THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21904, 15 December 1934, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

All Right.—Policeman: It’s light-ing-up time! Motorist: Well (hie). I’m lit up! -•» * * Exactly.—“lf the barometer falls suddenly, is that a sign it’s going to be stormy?” it is asked. Either that or it hasn’t been nailed up properly. # Nightmares. Daughter. Her gown is a dream. Father; Yes, but her husband walks the, floor at night thinking how he is going to get the money to pay for it. ; » « » /They Took The Hint.—“ Are you still bothered by those relatives of yours who come down from town to eat a big Sunday dinner and never invite you in return?” asked Mrs Nosey. ‘‘No,” said the unfortunate victim, “they finally took the hint.” . “What did you say to them?” asked Mrs Nosey, eagerly. “Nothing was said,” explained the other, “but we served sponge cake every time they came.”’ ■sf 41* ■St - By Sufferance.—“So your husband is letting, his beard grow?” “He is not letting it grow—l am letting him grow f it.” ■ .* * » The Food Problem.—They sat at the table facing each other.’ He mechanically consumed the food which' she placed before him. “Oh,” she said, “I am so glad you like it. : Mother says that there are only two things I can make properly —lettuce salad and marmalade tart.” “Indeed,” said he, “and which of the two is this?” ** • * He Wanted To Know.—A mother had beeh telling her small son some of the facts of life, and when she had finished she said: Now, my boy, are there any questions you' would like to ask? Anything at all; don’t be afraid. , After a heavy thinking the boy replied: Well, yes, there’s something I’ve been wanting to know for, a long time. She asked him what it was. . “Mother, r how -do they make bricks?” * «• . # , "Going Over The Top.”—A battalion of negro troops was . awaiting orders to start for the front. One of the men had somewhere picked up a copy of the Paris edition of a New York newspaper. “Does dat paper say anything about us boys?” inquired a sergeant. “It sho’ does,” answered the private. “It sez' dat 25,000 coloured troops is goin’ over de top to-night, suonorted by 50,000 Frenchmen." “Well, I knows whut to-morrow’s number of dat paper’s goin’ to say. It’s goin’ to say in big black letters, ‘Fifty-thousand Frenchmen trampled to death by 25,000 niggers.’ ”

“Two shillings for a bathing-hut? I say, that’s a- bit stiff, isnt it?” "Yes, sir, but remember that includes the hire of a bicycle.”

■ 8. , Just Testing , Them.—Electrician (from top of building from which four wires dangle): Tom, catch hold of two of those wires. Tom: All right. “Feel anything?” “No.”

“Well, it must be the other two. Don’t touch them—there’s 2000 volts in them.”

Real Meanness.—“My teacher’s awftd mean.” “Hush, my son. You mustn’t say that.”

“Well, she is. She asked for my knife to sharpen my pencil to give me a bad mark.”

Letter Of Apology.—The small bpy had been naughty and was sent to his room as a punishment. He was so quiet that his parents, went to see what he was doing and found him writing a letter. “Is that a letter of apology?” they “If y.oti want to know,” he replied. “I’m writing to the Archbishop of Canterbury to get a divorce from both of you!"

Hooting All The Time.—The road hog known for his determination never to be overtaken was going at great speed one day when he heard an insistent “honking” behind him. Turning, he saw just on his hind wheels, a baby car driven by a wildlooking individual. Back he turned to his wheel, down went the accelerator pedal, and up rushed the speed indicator. Seventy—SOmiles an hour- was touched, but the hooting grew wilder than ever.

Atlast, worn out, the speed maniac slowed down and drew to the side of the road. “Come on, then, if you must pass,” he cried. “I’m sorry,” said the driver of the baby car, “but I’m hooked on.”

Of Course He Knew!—;A, tiger had escaped from the. circus. With ropes, iron bars, and guns,, they sought him all over the place. As they, ran down a. typical suburban. road of pretty red-brick houses . with' neatly-kept gardens, they met a little man evidently on the way home from his office. . “Tiger escaped!” they shouted to him. “Can’t find jt! Searched everywhere!” ' • . “Eh!” said the small man. “Come this way.” He led the searchers to a well-kept villa. “This way,”'•he said, as he opened the door leading to the back garden and walked straight out on ■ter .the Tawri. ) “There it is,” he said. “I knew it would be lying, on one of my plants!”

Both of Them.— “ Are you going to the party?” “No, I’ll be out of town that week- • end.” “I wasn’t invited, either.” ■..# <3f Choice of Two Evils—-Taxi-driver: Say, mister, the brakes wonit take; I can’t stop the car! Passenger (anxiously): For heaven’s sake stop the meter, anyway. ' ■ > ■sfr •jfr. * Instructions.—Traffic notice on a Kent road: , “Fork right for Ham.” After readifig this, decent motorists surely will; never think of eating it' with their knives. « * * Experienced—The maid was cleaning the stairs the morning following a wedding reception, and picked up a spoon. “Some guest must have had a hole in his pocket,” she observed. ; - ■ ■ - > * * «• Beautiful Music.— “l admired that last piece you played,” said Mrs Gaswell. “It. had a sort of wild freedom about it, you know—a sort of get up and go that just suited me. Was it a composition of your own?” “Madam,” responded the eminent musician, “I ,was putting a new E string, on my violin.” * «• * “Far, Far Away!”—“There is a happy land, far, far away,” echoed through the schoolroom, as-the children gave an exhibition . of , their vocal powers. “Very good!” remarked 'the teacher, when they hadfinished. “Now, can any boy tell me where the happy land is?” This was a puzzler, and one that none-of the children seemed eager to .answer. At last one small hand shot up. “Now, children, listen to what this clever little boy has to say,” said the teacher. “Well, laddie, and where is the happy land?” “Please, teacher, far, far away.” * * * ■ Rather' “Fishy.”—The vicar of a country church asked his clerk to. give ’ out the following announcement: : v ■■ ■ “Next Sunday there will be no afternoon service, as-the vicar is going to. officiate for another parson.” Being rather deaf, the clerk misconstrued the message. Imagine the vicar’s consternation when he heard the following announcement made: “Next Sunday there will be no afternoon service, as the passon is a-going a-fishing, with another passon.” . * ’■ * .» Only Two—Wife:. I wonder what* will" be the popular style in hats this winter? Husband: My dear, women’s hats will be divided into two styles, as usual—the style you don’t like, and the style I can’t afford.

A Pencil ■ Mystery. Teacher: Where’s your pencil, Alf? Alf: Ain’t got one, teacher.

Teacher: How many times have 1 told you not to say that? Listen: “I haven’t got one, you haven’t got one, we haven’t got one, they haven’t got one—”

Alf: Well, where have all the blinkin’ pencils got to, then?

Finite—A doctor says it is impossible to keep a slim figure indefinitely. There is a, destiny that ends our shapes.

Something For The Band—A bandsman called on a house-agent and said: Will you give something to the band? •

House-Agent: I’ve not heard you play. Bandsman: Well, we played outside a, house last night and then found it. was empty, and a notice said, “Apply to the agents.”

Pestered. —Lighthouse Keeper’s Wife: Look here, I’m fed lip answering the door. You’re the third caller in months..

At The Wrong Counter.—Scene; A bank. Enter, Unsteadily, a man who has been celebrating something too early and too merrily. “Pint of bitter,” he shouts.

Clerk, icily: Sir, this is a bank—not a public-house. Exit man, unsteadily. Two minutes • later, re-enter man (still unsteady): Pint of—ph, sorry, another darned bank.

Quite All Right.—Bloggs took' the ticket the booking-clerk gave him, picked up his change and walked away.

A few minutes later he was back again at the booking-office. “I say,” he said to the clerk, “you gave me the wrong change, just now.” “Sorry,. sir,” said the. clerk, with a shrug of. his shoulders, “it cannot be rectified now. You should have called my attention to it when you bought your ticket.” : , • “Well, that’s all right, then” said Bloggs, with a faint smile.. “I’m not worrying. You gave me-10/- too much.” • '

Long And The Short.—A tall girl named Short long loved a certain big Mr Little, who, little thinking : of Short, long loved a lass named Long. To make a long story short, Little proposed to Long, and Short longed to be even with Little’s shortcomings. So Short, meeting Long threatened to marry Little, shortly and before Long, which caused Little to marry Long! . The auery is: Did tall Short love big Little less because Little greatly loved. short Long?