THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22032, 18 May 1935, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Not Encouraging.—He; There, are some who thirst after fame, others after wealth, others after love (deep and continued sigh). She (brightly): And there is something I always thirst after. He (eagerly): Yes? She: Salt fish! « * * Farms And The Man.—Stranger: I want to buy a good farm. Estate Agent: You’ve come to the right plafce, sir. What’s your business? Stranger: I’m a farmer. Estate Agent; Oh, we have no good farms for farmers! I thought you were a city chap. •». * •» f He Canoe. “Now, if I write ‘n-e-w’ on the blackboard, what does that spell?” “New.” “Now I’ll put a ‘k’ in front of it, and what have we?" “Canoe.” vr ■fv •• Loafing.—Husband: By the way, my dear, what sweet are we having for dinner? Wife: Sponge cake. I “sponged” the eggs from Mrs Jones, the flour from Mrs Brown, and the milk from Mrs Smith. » * * Hit For Hat.—Mr Homes: Fancy, Mrs Smith threw a saucepan at her husband because he sat on her new hat. I could never do a thing like that Mr Holmes; Ah! Because you love me so dearly, eh, pet? Mrs Holmes; Ye-s. Besides I haven’t a new hat. Quite Qualified.—A man applied, for a job as life-saver at the municipal baths. As he was about 6ft 6in tall and well built, he was given an application form to fill in. “By the way,” asked the official, “can you swim?” “No,” replied the applicant, “but I wade like blazes.” « * * r Have You Ever Noticed.—When the other fellow is set in his ways, he’s obstinate; when you are. it is just firmness? When the other fellow .doesn’t like your friends, he’s prejudiced; when you don’t like his, you are simply showing that you are a good judge of human nature? When the other fellow tries to treat someone especially well, he’s toadying; when you try the same game, you are using tact? When the other fellow picks flaws in things, he’s cranky; when you do, you are discriminating? r When the other fellow says what he thinks, he’s snitefult when you do, you are frank?

Only a Memory.—‘T can’t bear to think of my 30th birthday, John,” “Why, what happened then, Dorothy?” * * * Perforce. —Doctor: Troubled with your throat, eh? Ever gargled with salt water? Patient: Yes. I was nearly drowned while swimming in the sea last summer. * * •* ' Silent Source.—Guest (to hostess): My dear, where did your wonderful string of pearls come from? You don’t ( mind my asking, do you? Hostess; Certainly not. They came from oysters. c* * * . Another Matter.—“A statesman is supposed to be familiar with all public questions.” “Yes,” replied Senator Bakblox, “but not necessarily with all the answers.” * * * ! His Error.—At a meeting of an urban distritst council the clerk announced that\ he wanted a supply of ribbons for the typewriter. Immediately a member protested against such extravagance; “She is a very satisfactory girl,” he said, “but I don’t see why she should be provided with finery at the expense of the ratepayers.” * * * There’s Many A Slip. Two lovers tarried in the park, When twilight shades were softly stealing; When suddenly Augustus Claude Before the maiden fair was kneeling. “Arise, my love,” she quickly said, Her trembling tones true love revealing; “The passers-by will see you dear, Try to repress your ardent feeling.” . The youth arose and sadly said:— “For wounds like this there is no healing: “I’ve got no tale, of love to tell, ‘‘l slipped upon some orange peeling.” •X' Too Frank!—On arriving home father ‘ found a franc in his small change, so he went out to do a little shopping, taking Herbert, aged five, with him. ( , , ~ He went to the grocer’s and the grocer, looking at the franc, said with an air of surprise, “Why, .that’s 3 franc!” He went to the chemist, and the chemist said regretfully that the coin in father’s hand was of foreign extraction, and useless to him. "Good Heavens, so it is! exclaimed father. “I wonder where I got that?” . “Don’t you know. Dad?” sa'd Herbert. “that’s the one you showed the grocer!”

Peacemeal. —“Every time I have an argument with my girl friend I enter it in a small diary!” “Oh, I see. You keep a scrapbook!” ■» * * Business First.—Suitor: I wish to marry your daughter, sir. Dad: Do you drink, young man? Suitor: Thanks very much, sir, but let’s settle this other matter first. The Weaker Sex.—“ They tell me Simpson had quite a scrap with his wife last night.”' “What was wrong with him?” “I didn’t hear.” “Liquor, do you suppose?” “No, she licked him!” * # * Prior Claim.—After the locomotive had smashed a car at the crossing, a flapper rose from the wreckage uninjured and powdered her nose. The driver and others gathered round. “Why in the world didn’t you stop when you saw the engine coming?” asked the driver. The flapper was indignant. “I sounded my horn before you blew your whistle,” she said, de* fiantly. i * * * His Son And Hair.— Barber: Well, my little man, and how would you like your hair cut? Tommy: If you please, just like father’s, and don’t forget the little round hole at the top where the head comes through. Self-Portrait.—She dabbled in water-colours, and was rather proud of the results; also, her complexion was the envy of her acquaintances, and they said spiteful things about it. At a dinner party she sat next to a shy, awkward young man, who cudgelled his brains in vain for something to say. She took pity on him and tried to open conversation with expectant modesty. “I dare say you have heard that I paint?" “Yes,” he said, looking at her face. Then he added, with a pleasant smile, “but I don’t believe it!” * All-Night Service.—An English tourist was on his first visit to Niagara Falls, and a guide was trying to impress him with their magnitude. “Grand!” suggested the guide. The visitor did not seem impressed. “Millions, of .gallons a minute!” explained the guide. “How many in a day?” asked the tourist. . “Oh, billions and billions!” answered the guide. The visitor looked across and down and up, as if gauging the flow. “Runs all night, too, I suppose?” he remarked nonchalantly.

Some Fish! A young angler related to me Of a fish that he’d caught in the Dee; He said, “Only by strength Did I get it at length, And the river went down six-foot three.” Quick Disposal.-rr-Jones (to bus driver): Where are you taking all those women? Bus Driver: To Burnham. Jones: Wait a minute—you can take my wife. Inconvenience.—Tommy: Will you wash my face, mother? Mother: Can’t you wash it yourself? Tommy: Yes, but that means wetting my hands, and they don’t need it! * 7T Properly Jugged.—A guest was seated at dinner next to a deaf Old lady. “Are you fond of bobbed hair?” he asked her. “I can’t say,” she replied. “Ive never tasted it.” * * * Of Infinite Variety.—Boy (applying for job, to manager): Sir, I perceive by the card in your window that you require a well-spoken, civil, respectable lad. May_ I draw your attention to my capabilities in those virtues? , .. Manager: Sorry, laddie, but 1 have just engaged a lad for that vacany. , ■ ! Boy: Then, why in Hades don t you take the blistering card out of your darned window, you dunderheaded old buffer! * * «■ Ever The Woman.—The vicar had called to compliment the old woman on reaching her 80th birthday. In the course of their conversation the vicar remarked that there was another old woman in his parish who had just passed her 102nd year, whereupon t|ie old woman of 80 fixed her glasses, looked at him, sniffed, and said;— ■ • % “A hundred and two! Believe, me that woman’s 122 if she’s a day!” * * * Hardly Guilty.—A man, charged with assaulting his wife by dragging her from a certain meeting and compelling her to , return home with him replied as follow: “In the first place I never attempted to influence my wife in her views or her choice of a meeting. Secondly, my wife did not attend the meeting in question. In the third, place, I myself did not attend' the meeting. To conclude., my r'— ’• -*\v '-—'Hon io go to • +>>« Finally, I never had a wife!”