THE CHESTNUT TREE

Evening Star, Issue 20292, 28 September 1929, Page 7

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Modern. —A modern girl is one who can meet the wolf at the door and come back with a fur coat. Close Up.—“l’m determined to kiss you before 1 go home." “You leave this house at once!" Two of a Kind. —Mrs. Muff: My husband bores mo to death. Mrs. Stoic; My husband won’t listen, either. Definition. —The honeymoon is that part of a girl’s life which comes between the lipstick and the broomstick. True Bravery.—-He: it is to be a battle of wits. She: How brave of you, Gerald, to, go unarmed!

FOR A GOOD GIRL

Dear maid, who held my heart in thrall, In this wild age of dissipation, You stand aloof, untouched by all Contamination.

Your mien is modest and demure; You don’t powder, rouge or henna; You go to dances trailed by your Duenna.

In this Jazz ago you have no part. All this, and more, I’ve got to hand you, And that’s—Why not be frank, dear heart? — Why I can’t stand you! t

Not Desperate.—“ Well, do you want a meal enough to work for itV” “I'm just hungry, madame—not desperate.” W ft I* $

What Boys Live For.—“ Now, Herbert, how many seasons uro there?” “Two.” “Only two?—name them.” “Cricket and football.”

All in Vain.—" For ten years, ten long and lean years,” cried the writer. “1 have been writing this drama, changing a word here, a line there, working on it until my lingers were cramped and aching, my brain and body weary from the toil.” “Too had, too bad,” tho producer murmured; “all work—and no play.”

A Busman’s Holiday.—“ Look here,” said tho medical man, “there's nothing tho matter with yon. All you need is cheering up. Go and enjoy yourself at one of those snappy musical comedies. It will take your mind off business.” “That’s just what it won’t do,” muttered tho patient. “I am an artificial leg manufacturer.” '

iThe Cost of Loving.—Ella: “How much do you love me, dear?" Charles: “Do you really want to know?” Ella; “Yes." Charles: "Here’s my cheque book, you can look over the counterfoils.” * * # Economy.—Curiosity; “Did you give your wife that little lecture on economy you talked about?” Domesticity; “Yes.” Curiosity; “Any results?" Domesticity:- “Ive got to give up smoking.” Ji> D Forearmed.—Big Man: “So you would like to bo my typist?” Fair Typist; “Yes, sir.” Big Man: “What are your qualifications?” Fair Typist: "I know your .wife by the sound of her footsteps.” o * * The Tragedy.—A real tear-bringcr the story of the Scotsman who died of a broken heart. He stood treat so that the boys wouldn’t think him as close as story-tellers make his countrymen out to be, and then found out that all the time they thought he was Irish. 'K <• * Delayed.—Client: "But I warn you I cannot pay for this suit for three months.” Tailor: "Oh, that does not matter in the least.” Client: “When will it be ready?” Tailor: "In about three months’ time.” First Aid for Travellers.—They were both commercial travellers, and were waiting for the same train, When one turned to the other. "What’s that strange label you’ve got pasted on that bag of yours, old man?” he asked. “Ah,” returned the other, “it’s a newidea. Here’s a similar one. I had a lot printed before I left home. Read it.” Tho questioner took the slip of paper and read it aloud: “While a trunk was being handled carelessly at a railway station recently, it exploded, and seriously injured a porter.” He finished, and looked up. “Have a few?” asked the other man, putting his hand in his pocket. “You’ll find them very useful.”

Conscience. —Club waiter; There is a lady outside who says that her husband promised to be home early tonight. All (rising); Excuse me, gentlemen. Views.—Mistress (engaging maid): And have you any religious views? Maid: No, ma’am, only a few postcards of Brighton. O C C Pretty Neat.—First He; “See that girl? Her face is her fortune." Second He: "Yes, and it runs into a nice ligure.” The Menu. —Waitress: “Haven’t they given you a menu yet, sir?” Famished Customer: “Yes; ybut I finished that half an hour ago.” Finis.—Fond Parent (finishing story): “And so they lived happily ever after.” Angel Child; “Gee, Pop, lucky they didn’t, get married!" Modernity. —A new sort of watch winds itself, and if someone will perfect a device to put out the milk bottles automatically, there should be no further trouble about going to bed, « * • Shopping Note. —"if 1 were trying to match politeness,” exclaimed the woman. "I’d have a difficult job here.” “Let me see your sample," said the assistant, calmly. All Dressed Up. — A girl may wear a golf outfit when she can’t play golf, and a bathing dress when she can’t swim, but when she puts on a wedding gown she moans business. Early, Very!—“What time do.you gel up in summer?” "As soon as the first ray of the sun. comes iu at my window.” "Isn't that rather early?” "No. my room faces west.” Well Ahead.— “ Now,” said the leader of the Bushville Band, “we’ll play ‘The Stars and Stripes Forever!’” “Gosh!” exclaimed the cornet-player. "I’ve just played that!” ft O Culinary Art. —"What do you call this, madame?” the seaside boarder asked his landlady, as he held to view on a fork a lump of mystery. “It is hot-pot,” replied tho lady. "I- see,” smiled the lodger, “and this, I suppose, is a piece of the pot?”

Both Wrong.—Two Londoners travelling to tho north of Scotland were making comments on the scenery. “Is not this entrancing?” said one. “It’s superb,” agreed tho other. The old Scot in the corner shifted restlessly. “You’re both wrang,” he burst out. “its Killiecrankie."

Aberdeen Again.—“l think we should take a walk doon the toon an’ , see the shops, lassie,” said an Aberdonian to his wife. “But they’re a’ shut,” she replied. “D’ye think I didna’ ken that?” ho replied; “I’m no’ daft.” .

Rather Different, —Mr. Gahaiol: And so you are the lady who is giving my wife painting lessons; what sort of a pupil is she? Miss Dauber: Well, find her very apt, to say the least. Mr. Gabalot: That’s funny—l always find her apt to say the most.

Apologies Unneeded.-—She was engaging a now maid, and by way of recommendation rather than explanation said, “We’re Scotch, you know.” “Oh, that’s quite all right,” said the applicant reassuringly; “I was once with a Chinese couple.”

One Over the Eight.—“ There ought to be only one head to every family,” declared a man at tho club. “That’s true,” agreed a little chap, making figures on a, piece of paper. “You agree, do you?” asked the first man, with a smile. “Indeed I do, I’ve just paid for hats for nine daughters.'” She Scared Him.—Mr. Meeker had crawled under the bed when he heard the burglar. He held his breath and waited. Then, alter a pause, he felt someone trying to crawl in beside him. “Is that you, Henrietta, dear?” he whispered. “No,” was the answering whisper; “I’vo just had a look at her. I’m tho burglar. Move up!” $ 0 C An Official View.—Little Leslie was very fond of drawing and painting. Directly he returned home from school, out would come his pencils and colourbox, and another great work bo commenced. Ono evening his mother noticed an unusual kind of sketch, and asked her son what he was drawing. “Heaven,” answered Leslie. “Gracious, child,” gasped his mother in a shocked voice, “you mustn’t do that. Nobody knows what Heaven looks like.” “They will though," returned the youthful artist, “They will when I get this finished.