Wit and Humor.

Evening Star, Issue 6915, 30 May 1885, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humor.

“ It is as plain as the nose on your face, and there’s no excuse for your overlooking it,” exclaimed a husband whose wife had forgotten to reduce the size of a button-hole in his shirt collar. “But, deary, how can I help overlooking the nose on tny face ?” was the patient and placating answer that set him wild.

“ How does it happen, Bridget, that there are as many feet of gascharged for this month as last, when Mi's Blossom and myself have been out of town three weeks ?” “ Shore an’ I can’t tell, sor, savin’ that whin the gintlemau came to luk at the mayther, there was six fate of coal and wood on top of It, an’ he obsarved that I needn’t bother widit, he’d take a luk at the precadin’ fingers. Maybe he added the six fate of woodand coal. I don’t know.” Too Good for a Clerk.—Dry goods merchant : “So, sir, you think you could learn to become a salesman ?” “ Yes, sir.” “ Well, suppose you were waiting on that man and his wife over there at the lacecounter. What would you do first ?” “ I should hold up the best piece of lace in the stock, and ask the man if he didn’t think it becoming to his daughter’s style of beauty.” “ Well, what then ?” “ Oh, nothing; the woman would take care of lie rest of it.” “ Young man, I don’t want you for a clerk. I want you for a partner.” In Houston they showed me affidavits stating that in Galveston the mosquitoes were so large as to be included in the Cow Ordinance,’while in Galveston I was told that the Houston mosquitos wore forty-five inch undershirts. There is probably a happy medium between the two. The truth is, that the coast-town mosquito rarely exceeds in size the ordinary Texas mockingbird.—[N.B.—When I left New York, I could not have told a lie to save my life; and here, after three days’ residence in Texas, this is what I have come to.]—“On a Mexican Mustang.” The burden of hard hitting; Slog away ! Here shalt thou make a “ five ” and there a “ four,” And then, upon thy bat shalt lean, and say : That thou art in for an uncommon score. Yea, the loud ring applauding thee shall roar, And then, to rival Thornton shalt aspire, When lo! the umpire gives thee “leg before,”— “ This is the end of every man’s desire!” A. Lakg ; “ Rhymes k la Mode.” Sometimes I sit and wonder, in my artless Japanese way, why it is I am so much more attractive than anybody else in the whole world. Can this be vanity 1 No ! Nature is lovely, and rejoices in her loveliness. I am a child of Nature, and take after my mother.—W. S. Gilbert: “ The Mikado.” • I wonder if that pair of gloves I won of you you’ll ever pay me! I wonder if our early loves Were wise or foolish, cousin Amy? I wonder if our childish tiff How seems to you, like me, a blunder ? I wonder if you wonder if I ever wonder if you wonder. —H. D Traill, ‘ ‘ Recaptured Rhymes, ”