IN LIGHTER VEIN.

Evening Star, Issue 13102, 7 November 1908, Page 9

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

-■■ A Brother Artist.—From' Simla! comes 111© rows’that, Dr Sven' Hedin has' lost nearly all his . clothes by fire. He is stud to have received : a congratulatory telegram: from; Miss Maud .Allan. ■’ ■ ”

To Calm the Storm.—Following oo the 1 newa that a pilot boat was saved from being wrecked in, the recent heavy'weather by the use of oil, there is, we hear, a movement among the little boys of Great Britain' in favor of presenting all their eastern oil to poor fishermen who cannot afford the luxury. Agriculture in the Highlands.; —Fisherman : “ What on. 1 earth do they want with them little patches of com they grow up here?” Gillie: “Weel, I’m thinkin’ they just grow it for seed next year.” Without a Stain on Their Characters.— General Booth and Mr John Bnms; “ You see before you two condemned criminals.” Mr Pnnch ; “ Well. I shouldn’t worry about that.” Both: “We don’t.”

The New Culture.—Materfamilias; “ And, professor, arc vour lectures such that I could take my daughters to them?” Professor: “Maas, si, madame.” “Ah, then, I hardly think that they are what I am looking for.” At luncheon in a great ancestral home in Scotland recently a new butler was overheard to nervously ask Ins master, the duke: “ Cold Grace, your grouse!” In a Scottish village a small boy raised a hubbub in the parish church some time ago. His mother bought a sheep’s bead and part it on to boil, leaving him to watch it while she went to'th© church close by. The minister had reached his “fifthly,” when the boy thrust his head in at the door and whispered “Mither!” The good woman recognised lier son instantly, and began to make signs for him to leave the door. “Mither!” again came the whisper, this time a little louder than before. The mother shook her finger at the boy, and her head too. But it did not work satisfactorily. The boy was in earnest. Raising his voice he shouted: “ Mither, yo needna wink an’ blink at me, but ye’d better come awa’ liame at once, for the sheep’s heid’s buttin’ a’ the dumplin’ oot o’ the kail pat!” There was a young woman, who formed one of a theatre party last week, but she took no part in trio inconcoquontial clatter of her companions. With her gaze fixed upon the stage she intently watched tho progress of tho opera, indifferent to the gaiety around her, except tliat her delicate, aristocratic, finely-chiselled features bore a look of Weariness, and a scornful smile curled her lips. At last, however, she turned her head slowly, and looked at the other members of the party. Then she spoke to the elderly matron sitting by her side. _ “That girl in tbo blue kimono,” she said, “ thinks she is the whole custard!”

THE RULING PASSION. Did you ever hear the story of the Hebrew and the sea-serpent? An ocean tramp sailing across the broad Pacific was followed by a sea serpent. Its mouth, open wide, was big enough to crush tic little vessel The crew flung to it anytliing that came handy, first a deck chair, then a care of oranges, then the Chinese cook, and lastly a Hebrew, whom nobody on board liked. By this time the quarter-master, who had served on a whaler, had rigged np a gun to fire a harpoon, and hit the serpent on tho head, lolling tile monster. The serpent was hauled alongside, and as voices were heard inside it the crew set to work with hatchets and knives to cut it open. When the operation was over, in the stomach of the monster were found the Jew seated in .the deck chair selling the oranges to the Chinaman! THAT PRODIGIOUS BLACKGUARD MAN. English has many pitfalls for the Indian student, and specimens of the much-mangled language are continually cropping up. A native speaks of his troubles in this way; —“At present a law suit is hurled on me by that unworthy and unnatural, dr shall I rather say tliat prodigious blackguard man—viz., my. brother, who is son of my father and mother, and (ah! ari!) how mortifying indeed to a person of my temperature of meekness. Had my late lamented and revered father had even the least scintillation that how his matrimony would involve mo in> rits mechanitions, be would sooner never havo died than, wish my brother to chare it, and his revered bones are perhaps now turning to behold my misfortunate circumstances.” THE REAL VALUE. She was a large, resolute-looking woman, and she sat in the attorney's consultation room and stated tho case to him without any emotion. “The thing for you to do. madame,” said tho lawyer, “is to sue tho woman for alienating the affections of your Inuband.” “ Can’t I have her put in prLtoa?” she demanded. “ Um—no. You can sue her for damages, and make the figures as large as you please.” “ Damages! What for?” “For robbing you of your husband, madame. It amounts to that.” “ And you actually advise me to sue that woman for money?” “I do.” “ Then I’ll do it!” she exclaimed vindictively. “I’ll make her pay Ids full value. Sue her as soon as you please.” “For what damages?” “I am an abused and insulted woman,” she repb'ed with dignity, ’’ but I am a conscientious one. Make trie damages about five shillings,”