THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22276, 29 February 1936, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

" English ” in America.— Teacher; “John Henry, your work has fallen down; and if you are going to pick it up, you’ll have to step on it.” • • * » By Comparison. —“ I wonder the landlord doesn't do something to repair this deplorable block of flats.” “ Well, he was going to do something about it until he went on a tour to Naples and saw the ruins of Pompeii. Now he tliinks this isn’t too bad.” • • * • Breaking the Fall. —She: " We must have some softwood floors put in, dear.” He : “ What for? ” She: "Cook has broken another dish.” * * • • The Signs. —“ Are they in “ They must be. She listens to him describing a game of cricket, and he listens to her telling how her cousin’s new dress was made.” ♦ * * ♦ A Double Meaning. —The boxer entered the fur department of a large store, and fixed the assistant with an eye that showed he was one who stood no nonsense. “ 1 want a set of furs,” he said. " A present for a friend.” “Yes. sir,” replied the assistant; “ any special kind? ” “The dark brown set in the window looks the sort of thing I want. It mustn’t be too expensive, though.” The assistant followed his gaze. “ Oh.” he exclaimed, “ you mean skunk! ” .. . And when he woke up he found himself in hospital. • # • • Preference.— The host had given instructions that a magnificent repast was to be provided, and that there was to be no stinting of champagne. Two guests were just partaking of their fifth glass of champagne when one of them turned to the other and whispered;— “ 1 say, I wonder when the whisky is coming round? I don’t go too much on these foreign mineral waters.”

Nature Note.—“ Monkeys,” says a scientist, “ have a limited vocal range.’* They can’t sing for nuts. Direct Proposal.—He: “ You should see the new altar in our church.” She: “Lead me to it.” * * » • Happy!—Father: “The last of my daughters was yesterday.”. Friend: “Really? Who was the happy man? ” Father : “ I was.” » * * » A Little Learning.—Willie: “Please, teacher, what did I learn to-day ?”■ Teacher: “ What a strange question.”. Willie:' 4 Well, they’ll ask me when I go home.” B * • ♦ * Roundabout. —" The world is round,isn’t it? ” * “ Right.” “Then if I wanted to go east I could eventually get there by going ■ west.” . “ What are you—a taxi driver? * * * * The Answer.—Highbrow Girl (half* heartedly congratulating her friend, who has become engaged): “ All the same, I don’t know what you can see iii him. He doesn’t like Tolstoy, or Ibsen, or Pirandello. What does he like? ” Fiancee: “ He likes me.” * #.*■.* Misunderstanding.—“ What happened to your nice lodger? ” inquired the landlady’s friend. “ Oh, I had to get rid of him,” was the -reply. “He told me he was a Bachelor" of Arts from Cambridge, and I found out he had a wife and family in Nottingham.” * * * • Well and Truly.—Surrounded by the members of the corporation, the mayor, in his robes arid chain of office, stepped forward to open the new golf course. He took a mighty swipe with a driver, which he buried in the earth a foot behind the ball, smashing the clubhead, and dislodging a large piece of turf. Then, in solemn tones, he said:—- " Gentlemen, I declare these links well and truly opened.” * * * * Business Brisk. —“ Just leave it to me. It’s perfectly simple. I’ll fix it up before you can say ‘ Jack Robinson.’ ” Everyone knows the man who talks like this whenever a small household task wants doing—such as mending a burst pipe or putting up a shelf. Robinson was like that, and \yhen ai stone Came through one of the windowpanes he said he felt it would be extravagance to call in the glazier. “ 111 do it myself.’’, he announced. He took the measurements and went to buy the glass. _ . “ Quite a simple job,” said the shopkeeper. “ You just mill out the old glass, fit in the new, fill in with putty, and there you are.” An hour later Robinson presented himself once more at the shop. The proprietor greeted him with an air or bright efficiency, , “ Same size again, sir, I suppose? — 1 he inquired. * * * * He Was Agreeable.—“ Boy, when I ask you a question answer ‘ Yes, sir,’or ‘ No. sir.’ ” Said the boy: “ Righto.” • « * • Secretive.—" Money talks,* I tell you.” . , “ Yes, but it never gives itself away '” * * . * He Wondered. —Visitor: “Do .you know vyho I am, my little man? ” Four^year-olci: “Don’t you know^ who s’ou are? ” - » ■ * Answered.—“ Whoever • learned to write perfect French from school books? ” asks an author. The reply is—“ Frenchmen.” « * * * Naturally.—“ If you arrived home one night and had only one match, had a fire to light, gas to light, and a cigarette to light, which would you light first? ”, “ The match.” • • • The Ass. —“ Man.” said the lecturer, “ is a progressive being; other creatures are stationary. Take for example the ass. Always and everywhere it is.the same creature. You have never seen, and you never will see, a more perfect ass than you see at the present moment.” To Match.—“ Aren’t some of the hats women wear absurd? ” “ Yes.” replied Miss Cayenne;" and yet when some people put them on they do look so appropriate.” • * * * Tolerant. —She (to Him) : “ I admit there are two sides to every question-" mine and mother’s.”