THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 22004, 13 April 1935, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Gardener’s Boast.—“A lawn —I did it.'” * * * Grand Slam.—“ Good morning!” said the canvasser. “I have here a simple gadget to prevent doors from slamming—” “Not this door, thank you.” , * * , * Those Anglers—A man who claims to be the smallest in the world is just under three and a-half feet in height. It is said that he receives letters from anglers all over the world asking if he will be photographed holding fish they 4 have caught. ■* » * Horticultural.—A popular novelist is addicted to gardening. Always thinking of his plots! * « Parlour Prattle.—“So you think this would be a good time to speak to your father?” “Yes, he’s got his shoes off!” In The News.— “Dolly is coming to the fancy dress dance in a dress made of newspapers.” “Really, I suppose it’s the only way the poor girl can get into print." * * * Cure-ious—Wife: Oh, darling, one of the goldfish is in a dreadful way —almost dead. Gan it be cured, do you think? Husband: H’m, I don’t see why not. They cure schnapper, don’t they? * * * Invoking Sympathy.—lt was stated in court that a certain pickpocket always wears white spats. His idea is that when he runs madly along the street, sympathetic people will always make way for him under the impression that he is a bridegroom making a dash for safety. * * * Keeping Count. —Mother wanted to spend Saturday afternoon shopping and father—a statistician—reluctantly agreed to abandon his golf and spend the afternoon with the three small and energetic children. When mother returned father handed her this: “Dried tears, nine times; tied shoes. 13 times; toy balloons purchased, three a child; average life of balloon, 12 seconds; cautioned children not to cross street, 21 times; children insisted on crossing street. 21 times; number of Saturdays father will do this again, none-

Aim In Life.—“ Some wives miss their husbands," says a writer. Others soon learn to throw straight.

S Unfeeling.—Chorus girl: I stand in front of my mirror for hours admiring my beauty. I suppose you d call it vanity? Her friend: No, imagination. * * * ' He Knew Salesmen.—Boss; Ini surprised at you! -Do you know wnat they'do with boys who tell lies. Office Boy: Yes, sir. When they get old enough the firm sends them out as salesmen. * * * Better Than Cure.—We are told that a yawn can often be prevented by shutting the eyes. But the kindest method is to inform the raconteur before he has got into his stride that you have heard the story before. Nothing Like It.— Two youths went to see a billiards match in which well-known professionals were playing. ■ . fh Silently they watched one of the players pile up a huge break, and at last one whispered to the othei. “What do you call this game, Alt. “Why, billiards, of course, replied Aif. The other was silent for a few minutes; then he whispered again to his friend: “Well, what do they call the game we play at our club. Ova And —The comedian went into the provision shop looking awfully worried. “I see you exhibit a card in your window!” said he. nervously, “which reads, ‘Empire eggs’!” “Well,” said the shopman, what about it?” , ~ „ . ~ “Well,” said the pro., 1 m singing at the Empire to-night!” Wool Gathering.—Jones was one of these impossible individuals who, when they see a piece of cotton or thread on a person’s clothes, simply cannot resist the temptation to pick in the theatre one night. He saw a piece of wool on a girl s collar. Jones reached out and picked it off, and kept on pulling until he found that he had a large ball of wool in his hands. Quickly he dropped it on the floor and vanished from the theatre. The next morning the victim ot Jones’s attentions said to her .sister: “A funny thing happened at the theatre last night—l lost my vest! ’

Not Retiring.—Doctor; You should take a bath before you retire. Patient; But, doctor, I don’t expect to retire for another 20 years yet. * * * Proof.—“ Have you forgotten that 10/- you owe me?” “Certainly not. Didn’t you see me try to dodge into that doorway?” *■ * » Garrulous. —He: I understand that kisses are the language of love. She: Yes. He; Well, let’s talk things over. * * * Safety Measure.—He: Isn’t it about time baby called me daddy? She: I’ve decided not to let him know who you are until the little darling gets a little stronger. # » # . Poor Service.—“ That milkman of ours seems to be getting all mixed up in his deliveries.” “Doesn’t he leave the right amount?” “Oh, it’s not the milk, dear; but three times this week he’s delivered the wrong husband.” # * * Out Of The Hunt.—“ Didn’t you have any luck at the races?” “Luck! When my horse passed me, I leaned over the fence, pointed, and yelled, ‘They went that way!” * * * The Gentle Hint.—“ Some things, of course, go without saying,” the bore visiting Miss Blunt happened to remark. “Yes, and others say without going,” she retorted. * * * On The Hustings.—“ Are you Britishers going to take all this lying down?” , , “No fear! That’s the reporter’s job.” * * * Good Girl—Mrs Brown had a treasure of a maid, and she was praising her wonderful qualities, especially her trustworthiness, to envious friends, when the girl herself entered the room with the tea. “Oh. Jane!” said Mrs Brown, “will you run upstairs and fetch that letter I left on my dressing table?” “Er—er —which one, ma’am?” inquired Jane. “The one about your brother’s divorce or the one about the hire-purchase payments being late?”

Bar Blarney.—“ Nice ale, please.” “Pale?” “No. a glass.” * * * Just Great. —“Most men admire my dainty feet,” Thus boasted pretty Sue, "And I should rather like to know If you admire them, too,” "Oh, rather!” muttered Archibald, Who hadn’t any sense. "I really think they’re simply great; By Jove, in fact immense.” . * * . Tactless. “Dotty broke with Jack.” “Why?” . “He said he fell in love with her at first sight.” . “What’s wrong with that? “Well, he met her at a masquerade.” * * * Unmusical Instrument —“Have you ever speculated on why you are so popular in your neighbourhood?” “No, except that I told my neighbours that I always played the saxophone when I got lonely.” » * * Handsome,— During- a severe frost a young woman entered a chemist’s shop and asked for a remedy for sore hands. The shopman recommended a certain preparation, which he said was warranted to keep away chaps. She said that was hot the kind of thing she wanted. * * * The Only Hope.—A motorist stopped at a village tea-house, where he was supplied with some very hard and ancient cakes. He glanced at the menu and sent for the manageress. “I see from your bill of fare,” he said, mildly, “that your cakes are all home-baked, and that you supply socials and clubs.” “That’s right, sir,” said the manageress. “Well,” said the customer, “just lend me one of your clubs, will you?” » * » Outlay And Layout.—A British boxer has become a landscape gardener. He is evidently determined to lay out something. * * -» Reversion.—During his honeymoon the Scotsman took his wife to see the dentist, who, after making an examination, said, “Dear, dear, these teeth ought to have been taken out years ago.” ■ “All right,” said the Scot, “carry on and take them out, and send the bill to her father.” 4