THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21706, 28 April 1934, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Vaunting.—“Ah! Robins, how are you? I saw you at our performance the other night. How did you like my assumption of Hamlet?” “Capital, my dear fellow. Greatest piece of assumption I ever saw in my life.” * * * * Both Ways.—“ Mummy, do you say ‘lt is me’ or ‘lt is I’ ?” “Always remember the rhyme: ‘lt is I,’ said the spider to the fly.” “But couldn’t you say, ‘lt is me,’ said the spider to the flea?” * ■» * No Difference.—English traveller (who has misssed his connection): Which is the best hotel in this town? Porter: There are some that prefers the Swivel Hotel, and there are some that prefers the Hightone, but whichever of the two you go to you’ll lie awake all night wishing you’d gone to the other. *.* ■ * Simplified.—Mickey was an apprentice in a shipyard, and the first morning the foreman put a two-foot rule into his hand and told him to go and measure a large steel plate. He returned in 20 minutes. ‘ “Well, Micky,” said the foreman, “what is the size of the plate?” A satisfied grin stole over Mickey’s face. '“lt’s just the length of this rule,” he replied, “and two thumbs over, with this brick, and the breadth of my hand, and my arm from here to there, bar the finger!” ** i * No Courage.—“l’ve never had the courage to get married.” “Haven’t, eh? What’s your business?” “Oh, I’m only a lion tamer.” ■X* The Only Way.—Wife (interrupting impatiently); I do wish you would drop that stupid habit of talking out of the corner of your mouth!” Husband: Sorry, dear—it must be the result of trying to get a word in edgeways. • •» * * Included.—Dumbell (at police station): Has anybody brought in a bottle of brandy I left in the ’bus? Sergeant: No; but a constable has just, brought in the man who found it. < ** . * Natural. —Mr: What in the world has our daughter'been doing *in her room for the last hour? Mrs: Combing her hair so it will look as though . a comb never touched it. * * * Not Left Hanging.—lt was their first aeroplane ride, and the young woman of the party was nervous. “You will bring me back safely, won’t you?” she said to the pilot. “Of course I will, Miss,” he assured her, touching his leather helmet. “I never left anybody up there yet.”

Changed:—Host: Well, shall we join the ladies? Guest; I’d. rather not. Cigarette smoke always makes me feel so sick! «• * * Soon. —“My husband plays cards nearly every night,” said Mrs Jones to her neighbour. “I think it’s a terrible habit.” “Why don’t ypu make him give it up?” suggested the neighbour. Mrs Jones smiled brightly. “I shall, as soon as his run of luck ends,” she replied. » * * Out Of His Slumber. —Magistrate: My man, you may find yourself in great trouble, even charged with perjury, if you are not careful. You have said, on oath, that you have only one brother, and now we have your sister stating on oath that she has two. Be careful, young man—be careful. * * * In Time.— VPatience and perseverance will accomplish all things,” said a passenger in a railway compartment. “Nonsense, sir,” said a fellow passenger. “Will patience and perseverance enable you to carry water in a sieve?” “Certainly!” “I would like to know how?” “Simply by waiting patiently for the water to freeze.” * * * Wasted.—Teacher (warning the pupils against catching cold): I had a little brother seven years old, and one day he took his new sledge out in the snow'. He caught pneumonia, and three days later he died. Silence for 10 seconds. Voice from the rear: Where’s his sledge? * * * The Reason.—“ You know, I am very found of birds. Yesterday, one actually settled on my head.” “It must have been a woodpecker!” * * » First Hand.—“ There are an awful lot of girls who don’t want to get married.” “How do you know?” “I’ve asked them.” «• * * The Detective. —Foreman: None of you men leave here until you have been searched. Men: Why? “There is a barrow missing.” * * * And That Was Too Much.— “Mother sent me,” said a little girl to a neighbour, “to ask you to come and take tea with her to-day.” “Did she r say at what time, my dear?” “No. She only said she would ask you, and then the thing would be off hex; mind. That was all she said!”

Not Returned.—“My rose!” he whispered tenderly, as he pressed her velvet cheek to his. “My cactus!” she said, as she dodged his whiskers. * * * Divided. —“I found a 2/- piece in the park yesterday.” “It must be mine. I dropped one there yesterday.” “Oh, but this was two shillings.” “Yes, I expect it broke as it fell from my pocket.” * » * Good Experience;—“Now I want Albert to have a thoroughly: modern and up-to-date education,” said his mother, “including Latin.” “Yes, of course,” said the head master, , “though Latin is, as you know, a dead language.” “Well, all the better. going to be an undertaker.” » * * Curative.—Mrs Greene: Now tell me, truly, do you believe it is any benefit to punish children? Mrs Berch;. Certainly. You can’t imagine how much better I feel., after I’ve given Tom and Mabel a good trouncing. * •* * Caution.—A tramcar was crowded, and an old man with a kindly twinkle in his eye took five-year-old Tommy on his lap: “This will be better than standing, won’t it, my boy?” “Yes,” said Tommy, who had enjoyed lurching about the car. • “But you want to be careful’ I don’t pick your pocket,” the old man said genially. “Yer can’t,” Tommy retorted, in a muffled tone. “As soon as I saw you lookin’ at me I put me penny in me mouth.” ' * * * ' A New Way.—A man who was suffering from acute indigestion was told by his doctor that if he laughed 3 5 minutes before each meal his pains would vanish. . One ’ day in a restaurant, and prior to ordering his meal, he commenced to laugh. Another customer, seated at an adjacent table, got up and walked over to the laughing one. “What in the world are you laughing at?” he asked. “I am laughing for my liver,” was. the reply. “H’m,” said the other, rather puzzled. “I suppose. I had better laugh, too. I ordered mine 20 minutes ago.” * Appropriate.—Betty’s grandfather had died, and everything in the house, was very quiet. A feeling of depression crept over her, which’she sought to relieve by. playing softly bn the piano, “Hush, dear!” said her mother, “you mustn’t do that. , We’re in mourning, you know.” After a few moments of silence, Betty said: “Can’t I play ,om the black notes, Miimmie?”

An Old Custom.—Susie: Papa, what makes a man always give a woman ,an - engagement ring? Her Father; The woman. * * * . Potent;—A peasant bought a barometer,, and a fortnight later the instrument maker from whom he bought it passed the door. Instrument Maker; Well, are you satisfied with the barometer? Peasant; Rather! I have had it a fortnight, and we have had fine weather all the time. Despaired Of. —Bing: Yes: that’s old Spriggins. Half a dozen doctors have given him up at various times during his life. Wing: What was the matter with i him? Bing: He wouldn’t pay his bills. * * * Hard-Hearted. Jones: Is her father the kind of man who would pursue you if you eloped? . ■ Brown: No; he’s the kind of man who would move so that you couldn’t find him when you came back. ■. * * * . , Expensive.—Miss .Dashler: I have a secret'for you, my dear. Young Wrigglesby called ‘me his dearest love last evening. Miss Biting; Yes? Well, I knew it wouldn’t be your fault if you didn’t cost him more than any of his others! • ■ * ■ * ■ * Disguised.—A district officer in India, finding his steward unsatisfactory, discharged him. The steward asked for a reference. It was given him as follows: “Tom has been my steward for six months. He says he wants a good berth. Anyone looking for , a good steward should give Tom a wide berth.” * ■* * An, Excellent Quality.—“ Never ask your husband for money,” counselled the old married woman. “I never have to,” retorted the young bride proudly. “Charlie’s such a darling. He sleeps like a baby all night long.” * * * Disapproval. “Good gracious, Mary, whatever do you want to leave for? Surely I do all the work?” “I know yer does, ma’am, but I , don’t like the way yer does it.” ** , * Too Imitative—Mr . Murphy bought a parrot. He was told that it was a great talker, and would repeat anything said in its presence. A fortnight' later he returned with it to the shop. “What’s the matter with it?” asked the dealer. “W-why,” said Mr Murphy, “the s-silly c-c-cre-creature st-st-stut-stutters, IR-ai-Sie.’*.