BY THE WAY

Evening Star, Issue 20688, 10 January 1931, Page 2

BY THE WAY

[By Q.V.]

“'Die time ha* come,” lb* Wall'll* »aid, ‘‘To talk of many things.” lii the earlier days of motoring, when cars began to overrun the land, many trained—and, we fear, a few untrained .—mechanics saw opportunities for bidding for fortune by opening garages. Practically every township had its galvanised iron shed bearing a sign informing whom it might concern that octroi and oil could be supplied and repairs effected while you waited. So far as the repairs were concerned the stock-in-trade varied widely, from a first-class assortment of tools to a span nor and half a pound of wasto, and the priesthood of the craft learned the idioms of their trade very rapidly. Mysterious and taciturn as doctors, thcj r seldom condescended to enlighten the stranded motorist as to the nature of wliab was wrong with his car, though the loss discreet unbent so far as to murmur “ carburetter trouble ” or re for to “ sparking plugs ” or “ distributor points ” with the air of one throwing pearls of wisdom before unclean, but possibly affluent, animals. Taking them all round, however, most of those practitioners were competent enough, and could deal with any ordinary accident of the road. Unfortunately for them there wore too many garages and not enough breakdowns. Competition brought down earnings, not to mention profits, which things are not identical, to a very small needle point. But there is a good time coming. One Miss Doris Zinkeisdn, described as an artist, predicts that soon ladies will bo clad in materials of “ metallic origin,” which if damaged can be repaired “ at any handy garage.” Then the garage man will come into his own, and become even more arrogant and mysterious than he used to be when wool was high and cars were plentiful.

I cannot boast of Lindrum’s skill, And Newman would despise me; M'Couachy would make me ill, And Davis paralyse me; For if I ever had to play Against their endless scoring, I’d have to pass tho time away By looking on—or snoring. While one of these unwearied chaps Was putting up his thousand, I’d leave my cue behind, perhaps, Go home and milk tho cows, and Wasli out tho buckets and machine, And do the separating, Then go and rattle up fifteen— Why keep opponents waiting? Let fans admire these all-day scores. Perhaps they make them happy. I flee such ultra-skilful bores For something bright and snappy. A hundred up, 1 think, is nice. Including five-and-twenty, By glaring flukes, to give it spice, “And then I’vo had a-plenty! Now, billiards is a noble game, And when I find I’m able, I like an evening at the same, Upon a decent table. If decent tables can’t bo had, I bow to circumstances ; For tables that are, frankly, bad, Afford some sporting chances. Each ball should be a perfect sphere, And clean and coloured rightly; But I, for one, regard these'mens Conventions rather lightly. ' I’d hate a polyhedral ball (I have my predilections), But still, I’m not so critical Of minor imperfections. I won’t relate tho time I take, A “hundred up” compiling; But if I get a twenty break, 1 feel that Fortune’s smiling; And if perchance I pot the white, I feel, without contrition, That two, though basely gained, is quite A welcome small addition.

It is held up as a reproach to this generation that large families are now exceptional. “ The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world ” was the belief of our forefathers, but woman now seems more concerned with the ruling part of her job, and does as little rocking as possible. Napoleon’s theory that the best citizen was the one with most children has gone into “ kitty,’i and few seem inclined to take it up. The picture of the dying father surrounded by a roomful of stalwart sons and daughters vitiating the oxygen and speculating on how much the old man will leave and who will get it no longer appeals. Nowadays the offspring are not there, and if they were they would be bundled out to the verandah by the doctor or the nurse so that the aged parent might depart in peace. Here and there one finds a veteran of the old brigade who still obeys the injunction to bo fruitful, increase, and multiply. One of these fundamentalists turned up (probably unwillingly) at the court the other day. Ho had faded away from hero some nine years aj|o, leaving a wife and child unprovided for. In an indiscreet moment ho turned up at the Waikouaiti races, of all places, where he was spotted by his spouse, who “ soolcd ” the law on him. We have- always thought that racing is a curse. In the subsequent proceedings it transpired that, although absent from his own home, family life made such a strong appeal to him that ho had shouldered its responsibilities a second time in a less regular fashion, and had gathered no fewer than six infants around him. Although only nine years away from Dunedin, the eldest of No. 2 family is alleged to bo nearly eleven years old—a startling tribute to .Invercargill, where bo bad made his domicile. The six little Maori!,■indcrs wore produced in court as an evidence of good faith, ft is little wonder that Southland is progressing.

A local young lady describing Lord Bledisloe, whom she had observed crossing the pavement to his motor car, concluded by remarking that he had a Union Jack on his radiator. Does this come within the scope of lose Majestie? If so ; wo trust that the Governor-General wdl take a lenient view of the case in consideration of the youth and excitement of the speaker. * * * * As most of us arc dismally aware, Australia is financially in a bad way. .If one wants to buy a hundred Bank of England notes there, they will cost you a hundred and fifteen pounds ten shillings in Australian currency, and people seem to think that the price will go np to a hundred and twenty. That is to say, if the English pound is valued at 20s, the Australian article is only worth Ids Bd. Within its own borders it retains its face value, but abroad it loses a sixth of its purchasing power, and for the ordinary purposes of daily life can hardly lie said to have any purchasing power at all. Tf you doubt this just take a few Australian notes and try to buy a new pipe with them in one of Messrs Salmon and Glnckstein’s shops in flic Strand, London, or offer them ju pay-

meat of your hotel bill in New York. The Australians, as well as ourselves, have to pay for what they buy or owe in England or elsewhere in gold or goods.” Notes are of no use outside the three-mile limit, and the value of goods which they offer for sale (as also those which we have to sell) has fallen so much that it takes a great deal of goods merely to pay the interest on their, and our debts, without buying anything at all. It is interesting to note that Mr Anstey, who hotds Ministerial rank in Australia, seems to regard the future with complacency. He says that when the banks refuse to cash “ Government cheques ” we shall have a chance to reconstruct along new lines. Probably this means plain repudiation and confiscation. There does not seem any other way out, save by an effort which no one appears anxious to make.

Oh, who would be a Viking’s bride, and sail upon the ocean wide, and take your chance of being drowned or fried, and with a wink the scribe replied, “ Not me.” Captain and Mrs Tambs, who turned up in Auckland tills week, after spending a two and a-half years’ honeymoon on board a seven-ton yacht, have, wo hope, enjoyed their trip, but we have not the least desire to emulate them. We do not consider the danger so much. A well-built, well-found, and wellhandled small, boat will live through surprisingly bad weather, as has been demonstrated often enough. What we would object to is the discomfort and deadly monotony of the voyage. Unless from actual experience ; it is hard to realise how difficult it is to get a sleep on such a craft in anything like a breeze, or how the water manages to work through places supposed to be watertight, and spoils one’s food, one’s clothes, and one’s temper. Then think of being condemned to spend two and a-half years with one,person, even if that person is one’s wife or husband. Think of hearing the same old tales again and again and again; seeing the same face every day, no matter how handsome it may be. St. Simon Stvlites, who sat on top of his pillar .» r so many years, was at least spared human companionship. The crew was increased by one child on the voyage. This unhappy or possibly happy infant’s earliest experiences did not include periodic inspection by a PJunket nurse, ready at any moment to hold its nose with one hand and pour orange juice, or even castor oil, down its throat with the other. It just has to jog along by tho light of Nature and the instinct of maternal affection. No bad substitutes for science when all is said and done.

A freakish genius came to light la Hungary of lato, Who gob exacting problems right At such a rapid rate; He’d -work, without the slightest fuss, The Differential Calculus, And all within his pate. Ho wrote no numbers down, nor words, But did it all with case; Equations, logarithms, and surds Ho worked like shelling peas; While tangent, cosine, secant, sine Ho thought no worse than nine times nine, Or adding twos and threes. So every learned chap who had A mathematic mind Considered this Hungarian lad A most tremendous find; Each viva voce theorem Appeared miraculous to them, And left them far behind. So. seeing that his cranium Held such a wondrous brain, Small wonder, then, that there should come An eager, curious train Of scientific people full Of longing for the fellow’s skull, Such genius to explain. And so, though maybe ’twill bo long, Before his spint’s fled, Already there’s a shouting throng All bidding for his head. It seems a, bit indecent, though, To treat a fellow’s organs so. Before he’s really dead. Mv head (although J.’m saying it) Ts quite a decent one, But still it doesn’t seem quite fit, Before I’m dead and gone, To comb the somewhat scanty locks On someone olse’s thinking box. It should be mine alone. No doubt there’s profit in the spec., But still one’s heart rebels, When everything above one’s neck Belongs to someone else. No decent man would care to put A purchase price upon his nut, However much it swells!