THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21689, 7 April 1934, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

The Epidemic.—At The Box Office; “How is it, sonny, you aren’t _at school, but want to come to the picture?” “Please, sir, I’ve got measles.” * * * Proof Positive.—“ This is Barcelona!” exclaimed the wireless enthusiast. “Oh, yes,” said his grandmother. “I can hear them cracking nuts.” . * * * Kindly.—“ Would you like to take your boots off?” young Jimmie asked the visitor. on earth for?” the latter asked. “Because dad says you’re too big for your boots.” * * * Pity to Change It.—“ Name and occupation?” demanded the station sergeant. “Sparks—electrician,” said the prisoner, “Charged with assault and battery ... put him in a dry cell, constable.” * * Fluctuation.—Particular Diner (after changing his mind several limes); Yes, waiter,, I’ll have mutton chops and chip potatoes. And make the chops lean. Resigned Waiter: Which way, sir? » * * Bold Until Then.—Two . clubmen were discussing the younger generation—young men especially. “Take these young fellows,” £aid Parker; “look how reluctant they are to mari'y and settle down.” His friend nodded in agreement. “That’s so,” he replied. ‘They seem to fear marriage. Why, before I was married I didn’t know the meaning of fear.” «• •» * Too Much.—“ Name, miss?” demanded the policeman. “Desiree, Stephanie St. John Delagarde—” began the motorist. The policeman closd his notebook. “I’ll give you one more chance, miss,” he said, “but it’s the last, mind!” , Could Afford To.—During a dramatic love scene in the film they were watching the wife nudged her husband and said: “Why is it that you never make love to me like that?” “Say,” he replied, “do you know the salary that guy gets for doing that?” * * * The Difference.—An undertaker, on being introduced to a travel agent, remarked: Oh, you’re in the ssgne business as I am. Travel Agent: Yes, with this difference: I give return tickets, and you don’t. * * * The Sieve.—The barber had cut him, nicked him and gashed him. “Give me a glass of water, please,” gasped the victim. “You aren't going to faint, I hope,” said the barber in alarm. “No,” replied the victim. “I just want to see if my mouth will still hold water.”

The Pattern.—Mummy: Well, darling, did you find any eggs in the hen roost?” Darling;, No, mummy; there was only the one, which the hens use as a pattern. # # Only Twice.—Mummy, a man’s wife is his better half, isn’t she?” “Yes, darling.” “Well, if he marries twice, thats the end of him, isn’t it?” The Better Way.—“l see you have two wireless sets. Your husband must be very enthusiastic.” “Yes, it’s his enthusiasm that is the trouble. We have been forced to have the two sets—one for the family to listen-in with, so that he may have the other to tinker with.’.' vf ■Jf Just Hinting.—“l say, bad, can I have a new pair of school trousers? These are too short. One of our fellows dropped me a gentle hint about them to-day.” ‘ Lid he? What did he say?’ “He said, T say, Thomoscn, your trousers are too short’!” *v «• » ( Still Green.—Jill, who lias a canary in-her nursery at home, went out to tea with her mother. In the room was a cage containing a pair of bright green little birds. Jill kept on look-' ing at them, and presently asked;— “Mummie, what’s the matter with those canaries? Aren’t they ripe?” * * * It Didn’t Matter.—A woman went to buy a drinking trough for her dog, and the shopkeeper asked her if she would like one that bore the inscription, “For the Dog.” “I don’t mind at all,” she replied. ' “My husband never drinks water, and the dog can’t read.” - * -» * Unreasonable. —Employer: My wife tells me, Jane, that after nine last;night you had a policeman in here to supper, and that he ate the cold mutton. Jane: Well, sir, you can’t expect me to start cooking hot meals for any policeman at that time of night. * * * A Bad Shot.—Two Scotsmen had ventured into the wilds, and what they lacked in experience they made up for in zeal. On their first might in the jungle the dismal howling of a wolf disturbed their rest. Presently Macphersdn rose to his feet, seized his rifle and said: “Ah’ll bet ye an ounce o’ tobacco I kill that darned wolf!” „ , ' He went out into the darkness. Three hours later he returned, dragging a dead wolf. MacTavish grudgingly parted with an ounce of tobacco, and they settled down again. Just before dawn another howl rent the air and MacTavish nudged his companion. “Give me that tobacco back, he demanded. “Ye’ve killed the wrang one!”

Nautical.—Jack: I hear that the captain has had hard luck. His wife has run away from him. Bill; Yes, he took her for a mate, but she proved a skipper. #•* . * Impossible.—“Do you believe that people follow the. same occupation in the next world that they do on 63rth? w “My mother-in-law won’t. She makes ice-cream.” .* * * Excessively Cold.—Mrs Jay: “Was your husband cool when the burglar broke in the other night?” Mrs Bee; “Cool? Why, he was so cold that he shivered all over.” * * * Not Necessary.—“ Maud went to an astrologer to find out when, was the best time to marry.” “What did he tell her?” “He took one look at her and told her to grab the first chance.” * * * Clever.—lnspector (to small boy); Now, what are raised in damp climates? Small Boy (promptly): Umbrellas, sir. * * » '■. Not Advanced.—“ Can that elephant do tricks?” the elegantly-dressed young man asked the keeper at the circus. “Rather,” said the keeper. “We’ve taught him. to put money in that box up there. Give him half-a-crown and he’ll do it.” The elephant took the coin and deftly placed it in the box up on the wall. “Remarkable!” cried the young man. “Now let’s see him take it out again.” “We’haven’t taught him that yet,” blandly replied the keeper. * * * The Ruse.—The captain of the tramp steamer and his mate went to the bar and ordered two pints of beer. ■ “Well, here’s health, skipper,” said the mate. He picked up his tankard, but before he held it to his mouth he firmly closed his eyes. The skipper looked on in astonish-, ment “Here,” he said, “why do you close your eyes when you drink?” “The doctor told me I mustn’t look at anything stronger than water,” replied the mate. * * * Realisation.—They met again for the first time since their school days. “Well, well,” said :Brown,* . “and how are you finding things? Have any of your fond childhood ambitions been realised?” Jones grinned. “Yes, one,” he replied. “You remember how I always Wanted to wear long trousers?” Brown nodded. “Well,” continued Jones,. “I believe I now wear them longer than anyone else.”

Easy Money.—Mrs Crawford: Haven’t you ever discovered a way to get money out of your husband? Mrs Crabshaw: Oh, yes. All I have to do is to threaten to go back to motherl and without a word he hands me the railway fare. *** ■ ■ Too Conscientious. —Foreman: Do you know, Mac, that Hopkins car-! ries twice as much as you at a time?' Mac: I canna’ help it, I’ve told him about it, but he will do it. Generating.—Professor: Which is the strongest water power known to man? \ Student: Women’s tears. , * * # Safer.—“So you call your canary Joe. Does that stand for Joseph or Josephine? “We don’t know. That’s why we call it Joe.” No Trouble.—“She’s, just buried her fourth husband, hasn’t she?” “Divorced, my dear, not buried. She never makes any bones about these things.” * * * The Stamp of Truth.—Two men in a car went past the automatic signals and were stopped by a con“l’m sarry,” said the driver, quickwittedly, ‘.‘but I happen to be a; doctor and I am taking a patient to the asylum in a hurry.” The officer was suspicious, and looked penetratingly at the passenger. But the latter was also quick-witted, and, looking up at the constable with a seraphic smile, whispered: “Kiss me, sergeant!” .They "got away with it. * * * Repercussions.—The clerks were gossiping. “Did I tell, you chaps that I was leaving?” drawled the languid swell of the staff, whose incompetence was as palpable as his splendour. “Heard you’d got the sack,”, replied the cashier. “I answered an advertisement yesterday for a first-class job,” resumed the over-dressed one . “I’ve pitched rather a strong yarn, but you’ve got to these days.” ■ : Just then the senior partner-called him to his room. The following dialogue was heard:— “Have you been in our service 10 years?” “No, sir; only 15 months.” ■ “And is your salary £7 10/- a week?” “Er—no, sir—so/-.” “Are you leaving us because of a difference with the firm regarding the, management of our country branches?” Dead silence and a short pause. Then the senior partner: “You should be more careful in your statements. This is a small world. The advertisement you answered was for the situation you are leaving oh Friday.”