CHRISTMAS CHUCKLES

Evening Star, Issue 20982, 22 December 1931, Page 4

CHRISTMAS CHUCKLES

Millionaire: “Tell me, my girl, that young man who wants to marry you this Christmas, has he any money?’’ Miss Innocence: “Money, father? Why, he has just given me a cluster diamond ring studded with pearls.” Millionaire: “Yes, I know, but has he any money left?”

It was young Mrs Robinson’s "first Christmas party, and she was suffering all the usual terrors of the inexperienced hostess . The cook rose to iha occasion splendidly, and, so far as '.'re dinner was Concerned, Mrs Robinson was delighted. , The only fly in the ointment was Jane, the "new parlourmaid. She was slow, clumsy, and her waiting was had. In addition to these faults, she insisted on keeping her mouth wide open. This so got on Mrs Robinson’s nerves that at last she exclaimed: “ Jane, your mouth is wide open!” Jane withdrew her gaze from tho ceiling, and said, looking down with a cheery smile: “I know it is, ma’am; I opened it myself!” * * ♦ * At 1 o’clock on Boxing Day morning Jones staggered home. “Where have you been?” queried his wife. “ Shupper with the Brownshe,” replied Jones, sleepily “Storyteller!” remonstrated Mrs Jones, or words to that effect. “ Why, Mrs Brown and her husband have been with me alt the evening!” “Look here, my dear,” answered Jones, defiantly, “as I was coming homo I decided to tell that—hie--story, and that’s the one hie—l’m going to stick to.”

Breathlessly the joke fiend related to his office colleagues how his house had been burnt to the ground oh Christmas Eve, and how he managed to escape. “What happened?” said his colleagues, breathlessly. “I was at the top of the house. I had the goose in one hand and my insurance policy in the other. The stairs had fallen in, and I was cornered. But suddenly a bright thought struck me. D’you know what I djd? T> “ No,” chorused his colleagues. “1 plucked the goose and got ‘down,’ ’’ said the joke fiend. • * * • .After the young thing at the Christmas party had nnished her second encore, the old lady leaned towards her and said; “Thank you so much for your songs, my dear. They took me back to childhood days on my father’s farm. There were times when you sang that I could shut my eyes and fairly hear the old front gate creaking m the wind.” • * * * The Newly-weds had bought a turkey for Christmas Day dinner. _As Newly-wed was an amateur at carving, his wife insisted on his learning how to carve from the cookery book, so that he should not display ignorance before their guests. When the turkey appeared on the table the _ host was plainly at a loss how to begin. “Why don’t you carve it, dear?” asked his wife, anxiously. “You know exactly how to do it.” “Of course I do, love,” said Newlywed, “ but 1 can’t find any of the dotted lines.” » * * She (looking in a shop window on Christmas Eve): “ There’s the wonderful cloak I told you I wanted you to give me for Christmas. But you may find it a little—er—too dear.” He: “ Not at all. The cost is nothing to me ” She: “Oh, how wonder ” He: “Since I don’t intend buying it for you.” « * * *• She was complaining of his stinginess, and mentioned the unsatisfactory quality of the ring he had given her at Christmas. “ You wouldn’t notice these things if you really cared for me,” he told her. “ I always thought love was blind.” “Yes, darling,” she replied, “but not stone-blind.” • * « • “ Oh, Mr Elapperton,” she exclaimed soulfully, “ have you ever felt a dim, uneasy sense of oppression as if tho mere weight of life were a burden too heavy to be borne by the chained spirit panting with psychic longing to be free?” “ 1 invariably have such a feeling at Christmas time,” was the callous response; “ but I have always attributed it to pudding!”-