IN LIGHTER VEIN.

Evening Star, Issue 14001, 6 March 1909, Page 4

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

ONE THING LACKING. A drill sergeant, whoso severity had made him unpopular with his company, was putting a squad of recruits through tho funeral exercise. Opening the ranks, so as to admit the passage of a cortege between them, the instructor, by way of practical explanation, walked slowly down the line formed by the twp ranks, saying as he did so ; “ Now, I am the corpse. Pay attention !” Having reached the end of tho lane, he turned round, regarding the recruits with a scrutinising eye, and then remarked : _ “ Your ’anas is right, and your ’eads is right, but you ’aven’t got that look of regret you ought to ’avo 1” MERITS OF THE BRANCH LINE. It was at a railway junction in the south of the United States that tho Northern traveller found himself hungry, but with only two minutes to spare before his train left. “ I’ll take a cup of coffee.” he said to the young woman in charge of the restaurant. “ I’ve no time for anything else.” “ Ton can take all the time yon want, sir,” said the young woman cordially. “ Yon look at this bill of fare, and I’ll telephone to the superintendent to delay the train a little while.” “Why, can that be done?” asked the traveller, in amazement. “ Certainly,” said the young woman. “Of course it can. It’s a branch road, and no other train coming or going over it to-day—and the superintendent would want you to have a good meal. He owns this restaurant.” WHERE WOULD AMERICA BE THEN? “ Waal,’’ drawled the Yankee, “ I guests we’ve got boats which can beat your British boats hollow for speed. Why, if war broke out between us and Great Britain our fleet would tow the whole British fleet into New York Harbor before they knew where they were.” “Ay,” replied Sandy, “ye micht do that, but it would take a much belter man than Columbus to discover America after it!” WHY HE COULDN’T READ. They were discussing the rights and wrongs of a strike, and stout and strenuous were the arguments on either side. “ Look liere! Say I ain’t tellin’ the truth! Look there !” said Bob Pellett, producing a newspaper and flourishing it under Joe’s eye. But Joe ignored the proffered literature. “I don’t want to see no newspaper!” he said loftily. “ Wot-1 knows I knows!” “ And that ain’t much!” said Bob. 1 ‘ Don’t want to see the newspaper, ’e don’t. Why ? ’Cos ’e can’t read. Uncdicatcd—that's wot ’e is!” Immediately Joseph’s ire rose. “ I’m as well edicated ns you, Bob,” he said with dignity, “ but, as I learned in a night school, o’ course I can’t read in the daytime!” IRISHMAN’S QUAINT DEFENCE. A young Irish soldier was charged with striking his superior officer, Captain Y , and when asked by the president if he objected to any of the officers forming the court he answered ; “ Sure, I objects to re all 1” “On what ground?” asked the president. “ It’s not guilty I am 1” Of course he was informed that his innocence was not yet proved. “Well.” bo continued, “I objects to Colonel X “ State yonr objection.” “Sure he wasn’t there when I sthruck the captain!” FRIENDLY ADVICE. A man had sat for some time in a restaurant, looking thoughtfully at his saucer of melting ice-cream. At last he loft his chair and made Ids way to the proprietor. “ I see you advertise that you make your own ice-cream, ho said, in a confidential tone. “ I do, sir,” said the proprietor. “Well,” said the man, “would you permit mo to give you a little pointer? I wen’t charge you a farthing, and it’ll bo money in your pocket.” “ Glad to hear it, Pm sure,” said the proprietor. “ Get somebody else to make it,” said the man, in a hoarse whisper. STUCK TO HIS DUTY. Some years ago the Yankee schooner Sally Ann, under the command of Captain Spooner, was beating up the Connecticut river. Mr Comstock, tho mate, was at his station forward. According to his notion of things, the schooner was getting too near certain mud-flats which lay along tha port shore. The mate wont aft to the captain, and with his hat cocked on one side, said : “ Cap’n Spooner, you’re getting a leetle too close to them flats. Hadn’t ye better go abeoub?” The captain glared at him. “ Mr Comstock, jest you go for’ard and tend to your part of tho skuner. I’ll tend to mine.” Mr Comstock went forward in high dudgeon. “ Roys,” he bellowed out, “see that that mud-hook’s all clear for letting go!” “ Aye, aye, sir !” “ Lot go, then !” he roared. Down went the anchor, out rattled the chains, and like a flash the Sally Ann came luffing into the wind, and then brought up all standing. Mr Comstock walked aft and touched his hat. “Well, cap’n, my part of the skuner is to anchor.” He (with a sigh): “I have only one friend on earth—my dog!” She: “Why don’t you get another dog?” “I cannot get my wife to listen to a word I say,” “Why don’t you pretend to be talking in your sleep?” He : “ I am a confirmed bachelor.” She : “ Indeed. May I ask how many girls assisted in the confirmation?” Mabel : “ Don’t skate there, Maud; it’s marked ‘ Dangerous !’ ” Maud ; “ I konw it is : but I just love to be rescued.” Mrs Browne : “ Mrs Whyte says she thinks it is wrong to play bridge.” Mrs Black ; “It is the way she plays it.” “ They say he played a fine game of golf until he was married.” “Well, you know, no man can serve two masters.” Boy ; “ Sixpenn’orth o’ cod liver oil, please, sir. An’, I say, don’t give me too much, ’cos it’s me that’s got to drink it.” First Little Girl: “Does your father hate work?” Second Little Girl: “No, indeed ; it never does him no harm.” Footlight ; “ What do yon think was the best thing I ever did ?” Sue Brette : “ That piece where you ’died in the first act-.” Nobbs : “Yes; he lives on the fat of the land.” Dobbs : “ What business is he in?” Nobbs ; “ He’s the proprietor of anti-fat medicine.” Ho : “But I didn’t know your brother was interested in agriculture?” She : “ Oh, yes ; he’s been sowing wild oats for a long time.” Betty : “ Say, Billie, what’s the difference between mushrooms and toadstools?” Billie : “ If you live after the feed, it’s mushrooms. ’ ’ Stonobroke ; “ Do you think your father would object to my marrying you?” Heiress: “I don’t know. If he’s anything like me, he would.” An Irishman describes a savings bonk as a place where you can deposit money to-day and draw it out to-morrow by giving a week’s notice. “Did Dinks have a good time on his holiday?” “I’m afraid not. When he got back he didn’t seem any more tired than when bo went away.” Husband: “After all, civilisation has its drawbacks. People in the savage state seldom get ill.” Wife (sweetly): “I wonder if that’s the reason you’re so healthy ?” Employer (reprovingly) to young man: “ I have seen you twice under the influence of drink,” Clerk (cheekily): “I am told sir, that under the influence of drink one does see things twice.” Anxious Parent: “ Doctor, my daughter appears to he going blind, and she is about to bo married.” Doctor: “Let her go right on with the wedding. If anything can open her eyes marriage,will.”