BY THE WAY

Evening Star, Issue 22228, 4 January 1936, Page 2

BY THE WAY

[By X.Y.)

11 The time has come, the Walrus raid, “ To talk of many things.”Forgot to toll you last week about our Christmas lamb—not a poor, disintegrated littlo follow who goes so well with green peas and mint sauce, hut a real live member of the species, fresh from the mountains at the back o’ beyond, and as cheeky as they make ’em. A bachelor uncle of the “ X.Y.” children brought him into town. It is just the sort of thing a bachelor uncle would do—plenty of thought for the youngsters but none for the oldsters, who, when it comes to the point, have to do most of the feeding and shepherding. Still, the new arrival does keep his playmates occupied for a few minutes each day. Which, as Mrs “ X.Y.” so thankfully remarks, is always something.

It is the future we view with misgiving. AVhat does one do with pet lambs when, as sometimes happens, they become sheep? Do they remain on one’s property to die of old age or do the soothsayers forsee the time when they go for a long voyage across the sea and become “ prime Canterbury?” The thought of the latter fate descending upon a pet is repellent. The destiny of this lamb is beginning to worry us. Now that we have gone thus far on the road to sqnatterdom, it might be advisable to sell the lawn mower and establish the nucleus of a small flock. Two doors away there dwells a stock agent. Already he appreciates our lamb—called him the “ backbone of New Zealand ” only the other day and asked to be allowed to handle the clip. We shall consult him and report progress.

The other day I walked along, My chin stuck out, my manner strong, My mind tumultuously athrong With New Year resolutions, All sorts of things I’d sworn and vowed (Although, discreetly, not aloud). By way of contributions To keep my stock or righteousness (Quite small enough) from growing less. I felt, when all is said and done, That ’Thirty-Six, if thus begun— By me and every other one— Might see the whole world'better If every mother’s son could rouse Himself to fashion virtuous vows, And keep them to the letter. Then world affairs, now grim and stern, Might lose their tragedy and turn To gay comedietta. I loosed this brain-wave on a guest, Who didn’t seem a bit impressed. “Suppose.” said he, “the world progressed Until we reached perfection. If everybody did as you Apparently propose to do By way of self-correction, Catastrophe is hound to come— Your prophesised millennium Will never bear inspection. “ If everybody ceased to thieve, Assault, assassinate, deceive, The consequences, 1 believe, Would simply be appalling, For crowds of men, bereft of jobs. Would congregate in hngry mobs With most unseemly brawling. For everyone whose job, you see, Depends upon iniquity _, ■ . ■ Would promptly lose his calling. If every wickedness should cease The country wouldn’t need police, Or any justice of the peace, Or judge or prison warder, Or barrister or magistrate, Or other minion of the State For keeping law and order,” For how could trades like these exist Without the drunk and bigamist, The killer and defrauder. Tho functions of the traffic cop Would automatically stop, While revenues from fines would drop, And end by disappearing; In fact, if nobody did wrong' The prospect would become, ere long, The opposite of cheering, And universal virtue might Be followed, possibly, by quite A universal clearing. Behold the chaos (so to speak) If every bobby, judge, and beak Where driven out of work, to seek His bread in divers places. Could universal vy-tue stand The spectacle on every hand Of famished legal faces? Why, charity herself would lead Us on, to do some lawless deed, And furnish them with cases. “Besides,” ho gabbled on, “what’s more —— ” But here, I grieve to say, I swore (And resolution No. four Was therewithal sent flying) And told him, with a naughty oath, That all his arguments were both Illogical and trying, Advising him, both here and now, To register a solemn vow To give up argufying! • » * * * Dear “X.Y.” (writes “Business Man”), 1 am perplexed, not to say perturbed. It has all come about oveiv tho use, or rather the non-nse, of that wretched word “ Esquire,” which, in an abbreviated form, is commonly written in addressing letters. It lias always been my conviction that ninetenths of our population are not entitled to have it appended to their names. Therefore, as a general rule, my correspondents receive from me a plain, straightforward “Mr,” which ought to he good enough for anybody. Greatly to my surprise, however, and my loss of faith in the reasonableness of man. I have received more than one complaint from individiuls who assure me in pained tones that “ Esq.” is their due portion. You will realise, of course, the fix I am in. I wish to carry into practice my ideas.cn what is right and what is wrong, and at the same time I isally cannot afford to upset some of my business correspondents. Will you, liko a good chap, please draw on your reservoir of erudition and tell me all you know about the how, why, where, and when of that mischief-mak-ing term?

loved one. Love tlat is worth anything must be like a stone thrown into a pool, its ripples widening and ever widening until they reach, perchance,' new shores, wider horizons. I would not give you twopence for mother love that docs n'ot make the mother love all children because she loves her own so much. Here, then, . is the test of the supremely selfless mother. Let us assume that her instincts are all for self? denial; yet her brain teaches her that self-denial results in self-indulgence in others. Her duty then becomes imperative; she must deny herself her own self-denial, sacrifice her own self-sacri-fice, make a burnt offering of her owii sweet and unselfish nature that she may engender all these qualities in her children. In short; she must be a pleasantly and delightfully selfish mother oii occasions. It is a duty and, unlike most duties, often a pleasure. \

Well; now, who could resist such a heartfelt appeal? Wo feel bound to try to answer “ Business Man’s ” questioning—though it must be feared that the “ reservoir of erudition” which ho so graciously includes in his estimate of our capabilities will have to remain to the credit of such as Chambers, Webster,’ and Fowler, whose mammoth works wo have consulted. All these great men of letters and words are agreed that an esquire was originally a shield-bearer of a knight and wore spurs of silver. So far, so good. That would appear to let our correspondent out. For nobody in Dunedin is a shield-bearer to a knight; nor is it likely that there arc many silver spurs to be found hero.

A gentleman (say the Messrs Chambers) is one who bears a coat of armour, but not every gentleman is an esquire. With his well-known fondness for accuracy, lie continues: “It is difiicult to define exactly who, in strict law, is now entitled to the designation.” Four classes of eligible® are mentioned, but as one of these is obsolete, it -will be necessary to refer to only three. These are; (1) The eldest sons of knights and their eldest sons in perpetual succession. (2) The eldest sons of the younger sons of peers and their eldest sons in perpetual succession. And (3) esquires by virtue of their office, such as justices of. the peace and others who bear any office or trust for the Crown. In common usage the designation is loosely given in English-speaking countries to persons supposcd_ to be in comfortable circumstances or in. a position of distinction. From this it will he seen that class three and sundry individuals supposed to be in comfortable circumstances or in positions of distinction are the only ones that “ Busness Man ” will need to consider seriously. He will have to use his own good judgment in the matter. A useful test of means might Ido an appeal for a donation towards a pet charity or a request for a substantial loan. If these measures are successful there should he no diffidence about the bestowal of a little flattery. Harmsworth. adds barristers to his list of esquires, while the Imperial Dictionary, after mentioning professional and literary men, as well as officers of the Royal Navy and the British Army, goes on magnanimously to say that nowadays “ Esq.” may ho a complimentary adjunct to almost any person’s name, Tho Messrs Fowler, always concise, define the word as a title appended to tho name of one regarded as a gentleman by birth, position, or education. So there you are, “ Business Man.” We do not know whether we have succeeded in helping you or not. At any rate, you can rest assured that one who is really an esquire or a gentleman is not likely_ to care whether ho is given the title or not. But wo all recognise the fact that there are certain courtesies which it is good taste to observe. * * * » While walking slowly home the other afternoon we were accosted by a holiday punter. Ho was not intoxicated —just slightly merry. Said he, casting a glance at the evening paper which we carried: “ ’Sense me, but could you tell he what won the Auckland Cup?” We saw no harm in allowing him to consult the “ Stop Press ” column. “ There’s the joker I had a quid on,” he exclaimed, pointing to the name of an animal that had run third. “ Done it in, by gosh!” “ But didn’t you back him for a place?” we asked. • % “No; straight-out. That’s me!” came the answer. We expressed sympathy. “ Oh, it doesn’t matter,” he went on airily. “It makes no difference—no difference at all. Cheerio!” And he went on down the street murmuring. happily: “No difference at all.” A trifle puzzled over the mathematics and philosophy of racing, we, too, went on our way. « « « • Northern visitor to St. Clair: “ There is not a better beach in the Dominion than St. Clair.” An American visitor to Oroti: “I don’t think there is a beach in all California to equal your beach at Oreti.” But wait till somebody takes a Japanese wool buyer to Tomahawk! * * * • These women! ■ 8.8. C. Announcer (after making a few remarks about the All Blacks): The Barbarians beat Leicester by . . . Innocent Young Wife: The Baroarians indeed! So that’s what they are beginning to call us New Zealanders ! • • • * It is claimed that canned beer, which is shortly to he exported from England, occupies 40 per cent, less space than bottled beer. This should he good news for topers who attach some value to their “ capacities.” * * ♦ * The League Commission on Bases of Nutrition finds that the potato contains more iron, calcium, phosphorus, and vitamins B and C than grain.—Cable. ' Ah! good old common earthy spud, Plebeian, popular “ pertater,” Once thought a dietary dud, A hall of starch and nothing greater, Wliat'virtues now are found within Thy dingy, unattractive skin? Australia now may well deplore Those practices which now embitter ns, Beseeching us for more and more If only we’ll import her citrus, Forgetting her absurd embargo On every healthful tuber cargo. They’ll say to us: ,“ We long for some Potatoes to he sent across for us. They’re chock-a-block with calcium And brain-invigorating phosphorus, For-we, poor Aussies, know at length What gives New Zealanders their strength.” There’s iron in the spud as well, The source at once of nerve and vigour, But not (as any fool could tell) Inserted by some careless digger, But genuine, undoubted stuff To make the eaters hard and tough. So, what with this and what with that. Our neighbours wonder now no longer Why good old “ Murphy’s ” habitat Produces better men and stronger Than any fellows who may he Evolved across the Tasman Sea. It isn’t the lettuce leaf or nut We seek for to invigorate us, It’s absolutely nothing hut New Zealand’s native-grown potatoes, The great Solanum Tuberosum, So dig your section up and grow some.