THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 20328, 9 November 1929, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Saved the Fare.— Two taxis collided in Aberdeen. Twenty people were injured. * * » Box of Sardines. —Polygamy would never work in this, country. Think of six wives in a kitchenette! # * # Quite Simple.—“Do you have any trouble with ‘shall’ and ‘will’?” “No; my wife says, ‘You shall,’ and I say, T will.’ ” , # £ ft The Aftermath. —“I have less dread of influenza than of its consequences.” “Yes. 1 haven’t paid my last doctor’s bill either.” * « Ye Anciente Hayseede. Fourteen inns in Surrey are called “The Jolly Farmer.” Presumably there was one once.

The New Art.—“ She was all very well in silent films, but I can’t believe she’s a success in the talkies.”

“Yes, you see, her understudy says all the long words.”

Chicken-feed. —“I advertised that the poor would be welcome in this church,” said the minister, “and after inspecting the collection, I see that they have come.”

Motherly Care.—“ Can you recommend the company with which you are insured against accidents?” “Rather I have been insured 10 years and never had an accident.”

Path of Discretion. —"Should a husband keep anything from his wife?” asks a writer.

“Enough for lunch and carfare, we should say.”

There’s a Waiting Line.—“ Marriage,” we were saying to a modern young lady the other day, “is a great institution.”

“Maybe,” she said, “but who wants to live in an institution?”

Relativity.—“ Dad, is £5 much money?”

“That depends, my son. When I earn it, it is a lot of money, but when your mother goes slipping with it it is nothing.”

Blessing in Disguise.—She (sotto voce) —“George, dear, it’s a burglar!” He —“Sh-h, don't move, maybe he can get that window up; it’s the one we havn’t been able to open since the painters left.”

Deserved Tribute.—“ The man who can banish headaches deserves the deep gratitude of the whole community,” says a writer. A fitting tribute, wo feel, would be the eventual unveiling of an aspirin tablet to his memory.

The Menu.—“ What have you got for dinner?” mbhashbakedandfriedpotatoespuddingmilkicecreamandcake.”

“Bring me the third, fourth, sixth, eighteenth and nineteenth syllables.”

Courage.—“ The rapidly increasing divorce rate,” remarked the wit, “indicates that America is indeed becoming the land of the free.”

“Yes," replied the prosaic friend, “but the continued marriage rate suggests that it is still the home of the brave.”

Unchanging. —“Do you act toward your wife now as you did before you married her?”

"Exactly; I remember just how I acted when I first fell in love with her. I used to hang over the fence in front of her house and gaze at her shadow on the curtain—almost afraid to go in. And I act just the same way now when I get home late."

An Enthusiast.—“ You must drink hot water with your whisky,” the doctor told his patient, “otherwise you mustn’t take it at all.”

“But how shall I get the hot water?” the patient asked. “My wife won’t let me have it for the whisky toddy.” “Tell her you want to shave,” the doctor said, and took his departure. The next day the doctor asked the wife how his patient was. “He’s quite mad,” she replied. “He shaves every ten minutes.”

Modern Gallantry.— A gentleman is always polite enough to get off and give a lady his seat on the water wagon. •

The Pert You Love to Spy.—“ You’ve heard of Naples, the famous Italian port, haven’t you?" “No; how much Is It a bottle?” * if *

Dare to Be a Meal Ticket.—He—“Will you marry me?" The Heiress—“No, I’m afraid not.” . He—“Oh, come on, be a support.” $ lj» «

Dispatch.—Barnstorming Hero; “Villain, you must die!” Villain: “Then be quick and get it over or I’ll lose the last bus home.” « «

Modernity.—Prospective Tenant: “1 would like to see one of the bedrooms?”

Owner: “Modern or comfortable?”

Language Extension Course.—“ Have they been married long?” “Just long enough so they have found there are a lot of things that you can’t say with flowers.”

Genuine Wild Men.—Tourist (in Yellowstone Park) —“Those Indians have a blood-curdling yell.” Guide—“ Yes, ma’am, every one of ’em is a college graduate!”

Pass the Glue,—The doctor told him to take a pickle just before going to bed if he could keep it on his stomach. Next day he told the doctor it rolled off when he turned over.

Long-Range Student. —Boxing Instructor (after first lesson) —“Now, have you any questions to ask?” Beginner (dazed) —“Yes; how much is your correspondence course?”

Instalment Plan.—Young Man —“How much do I pay for a marriage licence?”

Clerk—“ Five dollars down and your entire salary each week for the rest of your life.”

Safety First. —" Fifty years of happy married life! How have you managed it?” “Well, for one thing, son, I’ve always admitted I was wrong.”

. If and When. —An author says some people keep on predicting the end of the world in spite of the fact that they are always wrong. But he must admit that they get a little nearer every time.

So She Made Him Eat Dirt. —They were discussing the disappointed lover. “I didn’t suppose he’d have the sand to propose to you?” “Oh, he did all right; but he didn't have the dust.”

Spread of Knowledge.—She—“Jack, dear, am I the first girl you ever kissed?”

He—“ Yes, indeed. I learned to do that from a radio lecture I heard the other night.” * $ ft

Steady Schedule.—“ Sarah, did 1 see you kissing someone in the garden this morning—the milkman or the postman?"

“Er—excuse me, ma’am—was it about half-past seven or was it after eight?”

Not Yet Recovered. —Two inmates of a Scottish asylum, working in the garden, decided upon an attempt at escape. Watching their opportunity, they approached a wall. “Noo bend down, Sandy,” said the one, “and I’ll dim’ up your shoulder to the top, and then I’ll gie ye a hand up tae.” Tam, mounting Sandy’s back, gained the top of the wall, and, dropping on the other side, shouted as ho prepared to make off—“l’m thinking, Sandy, you’ll be better ta bide anither fortnight, for you’re no near richt yet.”

And N for Pneumatic. —Over lunch in a London hotel a wealthy but unlettered Scotsman was invited by a friend to join his shooting party in Scotland later that week. “Man,” said the Scot, "that’s a splendid idea. I’ll get on the telephone at once and get my man to clean my gun.” He rose and rang up his house. “Is that you, Forbes,” he said to his servant. “Well, I want you to go ahead at once and get my gun cleaned.” The ser--vant apparently did not catch the material word. “No,” shouted the Scot, “I said ‘gun’—-G for Jew, U for onion, and N for pneumatic.”