IN LIGHTER VEIN

Evening Star, Issue 17637, 16 April 1921, Page 8

IN LIGHTER VEIN

an ■Aamamp loves My sweetheart is keen on athletics; At tennis and golf she’s a “crack”; While I, though I know arithmetics, Am far from a star on the “track ” * Rut she is not scornful, like some belles, And does not discourage me quite, -Since 1 have procured mo acme dumbbells.

And practise |iy night, I used to set forth with a lunch bag When morning came up with, its glow; But now I must carry a punch bag, For I am in training, you know. I go (though I cannot say gaily) To those that give massage and rubs, •While I am conversant (and daily) With Indian clubs! J labor with weight and with pulley— Until I fecj desperate—well, I hope I won’t tarn out a bally, And yet, yet you never can tell! For should she jpersist in evasion Whenever I woo her to win I think I should try strong persuasion, And gather her ini —Clinton Scollard. ALTER THE NAME. . Desirous of baying a camera, a fair young woman inspected the stock of a local shopkeeper. “Is thin a good one?” she asked as she picked up a dainlv little machine. “What is it called?” “That’s the Belvedere,” said the handsome young shopman politely. There was a chilly silenoo. Then the young woman drew herself coldly erect, fixed him with nn icy stare, and asked him,: “Er—can you recommend the Belva?” TEE FORGIVING SPIRIT. A bishop saw one of his parishioners clinging to a lamp post, .-.very(drunk. “ Wilkins, Wilkins ■” said the bichop. “ Can it be you? How often have I preached to you 1 Sermon after sermon ! I am so sorry.” After which ho walked dejectedly awnv. Bat presently the voice of the drunkard, reached him, and ho turned back, in tho hope of hearing a vow of reformation. “B’sh’p," said the man, “if you really are sorry, I for-iorgivo yon.” “ HE’LL DO IT.” Sir Auckland Geddas, the new British Ambassador, was talking at a luncheon in Philadelphia about seasickness. “ There are numerous remedies for seasickness,” he said. “Some advise cotton in tho cars; others recommend smoked glasses; a champagne diet lias its votaries; fasting lias its advantages as well; but I, for my part, however, incline to the old skipper’s view. ‘Oh, captain,' moaned a ilady passenger, 1 my husband is frightfully seasick. Can you tell him what to do J’ ‘ltaint necessary to tell him, ma’m. He’lldo it,’ said the old skipper gruffly.” NO WONDER HE CRIED. Following the f uneral of the late Baron-. De Rothschild, the family gathered at the mansion-house- to hear the reading of the will. After a, number of bequests to the relatives had been read over by tho solicitor, one of the party noticed a small boy, who ha-d evidently crept in unobserved, crying in a corner as if his heart would break. Approaching him, the gentleman tapped him on the shoulder and said : “What is the matter, little boy?” Tho boy looked up. “ He’s dead,” he wailed. “Well,” said tho gentleman, “what’s that to you? You’re not a relative.” “That’s why I’m ciyin’,” sobbed the kid. SOMETHING TO START WITH. Young Bobbins, after being an inefficient clerk for some time, was dismissed from his job. A friend came round to condole with him, and asked him what ho proposed to do. “ Oh,” said Bobbins, with visions of early opulence, “ I am going to start in the coal tra.de.” “ Well,” commented the other, “you’ve got something to start with at any rate — the sack !” CONDESCENSION. A story is told in regard to Mr Ward Beecher, that while on a visit to London ho strolled into a church one Sunday morning and was amused to hear the curate deliver one of his sermons. After the service Mr Ward Beecher repaired to the vestry and asked to bo allowed to congratulate the clergyman on his excellent sermon. “ And might I inquire,” went on Mr Beecher, “if it took you very long to write too sermon?” “ Oh, not very,” was tho reply, “ about two hours.” “Indeed,” said Mr Beecher, “well,' you may be interested to learn that it took me two days.” “ I suppose, then,” said tho curate, “you are Mr Wired Beecher?” “I sm,” came the reply. “ Well. Mr Ward Beecher,” said tho other quite unconcernedly, “if you will publish some more eermons as pood as this morning's, I assure yon I shall have no objection to preaching them.” “I can remember when people thought the telephone was something impossible.” “ Well, ours is.” Teacher : “ Win L docs the reign of King Charles tho First teach us?” Tommy ; “ Please, sir, not to lose our heads in moments of cxcitmcnt. ” foot at- the baths : “ What’s tho price of a bath?” Attendant : “ One shilling.” Scot: “ Jleob, mon. that’s a lot. Can yo no sav saspcnco and put in less water? “ Pa, what is on economist?” “ .-.u economist, my boy, is a man who tells you what you should have done with your money after you have done something else with it.” Experience teaches intelligent people; fools go on Wandering to the end. “A num builds a castle in tho air.” “Well?” “Cut it takes a woman to pick out furniture for such an edifice.” “A man in public life should Lave tho wisdom of tho serpent.” “True. Its a good thing to be aide to crawl gracefully when the "occasion demands it.”

“ Thev told me it was a good stream for troiit, Herbert..” said the angler. “And wasn’t it?” asked his chum. “"Well, it must be; so few of them leave it.” ....

Alice ; “Do you believe in phrc.nolorry?” Jack; “No. As an experiment. I once bad my head rend, and found there was nothing in it.”