THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 20374, 4 January 1930, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Professional Touch.— Dentist: Which tooth d» you want extracted? Pullman Porter: Lower seven. * 6 ♦ Why Pedestrians Go Cock-eyed.— How ean you possibly cross the street w^thecarskeepcomingaloß^Uketlns? Inflated Occasion. —“Was Harold’s wedding a swell affair? „ , “Positively! They even used puffed rice.” « * • Family Jars.—" Are the fish biting?” “I don’t know,” replied the weary angler, “but if they are. they re biting each other.” Raising the Ante.—Ned: _I’ve got to see Jack about 1.20. Ted: Well, Id like to see him about two twenties and a five.

Why .Girls Stay Home.—“ Alice could have married anybody she pleased." “Then why is she still single?” “She never pleased anybody.” >{> $ . # Dad Knows. —Young Mathematician: Mum, do you know how to get the cubic contents of a barrel? His Mother; No,, ask your father. >jt # ♦ . Literature Up-to-date.—“Go and sin some more,” said the editor of the confessions magazine to the young author from whom he bought a story. '

Might Reform the Theatre.—-Wonder if the man who invented-the artificial larynx ever thought, of possible church uses. Wouldn’t it be a relief if the ushers could take the larynxes out and clear them before the sermon started? * « O Solitude! Where Are Thy Charms? The road show was playing a poor town. . • “We are alone?" hissed. the villain. “Almost," rejoined his partner, looking sadly at the rows of empty seats. » ♦ * Promoted to Plank-walker.—'"Come, come, my man, you’ve been looking around here a long time without buying—what do you want?” ‘Guess 1 want another floorwalker," replied the old gentleman; “I’m the new owner. » # • Won the Mug.—Recruit: what’s the matter? Didn’t I do all right in the parade? Top Sergeant (sweetly): Sure you did all right! Didn’t you win it-by half a yard? «* . * Mum’s the Word’.—Child - , (to young man who has called): Sister told me to entertain you till she comes, down. Young Man: Oh, she did, did she. Child: Yes —and I’m not to answer too many questions. ; * * SI Coming Gleam —Mrs. Corntossel; I’ve been expectin’ a package of medicine for a week, and haven’t got it yst Expressman: Yes, ma’am; please fill in this paper, and state the nature of your complaint. ' “Well, if you must know, it’s indigestion." if * • Bargain Burglary.—The'Gossip: I hear your store was robbed last night. Lose much? The Optimist: Some, but it would have been worse if the yeggs had got in the night before; you see, yesterday I just finished marking down everything 20 per cent. « * * O.K. By Her.—“ Did you know, dear, that tunnel we just passed through was two miles long, and cost 2i-mil r lions?” said the young man .to his sweetheart. “Oh, really did it?” she replied, as she started to rearrange her dishevelled hair; “well, ■it was worth it, wasn’t it?"

Disarmed. —Two golfers playing an important tie were annoyed by a slow couple in front of them, obviously; new to the game. ... At one hole there was a particularly long wait. One of the offending couple dawdled on the fairway while bis companion searched in the rough. At length the waiting couple on the tee could contain their impatience .no longer. ' . , _ , ' “Why don’t you help your friend find his ball?” one shouted indignantly. The idle golfer in front turned with a cheerful smile. “Oh, he’s got his ball,” he replied blandly. “He’s looking for his club!"

The Staple Topic.—Mrs, Nltt.—"l shall never forget ray operation.” Mrs. Witt—“ Neither shall I, dear." « US * ,Vhy the Traffic Jams.—“l hate those impromptu complexions,- don’t you?” “What do you mean?” “Those they make up as they go along." 8 » « V Filial Sacrifice.—“ Dear Lord,’’ prayed ‘ the co-ed, “I don’t ask anything for myself—just give mother a son-in-law.” * u & Higher Salesmanship.—A diplomat Is a man who can give his wife a £ls washing-machine and make her forget it was a £l5O coat she wanted. * . - * ■ ♦ ■ All Wet.—Seasick Passenger (on * friend’s yacht): I say, what about going back? After you’ve seen one wave, you’ve seen them all. * * * All Set for a Scrap.—A man in Atchison, Kansas, can play a ukulele with his toes. This has an advantage, leaving the hands free for self-defence. slave to A tysearances.—Optimist: Cheer up, bid man. Things aren’t as bad as they seem to be. Pessimist; No, but they seem to be. sjt * «r Economy.—Wife: “Did I see you kiss the chambermaid?” '>' * Husband.—“ Y-y-yes, my dear; saved a shilling tip by it.” • * » March of Progress.—The fellow who used to read the film-sub-titles out loud now sits behind us at the talkies and helps the hero to sing the theme song. ■ * • * A Rich Joke.—Mrs. Gordon (to. husband who is listening-in on Sabbath evening): • “Tammas, Tammas, ye mauna laugh like that on the Sabbath day.” Tammas: “Laugh, wummanl The minister has just announced the collection, and here I am at home.” « * * ' The Helping Hand. —He; “And we will elope at midnight.” She: “Yes, dear.” . He: “And will you have all your things packed?” She: “Sure. My husband is packing them for me now."

•No Mercy.—Kind Gentleman (t« little boy eating an apple) i Look out for the worms, sonny. Little Boy: When I eat an apple the worms have to look out for themselves. • * ♦ ;■ Smilin’ Through.—“Havis you seen Norah’s new evening frock?” “No; what does It look like? “Well, in many places it’s very like Noi,ah ” * * ♦ Bouquet for Dad.—Teacher (looking over Teddy's homework): I don’t se* how it’s possible for a, single person td make so many mistakes. _ Teddy (proudly): It-isn’t a single person, teacher. Father, helped me.

Landed.—The strains of the wedding march were echoing through r th« church. The procession had Jus< emerged from the vestry,'the bride'« father walking solemnly along 5 with the bridegroom's motlier on his arm. , She turned to him with tears in her eyes as they reached the steps outside. "I suppose i£ was hard to lose your daughter?" she said. The old man nodded. "It was a bit of a job," he replied unthinkingly. "But the dear girl managed to land him in the end. :.•■ ■ * w * All the Letters.—Herbert had read in the morning paper of. Arthur's engagement to Zoe. After Breakfast he strolled round to congratulate his friend. To his amazement he found Arthur in a raging temper. "What's up, old man?" he asked. "You oughtn't to be looking like tills." Arthur crossed to the table and took up a diamond ring. . "It's the wretched jeweller," he explained. "I told him to engrave, 'From A to Z' on the inside of this, and Tm blowed if h» r hasn't put in the whole beastly alphabet." * • * Greatest Modern Achievement.— Jesse Pomeroy!s ride to Bridgewater after fifty years in-close confinement had a parallel in France some years ago, when a convict released aftel nearly forty years was given a rid< about Paris by the warden. He saw automobiles, trolley cars, airplanes; h« saw the Eiffel Towec.; he was taken til

a moving-picture show; he heard tne radio. At the end "the warden asked what had most impressed him. The prompt answer was "The women." "How come?" (or Its French equiva. lent) asked the warden. "Because, sir when I went to prison, women werl round. Now they are ofclong or flat/