THE REVIVAL OF EARCRAFT

Evening Star, Issue 21138, 25 June 1932, Page 21

THE REVIVAL OF EARCRAFT

[By J.D.F., in the 1 Spectator.’] In an age which has been accused, like most others, of degradation, we can at least point with some legitimate pride to the vast amount of effort now directed towards physical development. Our remote ancestors undoubtedly had the advantage over us in their enjoyment of rude health and perfect functioning of all the faculties, but we are toiling manfully—and womanfully—to recapture our lost heritage. And yet, in all this welter of enthusiasm there has been no word of the Ear. 1 need not labour the point that, since we all possess the muscles for moving the car, the problem of using them will have to be tackled sooner or later in the quest for bodily perfection. For the same reason 1 can omit any pseudo-scientific hypothesis as to the precise epoch in pro-history when mankind twirled an expressive ear. In any event, cases are on record of people who could move the whole car backwards or forwards, while a certain royal personage of the past (whose name escapes mo for the moment, but will bo found by a diligent search of works of reference) used to amuse the ladies of her entourage by moving her ears when pauses in conversation, which was not her strong suit, had become painful—an example which sufficiently guarantees, before wo go any further, that oar motion has nothing bourgeois or low about it. But these sporadic survivals can naturally give little idea of the possibilities latent in a general revival of earcraft. It will Widen the Scope of Things (as 1 shall show later), and anything that does that wo simply must have. And now that publicity is assured wo may confidently expect developments. The next step will be to form a committee, which will beget a society (the Otomobilo Association, let ns call it provisionally), whose first tusk will ho io draw up a scheme of car culture, including exercises, massage, the application of the principles of curythmics. ami the use of concentrated will-power to produce an otomotor complex. The

exercises will have the advantage that wo can do them in bod or when fully clothed, or indeed at any odd moment, although the moment selected should not, of course, ho too odd, or the enthusiast may find himself arrested for causing an obstruction in the street, or roughly ejected from the theatre or church. There is also the biting ridicule of the small boy to bo lived down. But wo shall soon emerge from this period of transition masters of our cars, which we shall move not in mere aim- ' less gyration or for vain display, but with purpose and significance. The public speaker will know that t Ills audience is ‘‘ all ears ” by the way in which they crane them forward so as not to lose a word, and ho will ( emphasise his own remarks by appro--1 priato ear gestures. The effect of our being able to fold over and practically to close the. oar will, of itself, entirely ! justify the whole revival,, for it will ; I do no less than solve the problem of ! noise; so production will increase, trade I will boom, and authors will lie able to got on with their writing. The same , folding movement will plainly tell the ! club or train boro that wo decline to 1 lot- him interrupt our reading, and it ! will have a practical use on cold winter nights. In summer, an car-llick will surprise the impertinent Jly. Our emotions, pleasant or unpleasant, will each have their significant ear movements. Tim possibilities ol convoying ridicule, for instance, will he extended, ami we can safely anticipate that Mr Speaker will ho called on to decide whether it is in order for an honourable member to make derisive motions with his (or, possibly, lien cars. And, if anything could bo more decorous than the parliamentary "Hear, hear,” it would he the massed waving of approving ears—a form of well-mannered applause which should also have its appeal at high-brow concerts, where it will not interrupt the masterpieces. When wo are driving, we shall carsignal to onr passengers behind and, ■ when under the gag, to tho dentist. ; Best of all, onr four-looted friends will j rejoice that humans are at last waking ! iqi to the possibilities of communication by car language, j Literature, again, will enlarge its scope: there will be fresh sonnets to a mi,stress’s car (which the coiffure of the future will always reveal), new forms lof signalling by crooks in detective

stories, and, incidentally, our common sense will no longer bo revolted by reading Midi absurdities as “ Antony Parr-Jioylo pricked ins oars,” when we know very well that the follow couldn’t movu them a millimetre. Instead, wo shall read something like this: “Antony Parr-itoylc pricked his cars briskly; then, as ho sank back in his armchair, the pallid girl with limp, dejected oars realised that he was puzzled and reflective, for his ears assumed a measured rotatory motion. i!n!. soon she saw (her oars fluttering with excitement) that ho had solved 'his problem; the slow, ominous flapping of his cars boded ill for their dastardly foes. Leaping to his feet, with ears rigid and resolute, he grasped his automatic . . .” And so on.

However, it is on the lighter side «l things that the revival of earcraft will ho most felt. The glad ear will relieve the overworked eye and the “ ars amandi ’’ will he enriched by a brochure, in the Victorian manner, on the Language of Ears tor Lovers. The Jiensonian funny face will become more expressively funny than ever, and ears shall reinforce eyebrows in getting , Rebeian subtleties over the footlights. It is hard to say, and harder still to do anything both new and Innm I There exists, they say, in America <• [card index which records everythn which has been known to draw a lam from a cinema audience; it is diflici to add anything new to it. Porhr ] can claim no more impressive rose when the static ear lias become ccsta when the mobile ear is a trophy and ) longer an atrophy than the addition < a completely new section to the catn logno of things that have made tin world laugh.