THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22382, 4 July 1936, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Calculation.'—“Those are mighty big oranges.” “ Yes; ,it wouldn’t take many to make a dozen.” • , * -♦/.■# Interested to Know.—Father: “At your age. Tommy, I never’ told a lie.” Little Tommy:“ When did you begin, father? ” Opinion.—Job: “I heard about a man who lives on onions alone.” Jobyna: “Anyone who lives on onions ought to live alone.” '• • * * Easy.—Beginner: “ What’s the matter with my game? ” Pro.: “ Well, first you’ll have to unlearn all you know about the game. It’ll only take a minute.” * .* • • About as Necessary.—A school where women are taught how to buy clothes has been opened, according to a London writer. The next step, no doubt, will be a bathing pool for teaching ducks to swim. * ♦ • * Environment.—“ This room,” said the man who wanted board and - lodging, “ reminds, me of a prison.” “ Well,” replied the landlady tartly, “ it’s .largely a matter of what one ie actually accustomed to.” • * * • Collaboration.—“ Tell me the truth. Who did your homework?” “Father.” ' ' . “ Quite alone?” “ Oh; no;, I helped him! ” Answer id Question.—lt is complained, says an American journal, that the examiners at a Western college put easier questions to footballers than to other students. Like, “ Who delivered Lincoln’s Gettysburg addrese and where? ” . ' » ’ . 7 Operatic Dishes. —“ Only once in history has the personality ,of a great; singer inspired a great chef in the naming of a masterpiece—when we got the peche Melba.” “Oh, but I’m sure you’re wrong there. What about the oyster Patti ?’ • •** * ’ Make Sure .of Something.—First; “Why the suitcase, old man? Going for a holiday? ” \ Second :> “No. My wife’s managing a jumble sale, so I’m going to- leave some of my clothes -at the office till it’s over.” • * * • Effect of Time.—The conductor of 4 slow train said: “ Madame, your boy can’t pass for half-fare, as he’s too large.” The mother answered: “He may bo too large now, but be was small enough when we started.” • ■ ' . * • * Considered Opinion.—Mrs Malaprop: “ I think Napoleon was a much greater, soldier than Bonaparte.” _ > Friend: “But they were identical.” Mrs - Malaprop: ‘.‘That may be, but I always said that Napoleon was much the more identical of the two.” ••" * * Almost Impossible.—Helen: “Winnio has a very difficult role in the show the dramatic society is giving.” Joan; “Difficult? Why, she hasn’t a word to say.” Helen: “ Well, what could be more difficult for her ? ” « * Stories.—“ Only last year in India,” boomed the club, bore, “I suddenly found myself face to face with a maneating tiger.” " ■ . ■ “ And only last-week,” murmured the quiet little man in the corner, “ in a restaurant, I found myself face to face with a man eating fish.” / » * * •’ Compliment Preferred.—“ James,” said the* wife to her husband, “ how do you like my new hat? ’.’ “Well, my dear,”; said James, “to tell vou the truth t- —, .“Stop right there, James,” said she. “If you’re going to talk that way about it, I don’t want to know.” •.• • • Reason.—The members of a fishing club were quick to notice that since Brown had married he seemed disinclined to tell his many fishing experiences, which he used to demonstrate with his hands. At "a social gathering one member asked Brown whether he had forgotten all about the yard and a-half trout he once landed. V “ No.” murmured Brown. _ I remember. But I’ve given up telling fishing stories.” * , “ Why? ” asked another member, eager to solve the mystery. “ Well.” explained Brown, gloomily, “ every time I started to tell one at home ray wife gave me a skein of wool to hold.” • * , * *• Equity.—A darky named Sain borrowed 25 dollars from his friend Tom, and gave his note for that amount. Time went on. arid the, note became long overdue. One day . the two men met in the street. Tom stopped and said, with determination: “ Look heah, man, when you goin' t’ pay that note? ” ' ' “ I ain’t got no money now. replied Sam, “ but I’m goin’ to pay it as soon as I kin.” “ Yo’ been savin’ thet fer months, ’ retorted Tom, “but it don’t get me no money. Ef y* don’t pay thet money here and' now, y’ know.what I’m goin’ f do ? I’m goin’ to burn x yer old note : then; whar’ll yo’ be? ”' “ Yas, you do! Yas, yo do! ’’ Sara shouted. “ Jes’ yo’ burn dat (note o’ mine and I’ll pop a lawsuit on to yo’I” ,