HUMOR OF THE BABU

Evening Star, Issue 18093, 7 October 1922, Page 2

HUMOR OF THE BABU

MERRY MISTAKES IN THE EAST. Lieutenant-colonel A. A. Irvine contributes an amusing article to the ‘ Nineteenth Century,’ on the unconscious humorist of the Easte—the Babu. Among his collection of specimens tha. following will bo read with much merriment Probably more than one English lady in India has received a letter beginning “Holy Mother”; but at was reserved for a well-known general, who was at the time head of the Mule Transport Corps at Simla, to be addressed as “Almighty Ass Master.” Equally quaint was a. letter sent to a deputy commissioner in the Punjab, which commenced with “ My lord, my saviour, and my what-not,” and concluded with “ May tire Almighty give you everlasting L.S.D.” “Most Becile Sir” was a mode of address. calculated, at any rate, to remove from the mind of the recipient any lurking suspicion as to his imbecility. Our friend the Babu, anxious to obtain some post iu an office, may_ possibly begin his petition with the assertion that in attending to his duties he has always been “ punctual as a tick.” Undue modesty is not in the nature of his composition; and he will go on to detail his numerous virtues and accomplishments, not omitting to mention how “ on the advent of tho Great War” he “ took to the sword, and became clerk in Military Accounts Department.” Ho invariably has a large number of relations dependent upon him—his “family members” —and it may be eftid that he will inquire how “ on this exiguous salary ” ho can “ make the two ends of his grandmother meet.” The question would seem to be unanswerable. It is his policy to assume that something will be done for him; ami he will write to his patron ; —“ Honored, sir,—During my father’s lifetime having been wel-petted and wcl-broaded, I now knock at your honor's mercy clean and clothed in, white. In short, I depend on you and God ; , having no cousin or other relation.” On one occasion an Indian student, anxious to display his knowledge of English when applying for a Government post, submitted a brief essay. It was entitled ‘The Natural History of the Bugs; Not to be Found in Any of the_ Books.’ Amongst other things it contained the interesting piece of information that “ if a Man were put in a Box or a Basket with the Bugs, he would immediately become sick upon. And the more of Bugs in the basket! the more of sickness would jump upon.” The letter of a clerk of an Indian firm of tailors to a customer who had complained that his breeches, instead of being patched inside and fine-drawn, had been repaired with a large circular _ patch of bright-colored hairy flannel applied to the outside, ran as follows:—“We warn your Honor that if trousers bo washed, the flannel of new seats will fade, to old color. But if your Honor does not approve now flannel in old seats, wc will remove it and return tho trousers without seats.” Curious misunderstandings of English words were those of tho gentleman who explained that he had at pre/ent no son. because his wife was “impregnable,” and of tho Indian veterinary surgeon who wrote: “I have brought the horse time and again for your Honor’s perusal. I think he is prone to suckle wind.” The description of a lady as “ a female woman of the opposite sex” is perhaps surpassed in excellence by the description of a baker of English bread as “ a European Loafer.” Letters concerned with domestic matters afford a fruitful hunting ground for Babuisms, and are frequently somewhat embarrassing. Here is a» letter to, a friend, which includes this remarkable passage : “I would suggest of your trying to find a respectful lady for marriage, because it is absolutely necessary for everybody to hand over charge of the world to his sons; and iu the absence of a wife children arc not expected.” “Best salams to the prolonged baby” occurred in a letter of congratulation to a young couple recently blessed with twins; but whether the writer intended to congratulate them on the' advent of the “ longed-for-baby,” or meant to imply that twin babies placed end l to end were greater in length than a single gift from the Stork, we shall never know. No one save a Bengali student could have written (in a college magazine): “With a last lingering look at the ( abode of his birth, he gave motion to his_ legs with a gesticulation rather automatically without aim or destination.” The person in question must have possessed curious extremities, for, further on, wo read': “ The former giant in structure, but short in sight, sainted his friend with a dash of his legs.” The excuse of a firm of polo stick makers for non-compliance with an order is amusing: “The delay is duo_ to the death of our grandmother, which is to be excused l . For, when the Maker calls the Make, what can we bo doing?” “Here earth is quack—how there?” was a telegram sent from Dharmsala to Simla during tho great earthquake of 1905. Asked by a visitor to a gaol why a certain prisoner was looking specially depressed, the gaoler’s reply was worthy of record, “Sir,” he said, “this man is to be hanged to-moiTow; so to-day he is peevish.” “Dow much shall T have to pay for freight?” was asked by an inquirer anxious to despatch by train an artificial leg sown up in sacking. “There is no special provision for such goods, sir,” was the reply ; “but I am booking as musical instrument.” Among Babuisms from the law courts arc these: —“My opponent, feeling that he has gone too far, has cleverly burnt his boots,” and “My client is not a | shuttlecock running from pillar to post.” I The written argument of counsel for the defence in an assault case contalned > this ! paragraph: —“Tho slight and trifling injuries of this Hindu lady indicate that they were not caused by the appellants, my clients. They seem to be the. result of blows given by brotherly hands (or hand) who had maternal love behind r to dwindle the face of anger.” In the advertisement column of a newspaper we find a Rajput Hindu widower seeking “ a lady of kind habits, healthy and most attractive, without any kind of sorrow. Widow from infancy or unmarried woman will do.” Another advertiser makes inquiries for “respectable parents having an intelligent noble daughter” for “an elightenod son-in-law (England returned). Sure millions income, mil prove rare son-in-law, really true companion. A cutting from an Indian newspaper describing the suppression .of a riot informs the reader that “soon the stick of tho Deputy Commissioner was hobnobbing gaily from cranium to cranium ”; and quite recently a well-known Calcutta paper, expressing a hope that Lord Readring would take the measure of the “ Simla Bureaucrat,” remarked, “ May God gifticgie our new Viceroy that ho may cool tho hyperheat of the men on the spot.” "A somewhat drastic suggestion was that of a sneaker on the Habitual Offenders Bill, who declared, “ If a man be convicted of a crime, lot him be nailed to the counter.” It is, however, in matters ceremonial and in his poetry that the unconscious humor of the Babu appears in all its glory. “Tell Father We are Happy” was the legend over a triumphal aroh which much amused our King and Queen when they visited Lahore during their tour of India some years ago, in addition to which there was a. large “Welcome” over the European cemetery. “God bless Mr Smith!’’ was the gratifying expression of good wishes on an arch erected in honor of the visit of a popular deputy commissioner to a small town, and 1 further on, as a compliment to his lady, “God help Mrs Smith!” Tlie gem of tho collection is a fragment from a poem written on ‘ The Death of Her Late Majesty Queen Victoria.’ If ever there was a queen beloved of her people that queen was Victoria, and the people of India. At the present day oven in the most truculent organs of ex-' tremist opinion, the Queen-Empress is invariably referred to as “ the Good Queen,” lor “the Great White Queen”; and we

must believe that the poet wrote with the utmost respect and reverence when ha penned tho extraordinary couplet: Dust to dust, and ashes to ashes! Into tho Tomb the Good Queen dashes!

Anything more foreign to the habits of the (ireat White Queen "it would be difficult to conceive; but the poet required a rhyme.