THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 21090, 30 April 1932, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

The Cat Out—Hostess (to impress her guests, when her son enters and throws his cap on the table): Now, Georgie, what did I buy that hat stand for? Georgie: You know, all right, Mum. You know yer got it fer 10 bob at Mrs Brown’s clearing sale. * * * Enduring Passion.—“ Why did you flirt with me?” demanded the disappointed young man bitterly. “Why did you let me take you motoring every day? Why did you let me take you to theatres and pictures every night? Why did you encourage me when you were already engaged?” The girl hung her head demurely and replied: “I wanted to test my love for Philip.” * » * Part Ownership.—The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty girl, received information that led him to question her: “Is it true that since you came up here you’ve got engaged to Billy, Ed., George, and Harry, as well as me?”

The young lady assumed an air of disdain. “What is that to you?” she demanded. “Just this,” he replied gently. “If it’s so, and you have no objection, we fellows will all chip in together to buy an engagement ring.”

His Share.—Young Goldroks was showing his friend around his new and luxurious home. “It’s beautiful! Most extraordinary,” exclaimed his friend in amazement. “It’s my wife’s idea, you know,” Goldroks hastened to explain. “Oh,” said his friend, “but surely you’ve had a voice in the matter?” “Yes,” answered Goldroks, “I’ve—er —had the invoice.” * * * No Satisfaction.—The customer was obviously annoyed, so the waitress approached him to see what was worrying him. “Is there something wrong, sir?” she asked. “Wrong!” snapped the customer angrily. “Look! There’s a fly in the bottom of this plate. What’s the meaning of It?” : “Sorry, sir,” returned the girl, “I’m a waitress, not a fortune teller.”

Keep It Dark.—An old ploughman and his wife were celebrating their golden wedding. A reporter from the local newspaper called on them to offer his congratulations and to obtain a story.

“I understand, Mr Skinner,” said the reporter, “that you have brought up 15 children on 16/6 a week.” The old man nudged him hurriedly. “Ssh! Not so loud," he whispered. "I’ve always told Martha that I only got 16/3.”

One Supporter.—The servant was applying for a situation at a lady’s house. The lady came to the door, also her little boy, “What made you leave your other place?’’ asked the lady. The servant replied: “I was sacked.” “Why was that?” asked the lady. “Because I refused to bath the children every morning,” said the servant. Then the little boy shouted: “Oh, please, mummy, engage her at once.” * * * Badly Put.—Brown secretly wor shipped the pretty typist who worked in the same office with him. The young clerk, however, possessed little manly beauty, and was very shy and retiring. When Christmas came along he decided to give her a present. Taking his courage in both hands, he went up to the typist’s desk. “Mary—l mean, e-e-er. Miss White,” he stammered awkwardly, “how would you like a little puppy?” “Mr Brown,” she said, with a reproachful stare, “I do hope you’re not proposing to me.” «- * » Thoughtless.—lt was the dance interval. Greta was sitting out with smoothhaired George. “Do you know,” she said, by way of making conversation, "when a man who bores me terribly asks me where I live I always say in the country.” George laughed. “How' frightfully clever of you,” he praised. “And where do you really live?” Greta yawned. “In the country,” she replied ab-sent-mindedly. i

Bathos.—“l crept out in the dead of night and shot a tiger in my pyjamas.” “Gracious, how did it get into your pyjamas?" # * Legal Expenses.—“ But you are taking four-fifths of my damages!” “Quite. I furnished the skill, the eloquence, and legal learning for your case.” “But I —furnished —the case.” “Any fool can get run down.” A Permanent Cure.—The club bore had a sore throat, so he was more irritating than usual this day. Then, very sympathetically, he was handed a packet marked “for the throat.” Before going to bed that night he opened f it. Inside was an old razor! * * * Euphemistic.—A well-known clergyman who was a keen golf player was frequently heard calling out “Assouan, Assouan, Assouan.” When asked why he did so, he replied, “Because it’s one of the biggest dams in the world.”

* * * Two or Three Rats.—Brown (after a very hectic night): I’ve just ’phoned to the boss's private address to say I’m not well and won’t be able to get to the office to-day. I wonder if the old boy will smell a rat? Fellow lodger: Well, I shouldn’t wonder: to-day’s Sunday.

Diffident. —Down in Texas the short cotton crop forced a large number of country negroes to the cities. One of them applied for a job at the office of an employment agency. “There’s a job in the Eagle Laundry," said the man behind the desk, “Want it?"

The applicant shifted uneasily from one foot to the other. “Tell you how it is, boss,” he said, finally. “I sure does w T ant a job mighty bad, but de fack is I ain’t never washed a eagle.” * « * Not Committing Himself. —He was rather a pathetic figure. He had the soul of a real knut, but was afflicted with one of those faces the appearmice and colour of which clash with all but the most subdued fashions and shades. His hair, too, was of, that violent red that overwhelms the brightest specimens of neckwear. One afternoon he called at the house of a girl friend, and while waiting for her to appear was entertained in the drawing-room by her eight-year-old brother. “Well," said our hero, smiling, “and what do you think of me, Horace?” . Horace scrutinised the young man carefully, but maintained a discreet silence. ’ “Aren’t you going to say?" “No,” answered Horace stouHy. “D’you think I want a hiding?"

Qualified,—A school Inspector asked the class the question: “What is » statesman?” After a little hesitation one of the boys stood up and answered: “One who makes speeches.” “Not bad,” said the inspector, smiling encouragingly at the youngster, “but not quite right. For instance, I make speeches, but I am not a statesman.” After a moment’s hesitation the boy tried again: “One who makes good speeches." **. * ' Momentary Equilibrium.—Bristow was showing his neighbour over . his house. “There’s my equestrian portrait," he said, pointing to a picture on the wall. The neighbour gazed critically at it. “A very fine snapshot indeed,” he replied. “But what makes you think it is a fine snapshot?” asked Bristow. “Well, you’re still on the horse,” came the reply. *'* * „ Forgot the Rule.—“ Grammar," observed Cassidy to his friend Casey, “is a most confusing thing. I never can remember whether to say Tt Is I’ or ‘lt is me.’ ’’

“I can give you a good rule on that,” returned his friend. “Just say over to yourself this rhyme: Tt is I,’ said the spider to the fly, and there you are.”

A few days later the friend met Cassidy and asked whether the rule had been any help. “Sure, it would have, but for wan thing,” replied Cassidy. “I couldn’t tor me loife’s sake remember if your '•hyme w r ns, Tt is I,’ saH the spider to the fly, or Tt is me,’ said the spider to the flea.”