THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22560, 30 January 1937, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Definition. — A citizen is a man who demands better roads, better health srevices, better schools, better houses —t and lower rates. * ♦ • * 1,2, 3,4, s.—lf yon* want to know how many beans make five it’s the two rows I planted in my garden last spring, • • • • Another About Scotland. —Then there was the Scottish doctor who insisted on a post-mortem when a patient died after shallowing his thermometer* # ♦ # ♦ A Dressing Address. —Mother: “Where’s yonr father, Tommy?’’ Tommy: “He’s in the bedroom, Mummy, saying rude words to his stiff collar.’’ •'* * * • Progress. —Young Actor: “I’ve got a job at last, Dad. It’s a new play and I’m a man who has been married 20 years.” ; His Father: “Splendid! That’s a start, anyway, my boy. And maybe one of these days they’H give you a speaking part.” ♦ • ♦ ♦ Artist’s Model. —A critic complains that nowadays the average girl thinks far too much about make-up. But not until she’s found the right man to make up to. • • « • The Stoic.—lt’s splendid to be a man who can smile In all sorts of. weather, Or one who can smile when his friend and his girl Leave the dance floor together, • • • • On Appro.— “*old Sam” had been carpenter at a certain old-established theatre in the provinces for about half a century, and the proprietors thought that it was time he retired on a pension. But Sam was a crabbed old fellow and chose to consider himself insulted by the well-meant offer. “ I wouldn’t ’ava took the job on at all,” he grumbled bitterly, “ if I ’adn’t thought it was goin’ to'be permanent!” '

The Wrong Woman—Wife: “Owing to the way you spoke to her on the phone this afternoon the maid has given notice.” Husband: “Great Scott! I thought [ was talking to you.” * * » * The Visitor.—A weaver was visiting the Channel Fleet, of Greenock, when he chanced to seek admittance to a man-of-war then closed to inspection. Disappointed, he turned to the quarter, master, and said pawkily:— “ Aweel, then, ye micht let the captain ken aw’ve been here. “ Who shall I say called?” “ Ane o’ the ownirs!” » * • * The Corked Bottle.—Simpson had been an abstainer for 20 years, but fell from the ways of grace. Feeling the need of recuperation, he sent his boy for a bottle of whisky. “ But,” said the hotel proprietor,“who’s it for?” “For father,” said the boy. “Nonsense! Your father’s been a teetotaller for longer years than you’ve lived.” ■ “Well, at all events,-he sent me for it.” ■ “ What does he want it for?” “To let you into a secret,” said the boy, “ he’s going fishing, and he wanti to use the cork for a float.”

A Generous Nephew. —“ Those pool little boys next door have no mummy or daddy, and no dear Aunt Emma,’* said a mother to her little son. “ Now, wouldn’t you like to give them some* thing—just a little present?”. “ Yes, rather,” ho replied quickly, “ Lot’s give them Aunt Emma.” * * • •

Those Hustling Americans.—An American visiting Winchester was told that it would take 12 men 37 years and 355 days to ring all the changes that are possible on the cathedral bells. “ I can’t wait,” he said, and hurnecj away.