THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22328, 2 May 1936, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Boon.—“ Your father looks very distinguished with his snow-white hair.” “ Yes, he has me to thank for that,’s • • « • Doubtful , Identity.—Hotel Pages “ Telegram for Mr Neidspondiavanci, Mr Neidspondiavanci!” Mr Neidspondiavanci: “ What initial, please?” **. * • Surprize,—We were about to drive off, when somebody suggested that I look into the tank to see if I had enough gas. It was pretty dark, so I ht a match and leaned over the gastank. I' brought the match directly over the gas-tank to enable me to see if there was any gas left. I saw that, there was plenty. So I got into the car and drove off. * * » « In the Blood.—An Irish Guards officer called up a sergeant and spoke of the unsoldierly appearance of a recruit. “ He looks very slovenly, sergeant. “ Yes, sor.” “ Are you sure he washes?” “ Yes, sor.” “ Absolutely certain, he washes?” “ Yes, sor; but he dries a bad colour, sor.” 1 * * * • Pal.—Bob was unable, through illness, to go to work on pay dav, so asked his work mate, Mick, to get his wages and bring them along to his house. _ Late that night Mick arrived at Bob’s house, looking rather serious. “ I’ve lost yer wages. Bob!” he said,- “ Lost my wages?” began Bob. But Mick interrupted him. “ Aye,’ he blurted, “ and I believe if I had gone on playing I should have lost my-own.” * * * » Consistent.—“ The Bedouins,” savs a returned traveller, “ are as arrant thieves as ever.” Still silently stealing away. - » * . * Sinecure. watcher ? ” asked the employer of the candidate for a job. “ No, I don’t like inside work,” replied the applicant, without heat. “ I’m a whistle listener.” * * * * No Glutton.—Unseen by the referee, the all-in w’restler bit his opponent severely. “ You’re biting,” hissed the sufferer.. “ Well,” gasped his adversary, “do yer expect me to swaller ye in a lump?” • * « « A Legacy.—Two London cabmen were glaring at each other. “Aw, what’s the matter with you?” demanded one. “ Nothing’s the matter with me.” “ You gave me a narsty look,” persisted the. first. “ Well,” responded the other, “ now you mention it, you certainly have a narsty look; but I didn’t give it to you.” f * * ' ■# • Definite Proof.—Teacher: “Johnny,who was Anne Boleyn?” Johnny; “Anne Boleyn was a flat iron.” Teacher: “ What on earth do yon mean?” Johnny: “Well, it says here in tha history book ‘ Henry, having disposed of Catherine, pressed his suit with Anne Boleyn.’ ” » * » • Comeback.—“ I want a shave,” said the disgruntled sergeant as lie climbed into the barber’s chair. “No haircut, no shampoo, no rum, witch haze], hair tonic, hot towels or face massage. I don’t want the manicurist to hold my hand, nor the bootblack to handle my feet. I don’t want to be brushed off, and I’ll put. on my coat myself. I just want a plain shave, with no trimmings. Understand that?” “ Yes, sir,” said the barber quietly, “Lather, sir?” » * » * Quite Different.—Said the chairman of a certain society at its annual meeting; “In most kindred associations half the committee does all the work, whilst the other half does nothing. I am pleased to place on record that in the society over which I have the honour to preside it is just, the reverse.” * * * * Tragedy.—“ Yes,” said the old man, “ I have had some terrible disappointments, hut none stands out. over the 1 years like . the,, one . that came to me when I was a boy.” “ And what was it?” “ When I was a boy I crawled under a tent to see a circus and discovered it was a revival meeting.” _ •**• . , • Right of Way.—The fog was very thick, and the Chief Officer of the tramp steamer was peering over the side of the bridge. Suddenly, to hi« intense surprise, be saw a man leaning over a rail, only a few yards away.,, “You confounded fool!” he roared,- “ Where the devil do you think your ship’s going? Don’t you know I’ve the right of way?” Out of the gloom came a sardonia voice: “ This ain’t no blinkin’ ship, guvV nor. This ’ere’s a light’euse!” 4* 4* 4* 4* 4 1, < i* $

" But, warder, it’s so much lighter like this.” —‘ Polite Humour.’