil-< Ham said I could give away his old plus-four suit, as lie had got a new; one. Why not use that? " “ Don’t be ridiculous,” said the far* mer, testily. “ What I want to do is to scare crows, not to make themj laugh.” | . ' Class, Not Kids.—A steward stood at| the gangway of a liner giving instruct tions to the arriving passengers* “ First-class to the left, second fo thsj right,” he repeated at Aj young woman stepped aboard with at 'baby in her arms. As she hesitated be-* fore the steward he leaned forward and! smiled politely. “ First or second* ma’am? ” he asked. ' “Oh,” she said, “n-neitherl I’m only the nurse.” •■• • • Taken for Granted.—*' H’m! ” saij the doctor. “ Nothing much to worry} about. Get; away for a week or twd in the country, take plenty of lend walks in the open air, and only ond , pipe a day.” “ But, doctor ——” be-i gan the patient, “No buts,” said the doctor. “ Only one pipe a day! *7 Six weeks later the patient called upoq the doctor. “ How do you feel now? ’I he was asked. “ Fit as a fiddle, bud the one pipe a day annoyed me, re* plied the manl “It’s no joke for aj man to take up smoking at my tmwj of life! ” • * • ♦ All Important. Author; “ It’« always the same! Whenever I want to work I can’t lay my hands on any* "thing.” Wife: “But, dear, I’ve just filled your fountain pen and put out plenty of paper.” . ■ Author: “Yes—but what have yoU done with the corkscrew?” • * * * Good Guess. —The two chorus; girljj were having tea together, “ Do you know,” said one, “ when the manager asked me my age, 1 couldn’t for the life of me remember! whether I was 20 or 21.” “ What did you say?”- asked he< friend. ' , “ Oh,” replied the other, “ I split difference and said nineteen.” ♦ * • • The Lawyer.t-“ Can you cast you! mind back to the days the waj when women were still without th< right to vote? ” asked Holmes. “I can,” replied Gray. “Do you remember how amazed everyone was when Bleriot succeeded in flying the Channel? ” “ I should think I do! ” said Gray. “ Can ■ you recall still earlier the night news was received of the relief of Mafeking? ” “ Oh, rather! What a night! ” -■ “Do you remember,” said_ Holmes, • impressively, “ that a fortnight ag<J I lent you five pounds? ” “ I’m sorry, old chap,” apologised Gray, “ but, to tell you the truth, ( had clean forgotten.”