The Man Who Saw Nothing.

Evening Star, Issue 8719, 11 January 1892, Page 4

The Man Who Saw Nothing.

Wonderful i 3 the variety of pleasures in Thrums. One has no sooner unyoked from his loom than something exhilarating happenr. In the same hour I have known a barn go on fire in the Marywellbrae, a merriment caravan stick on the Brig of the Kelpies, and a lord dine in the Quharity Arms parlor, the view of which Is commanded from the top of Hookey Crewe’s dyke. To reo everything worth seeing is impossible, simply because the days are not thirty-six hours long. Most of us, however, see our fill, Dite Deuciiars being the strange exception. A bad boy had Hung a good boy’s bonnet on to Haggart’s roof, and we had gone for it with a ladder. We were now sitting up there, to see what it was like. Conversation had languished, but Haggart said “Ay,” and than again “ Umpha,” as one may shove a piece of paper into a dying fire to make a momentary blaze. In thoyard the boys were now mapping out the ‘ Pilgrim's Progress’ with kail-runts. Women were sitting on dykes, knitting stockings. Snecky Hobart was pitting his potatoes. We could join him presently if Haggart refused to add to our stock of information; but the humorist was sucking in his lips, and then blowing them out—and we knew what that meant To look at his mouth rehearsing was to be suddenly hungry. We had planted ourselves more firmly on the roof when—

“Wha’s killing?” cried Hunan. The screech and skirl of a pig under the knife had suddenly shaken Thrums. “ Lookaboutyou’s killing,” cried Hite, turning hastily to the ladder. There followed a rush of feet along the tenements. Snecky Hobart flung down his spado, the two laddies plucked up the Slough of Despond and were off before him. Tho women fell off the dykes as it shot. “ You’re coming, Tammas, surely ? ” said Dite, already on the ladder. “JJot me,” answered Haggart, “If Lookabontyou Hfjes to kill without telling mo aforehand, I dinna gang near him.” “Come awa’, Davit, said Dite to Lunan,

“I dinna deny,” said Lunan, “but what my feet’s tickly to start; but this I will say, that it was as little as Lookaboutyon could have done to tell Tammas Haggart he was killing.” “ But Tammas badna speired ?" “Speir!” cried Haggart. “Let me tell you, Dite Deuchars, a humorist doesna speir; he just answers. But awa' wi’ you to the farm; and tell Lookaboutyon that if he thinks I’m angered at his no telling me he was killing, he was never mair mistaken.” “I wouldna leave you,” said Dite, “if you had been on your adventures, but you’re no ; and I’m so onlucky, I hardly ever see ony oncommon thing.” “On my adventures I’ll be in a minute, for the screaming o’ that swine calls to my mind an extraordinar’ meeting I had wi’ a coachfu’ o’ pirates.” “Sal, I would like to hear that,” said Pite, stepping on to the roof again, The squeals of the pig broke out afresh, “That’s m&ir than I can stand,” cried Dite, sliding down the ladder,. He ran a few yards, and then turned back undecidedly, “Is it a particler wonderful adventure, Tammas ?” we heard him cry, though we 6ou*d pot see him. Haggart pat his underlip firmly over the upper one. " You micht tell mo, Tammas,” cried the voice.

It was not for us to speak, and Haggart would not.

“I canna mak up my mjnd, ! ’ Lite continued sadly, “ whether to bide wi' you or to gang to the killing. If I dinna gang, I’m sure to wish I had ga’en; and if I gang, I’ll think the hale time about what I’m pilasipg." We heard him sigh, and then the clatter of bis heels,

“He's a lang time, though,” said Lnnan, “ In turning the close, We should see him when he gets that length,” “The onlucky orlttur’U be wavering in the close,” said Haggart, “ no able to make up bla uiiujd whether to gang on or torn baok. I tell yon, lads, to have twa piipdg is as confusing as twins." We saw Dite reach the mouth of the close,

where he stopped and looked longingly at us. Then he ran on, then he stopped again, then ho turned back.

"He’s coming back, after all,” said Lunan.

“ Ou, he’ll ha off again directly.” Haggart said, with acumen, as we discoursed the next minute, “ Ay, the body’s as ondeoided as a bairn standing wi’ a bawbee in its band, looking in at the window o' a sweetie shop.” We saw Dite take tho baok-wynd like one who had at last forgotten our counterattractions, but just as he was finally disappearing from view he ran into a group of women."

“ Tod, he’s coming back again,” said Lunan, breaking into the middle of Haggart’s story. “No wonder the orittur’s onlnoky!” Dite, however, only came back a little way. He then climbed the glebe dyke, and hurried off up the park. “ He’s fair demented,” said Lunan, “ for that’s as little the road to Lookaboutyou’s as it’s the road to the tap o’ this boose." The women sauntered nearer, and when they were within earshot Haggart stopped his narrative to shout:

“Susie Linn, what made Dite Deuchars take the glebe park ?” “ He’s awa to see Easie Pennyouick’s new crutches,” replied Susie. “The pridefu’ stock bus got a pair that cost twal and saxpence (so she says), and she’s inviting a’body in to see them.”

“ The wy she’s lifted up about those crutches,” broke in Haggart’a wife, Chirsty, from her window, “is hard to bear; and I kep I’ll no gang to look at them. ‘ Have y(ro seen my new crutches ?’ she says, as soon as her een lichtson you,” “That’s true, Chirsty, and she came into the kirk late wi’ them last Sabbath of set purpose. Well, we telt Dite tbout them in the back-wynd, and he’s awa to see them. He said Tho Lord beheors, if that’s no him coming back!” Dite had turned, and was hastening down the field,

“He’s changed his mind, again,” said Lunan. “ He’s off to the killiig, after all.” “ Hoy, Dite Dsuchars,” slouted Susie Liun.

Dite hesitated, looking fir± in the direction of Lookaboutyou’s, and then at us, “He’s coming here,” said one of the women.

“ He’s halted,” said another. “He’s awa’ to the killing at Lookaboutyou’a,” cried Susie Linn. " As sure as death he’s climbing into the glebe park again,” said Lunan. “Ob, the onlucky body !”

“ We maun turn our backs to the distracted critter,” said Haggart, “or I’ll never finish my adventure.” It was a marvellous adventure, with as many morals as Dite had minds; and when we had talked it over, as well as listened to it, we prepared to descend the ladder. “CT canny,” cried Haggart, “ there’s somebody coming up.” Dite Deuchars, flashed with running, appeared at tho top of tho ladder, “ Was it a big swine ?” asked Lunan, “ I didna gang to the killing, 1 heard that Easie Pennycuick ” “ Ay, and what thochl you of her crutches ?’’

“Truth to tell, Davit, I didna sea them, for I couldna make up my mind whether to gang to Easie’s or Lookaboutyou’s. They were both so enticing that in the tail o’ the day I sat down on the glebe dyke, despising mysel’ michty.” “And a despicable figure yon maun have been.”

“ Ay, but I’ve come back to hear your adventure, Tammas,” “ The adventure’s finished,” replied Haggart, “ and we’re coming down.” Dite tottered off the ladder.

“ Dagont t - ’ he cried

"Lot this bo a warning to yea,” said Haggart, “ that them that’s greedy for a’ thing gets naething.” Dite, however, was looking so mournful that the very bucket on which he sat down might have been sorry for him. “ Dinna tell me I’m an ill-gittit man,” he said dejectedly, “ for I’m no. A’ thing’s agin mo. I’m keener to see curious uncommon things than ony ane o’ ye, but do I see them? The day the doctor’s shalt flung him in the school-wynd, whaur was I ? Oh, wi’ my usual luck, of course, I had gone round by the banker’s close. On the bill, market day, I sat in the quarry for an hour, and naething happened. Sync I takes a dander through the wood, and no suner am I out o’ sicht than a ga’en-about-body flings himsel’ ower the quarry. Jeames M'Quhatty and Pete Dundas saw him, though they hadna been there a quarter as Ung as me. Sax month on end I’m as reglar at the kirk as if I got my living out o’ the minister, and naething wonderful occurs; but one single Sabbath I taka to my bed, and behold ! in the afternoon the minister swounds dead awa’ in the pulpit, When the show took fire in the square, was I there ? Na, na, yen may be sure I had been sent out o’ the wy to the fishing. Did I see Sam’l Robb fall off his boose? Not me, though wp bad been neighbors for a twalmonth. What was the name o’ the only man in the east town end that sleepit through the nlcht o’ tho weavers’ riot and never woke up till it was a’ ower? The name o’ that man was Dite Deuchars.”

“ Lad, lad, your’e onlucky; but I didra ken you had brooded on’t like this." “ I’ve brooded on’t till I’m a gey queer character. Tharaai Haggart, let me speir this at you. Afore you met the pirate coach, did you or did you not come to a cross road ?’’

“ Man, Dite, I mind I did ; but how did you ken ?'’ “ Ken ! I guessed it, I tell you, if I had been in your place, as sure as luck’s agin me I would hae ta’en the other road, and never fallen iu wi’ the pirates ava, That’s what it is to be an onlucky man. Tammas Haggart ” “Ay, Dite “There’s few things you dinna see humor in, but I think I kerj one that bests you.” “Namely, yoursel’, Dite?” “Namely, mysel'.”

“ No, Dite,” Haggart said thoughtfully ; “ I admit I see no humor in you. Ay, you’re a melancholy case. You had better gang awa’ to your bod.” “ Sic an onlucky man as me,” replied Dite, doggedly, “ doesna deserve a bed. I’m ga’eu to sit for an hour on this bucket an’ sneer at mysel’.”—J. M. Barrie, in the ‘ Speaker.’