IN LIGHTER VEIN

Evening Star, Issue 14308, 5 March 1910, Page 11

IN LIGHTER VEIN

WENT TOO FAR. A much-bothered conductor on an eastbound car was asked by a chilly lady passenger to close the ventilators. As ho had already been importuned to open them by a half-dozen other patrons, he resorted to diplomacy. " Madam,” he faid, in a confidential tone, "I’d gladly close the ventilators, hut unfortunately a health olficer is aboard thq car, and ho'insists that they must be left open. I'd make myself liable to a lot of trouble if I opimscd him.’’ “A health olficer';’’ said the lady. “Yce’ni,” replied the conductor. And then, intoxicated by the success of his scheme, he unhappily added; “That’s the man three seats ahead —the one with the brown derby.’’ The lady' looked, and a change came across her face. "The one with the brown derby?” she repeated. "Ycs'm. They say he's quite an expert on germs and things. 1 believe lies a (.1 emun gentleman.” t Tire ladv stared at. the conductor. “ He’s nothing of the kind,''she snapped. “The man with the brown derby is my husband.” Whereupon the conductor beat a hasty retreat. —Cleveland ‘Plain Dealer.’ ANOTHER BERESFORD STORY. Lord Charles Bores ford is the hero of many’ stories, but this tale seems to have, escaped notice. Some time ago, when his ship was off the Falkland Islands, one of the seamen fell overboard. The cold was intense, and the Admiral might well have boon excused if he had hesitated to jump into the icy waters. However, lie seized a- i‘npo ? xuxi, fully dressed as lie was, at once leapt overboard. “ I went down, and down, and down,” ho said, in describing the incident afterwards, “ until I began to think that the other end of the rope was not fastened to anything.” But pluck was rewarded, for he rescued his sailor, and brought him safely on board again. Not long ago, while speaking at a pnbPc meeting. Lord Charles was interrupted by a clamor and scuttling at the back of the hall, caused by a man who had been trying to make his 'way to the platform. His removal was promptly ordered, but Lord Charles caught sight of his face, and rccoirniscd the man whom he iiad rescued. Needles') to say, he at once shook hands with him, received his thanks, and gave a warm welcome to his old comrade. ' The Gentlewoman.’ AN INNOCENT YOUTH. A small hoy was summoned to give evidence against his father, who had been m.ikiii;,' .a disturbance in the street the evening bet ere. 1. he bailie saio to him . “Come now. my wee man. yon arc too vonim to take the oath, hut speak, the inilh’ and lot ns hear all yon know about this affair.” “Wed, sir. dae ye ken George JV. Brig?” “ Fine, that, laddie. i “Weel, ye gang along it. an’ when ye turn the corner ye gang up the High street.” . “’Deed ye dae, laddie; ye to a clever ane.” “ Wed, vo gang on till ye come to a. pump.” ' ~ “ Yes, yes; I ken it fine, “ Weel* ye can just go an’ pump it, fur ye’ll no pump me l” A PERFECTLY LOGICAL SOCIALIST. An Irish Socialist, speaking of equality if right and of possessions, said : “ My ; doa is that there should be an equal division of all property, and Hint we should all have equal shares of land, and aionev, and everything. “lint.” said the person to whom tins ane Socialistic scheme was addressed, “ u there was an equal division made to-day. before to-morrow night many men would have sold their shares and spent the money, and many men would shares, so what would von do then?’\ _ “Why, glorv he to tied, divide again, ■ves (he perfectly candid and perfectly logical reply; for spoliation puce begun ran have no logical end. ‘ Anti-Socialist. THE WISH. “ I want some more chicken,” said a little girl at dinner. “ I think von have had as much as is .mod for v<m‘. dear,” rejoined her mother. “ Von can’t have any more now; : but here is a wishbone that you may pul with me. Whoever gels the longer end will have her wish come true. Why, baby, vou’vo got it! What is your wish ? " Some more chicken !” said the child. -Philadelphia ‘lnquirer.’ ELECTION PROVERBS. It’s a, wise constituency that knows its nvn member. You may lead a voter to the mass mem.ing, but you cannot make him think. Many a true word is spoken on the ilatfnrm. . , ' A little Navy is a dangerous thing. Two’s a company, three’s a Trust. There is no smoke without tobacco Proverb.—Those who want o live in Houses of Parliament shouldn’t throw stones. , , ... It’s a long lane that has no polling l) °MtnlLstics arc stranger than fiction. -From ‘The Election Guyed.’ IT WAS OVERPOWERING. The lawyer eyed the woman in the witness box * in patient despair. Then he rallied visibly. “You say, madam,’ he began, "that the defendant is a ’sort of relation’ of yours. Will you please explain what you mean

by that—just how you are rc-lated k> the defendant?” “Well, it’s like this,” replied the witness, beaming upon the Court. " His first wife’s cousin and my second cousin’s first wife’s aunt married’brothers named Jones, and they were cousins to my mother's aunt. Then, again, his grandfather on Ids mother’s side and my grandfather on my mother’s (side -were second cousins, and his stepmother married my husband’s stepfather after his father ami my mother died, and his brother Joe and my husband's brother Henry married twin sisters. 1 have never worked out just- bow close related we are, but I’ve always looked on him as u sort of cousin.” “Quite tight,” assented the lawyer, feebly. LEFT FROM THE LOOT. The subject of lawyer’s fees having been introduced, the lawyer told this story concerning a brother attorney who once acted 1 as counsel for a man who had stepped in a hole in the street and broken ids leg. ' Suit was brought against the city in the sum of two hundred and fifty pounds, and I the case was won. The city appealed to ■ the Supreme Court, hut here also the verI diet was in favor of t lie injured man. j After settling up the claiin, the lawyer I handed his client a five shilling piece. ( “What is this for?” asked the man. ! “ That is what is left after taking out_ my fee. Hie cost of appeal and other expenses.” j The man regarded (he money a moment, I then looked at Ids attorney. “What is the matter with this!” he asked- “Is it counterfeit?” WOMAN’S WAY NOT BEST. The observation of human nature proceeds under advantageous conditions on the street-ear. “Really,” sudd the lady with the beehive I hat, "I insist.” | " No, dear.” protested her companion, i whose hat was nearly as groat in diameter .as a cart wheel, “you mustn't. Please let I me. I have the change here. Let me eoe, ] wonder ” j “But you paid for me last time. 1 ! have, the'money all icady. Conductor, can , von change a note?” : * “ Now I (dial! not permit you to have that broken. I have some change all ready, if 1 can only find it. Dear me, I wonder what 1 ” "It’s all right. I want to get this nolo changed, anyway. 1 wonder where I put “No. no, reallv veu mustn’t. 1 thought 1 had the change all ready. 1 muf.t have lost a penny of it, somehow. But I have a sovereign that- ” (t , "Did vou say that you had a penny I ’ ; "Yes,” ! “ Well, I have one, too, so I’ll pay for you next time.” * “ No. you sha’nT do so. I shall msif-i." Then each handed out her penny, and the conductor put the coins wuuily away. Miss Smith : “ You must remember children leave their uses, it only to perpetuate Your name. Now. v.hen I die 1 am afraid the name of Smith will die with me.” One who was playing golf with anothci in clerical garb heard him .swear Iwo oi I three times under his breath. Suspecting the lapse, he could not be sure of it, until one inonr.tiyllalile came nut with unmistakable clearness. After he had finished the match, a friend said ; “ I fiw yon playing just now with the Rev. Mr Dash; of what denomination is he?" “ Sam. people say he is a (,'oiigu'gafionalist,” ic- ■ plied his late oponent. “but 1 should cad him a, Profanitarian." “What is the matter?’ ashed a lawyer o( his coachman. “The hoiscs are rmmii;? away, ur,” "Can’i you pull them up?” “] am afraid not.” “Then,” said the lawyer, after a judicious delay, “run them ink something cheap.”