THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21630, 27 January 1934, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Cou nterth rust—Startled Pedestrian: 'Ang you, why don’t you sound your ’orn? ' Motorist: Why don’t you sound your aiches? The Undergraduate.— 'T suppose you play golf?” “No,” replied the amateur, “I can’t say that I play. But lam still working at it.” * * * A False Start. —A man was passing a public-house when a figure hurtled out of the door and landed in the gutter. A small fellow picked himself up and said angrily to the passer-by : “They think they can get away with that! I’ll throw every one of them out! You stay here and count.” i’ In went the little man. A moment later a body landed in the gutter. “One,” counted the passer-by. “No, it’s me again,” said the little man. * * * The Climax. —Three travellers returned to their skyscraper hotel and discovered that the lift that should take them to their room on the 30th floor had ceased working for the night. “I’ve got an idea,” said one. “Well walk up, but to break the monotony and make the climb pass quickly, we’ll tell each other stories.” They started walking, and the first man told his stories until they reached the 10th floor. When the 20th floor was reached the second man came to the end of his stories. “Now it’s your turn,” he said to the third man. . „ “All right,” said the third dismally, 'Til tell you my story—l’ve left the key of the room on the first floor.”

Frightened 'Off— Entering a London bar, an elderly man ordered a whisky and soda, and'.was about to drink it, when he looked up and noticed a painter at work upon the walls. Immediately the customer went out without touching his drink. The painter climbed down his, ladder and lifted the customer’s glass. . “Hi,” said the barman, "you can’t do that. That chap will be back in a minute, I expect.” “Oh,' no, ’e won’t” said the painter. “You see, he’s the president of our local temperance society. ... and I’m the secretary.” V, '

Anti - climatical.—" Dearest Annabelle,” wrote Oswald, who was hopelessly in love, “I would swim the mighty ocean for one glance from your dear eyes. I would walk through a wall of flames for one touch of your little hands. ' . “I would leap the widest stream in the world for a word from-your lovely lips.-rAs always, yours Oswald. “P.S.—l’ll be oyer bn Saturday nigh! if it doesn’t rain.” *'* ■ » . Preparation.—The, mistress of the house had engaged a new cook and was explaining her duties. "The master often brings three or four , friends home to dinner without warning,” she; said. 1 “I see, ma’am,” put In the cook. “You’ll be prepared for that, won’t you?” said the mistress. “Rather,” replied the cook. “11l keep my bag packed ready.”

Thanking Heaven.—The bachelors of a certain town were seared by the ddvent of a fearsome type of the desperate husband-hunting spinster. After throwing evory bne of the local bachelors into spasms of , terror lest he should be' the recipient of her attentions, she managed to capture the curate. - ' Local bachelordom was so relieved at its escape that it united in presenting the curate with a wedding present in the shape of a costly dinner service. . . The curate was overwhelmed. Sucn a magnificent service!” he gasped. “Well, you see, my boy,” explained the chief of the local bachelors, “it’s really a thanksgiving service.” •- . * - A Tactical Error. I —An Irishman was undergoing an examination in court as a witness against a man charged with throwing a stone through a plate-glass window. “Was the stone as large as my fist?" asked the judge. , ’ ' "Sure, yer Honour, it was larger, replied the Irishman. o “Was it as large as my head? said the judge. “Sure, it was as long, but not so thick.” replied Pat. * * Happiness Guaranteed.—He had asked her. She had accepted him. All was settled, and they were just talking matters over. He decided, and she agreed, that it would be best for both If they were forbearing and long-sur-ferine and patient witli each other. “I shall not be like the husbands who get cross if the dinner is cold, he told her. . „ “And, darling, if you did, Id make it-hot for you,” said the gh'l. * * *

Not What He Thought.— Jones bought p, new shirt of a somewhat quaint pattern. On a slip pinned to the inside he found the name and ad dress of a girl, with the words. Please write and sent photograph. M “Ah,” said Jones, “here’s' romance. He wrote to the girl and sent her a picture of himself. In due course an answer came, and with heart a-flutter Jones opened it. It was only a note. “I was Just cur oas to see” it read, “what sort of fellow would wear such a funny shut,

His Own . Master. —Householder: Why don’t you get a job and go to work for somebody? Tramp; I prefer being in business fer meself! * * * ~ The Laughter-maker.- —Comedian:. The last time I appeared in revue the people could be heard roaring with laughter a mile away. Producer: Really! What was on there? « * * The Ruse.—Donovan • got a job to dig a well. When:he had got down 25ft he arrived one morning to find the hole had caved in. When he recovered from his dismay, he had a brain-wave. -The cunning fellow hung his coat and hat on the windlass and crawled into the bushes to wait. Passers-by, discovering the well caved in, and seeing the coat, concluded that a man was at the bottom. Help was obtained and frantic toilers soon cleared the well again. *. * * Expressive. “Did you see the mother’s face when I said she ,looked as young as her daughter?” i . “No, I was watching the daughter’s face.” f * * * A Long Job. —The office boy removed his cap, presented the hill, and stood at ease. “My chief says I’m not to go back until you give me the money you owe him,” he said. “Oh,” replied the debtor. “I wonder if he’ll recognise you with a ibeard?” »* » . Unkind.—He: I. was a fool when I married you. She: I suppose you were, but I was so infatuated at the time I, didn't notice it. * * * Hedging.—A miner, owner'of several whippets, matched, one of his animals , against another dog in the district for a £2O wager. The day before the race everyone was surprised to hear that one of the competitors had accepted a £5 note from the other and allowed the match to be declared off. “Ye are the biggest fool under the sun,” exclaimed a supporter to the recipient of the note. “The other dog’s so lame that it can’t run fast enough to beat a dust cart.” “That’s all right,” said the owner; "my dog'died suddenly last night.”

What Next?—Timid wife. (to husband who ;has fallen asleep at the wheel): “I don’t mean to dictate to you, George, but isn’t that telegraph pole coming at us awfully fast?” **. * - Not a Chance.—Unpopular Doctor: “Ah, I’ve caught you under the mistletoe.” Girl: “No, doctor, there’s only one thing you’ll ever have a chance of kissing me under.” “And what’s that?!’ “An anaesthetic.” Two of a Kind. —Irate Father: “You impudent puppy! You want to marry my daughter! And tell me, do you think you could give her what she’s been used to?” Suitor: “Er—yes, I think so, sir. Ive d very violent temper myself.” ThoughtfuT.— He was about to leave for the office. His wife handed him a small parcel. “What’s this, dear?” he asked. , “It’s a bottle of hair tonic,” she replied. “Oh, that’s very nice of you. dear, he said, “but- — Tt isn’t for you; it’s , for your typist,” she explained. “Her hair is coming out badly on your coat.” , • * * * _ A Hard Life. —Father was figuring .how much the Christmas presents he had bought for all and sundry had cost him, and whar effect the expenditure bad had on his bank balance. “Dad,” one asked him, “what Is your birthstone ?” “The grindstone,” he replied. “And my nose has been to It all my life.” * * * Too Fancy for Freedom. —Two old settlers, confirmed bachelors, sat In the backwoods. The conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got one o’ them there cookery books once, but I neVer fcould do nothing with it,” said one. ■■ t , “Too much fancy work in it?” asked the other. - . “You’ve hit it. Every one of them recipes began in the same way: ‘Take a clean dish— -’ and that settled me.” Pity the Client.—The two lawyers met in their club after a hard day’s pleading in the courts. ■ “Everything is clear to me,” ■ said one, boastfully. “Why, when I'‘finish my plea for the prisoner to-morrow, there won’t ire a dry eye in the court.” T quite agree,” said the other coolly enough. “They will probably all realise that your unfortunate client hasn’t a dog’s chance of getting off.” *** . 1 A Stranger Within.—A man very popular in his circle had dined out six nights in succession. On the seventh night he turned up at home for the evening meal. When he was sealed his wife rose and addressed the other occupants of the table; “Children, we have with us to-night a guest of whom you have all heard, even if you do not know him personally. He is a man who has a reputation for conviviality and cheer in every club and restaurant in the city, and this evening we are to have the honour and pleasure of being numbered among the admirers of his ,hrih Han't and entertaining dualities. It is | with the greatest nUasuve that I present to you—your father!”