HUMOROUS CLIPPINGS.

Evening Star, Issue 6262, 11 April 1883, Page 2

HUMOROUS CLIPPINGS.

“ Excuse this bit of sarcasm,” said Smith to Jones, “ but I must say that you are an infamous liar and scoundrel.” “Pardon this hit of irony,” said Jones to Smith, as he knocked him over with a poker. Landlady (to boarder who has passed bis cup six times): “You are very fond of coffee, Mr Smith.” Mr Smith; “Yes, ma’am, it looks as if I was, when I am willing to swallow so much water for the sake of getting a little.” An actuary gave a student the following advice: How to become practically acquainted with the “rule of three.” Live with your wife, mother, and mother-in-law. The man who turned around to take one long backward look at a pretty girl the other day was brought up rather suddenly when he bumped against his indignant wife. A Red-dy Answer. —Very red-haired passenger : “I say, guard, why on earth don’t the train go on ? ” Guard ; “ Good gracious, sir, put your head in; how can you expect it to go on while that danger signal is ont.” An old French wine-merchant on his death-bed, giving his last advice to his son, made the following significant remark:— “Always remember, my child, that wine may he made with anything—even grapejuice.” Scene—Eaton square. Date, 2 p.m., Christmas Day, 1882. Enter poor relation. Rich relation, log,: “ So glad yon have come early, because we dine at six to-day for the sake of the servants, so I shan’t have to send you away before we have had a chat.” Anglich: “If you’ve'come to dinner, you’ve made a mistake.” TWo ladies desired to purchase seats for Mrs Langtry’s exhibition at Harcrley’s Theatre, Philadelphia. “For what night, ladies?” quoth the gallant tioket-seUer. “ Oh, it doesn’t matter,” responded both in unison; “she acts just as badly in one play as in another. We only want to look at her.” A Frenchman praising an old lady for her beauty, she said that beauty was incompatible with age; to which he artfully replied “ We say as beautiful as an angel, and yet the angels are very antique.” The latest joke about King Kalakaua of the Sandwich .Islands is that be cannot help being a good man. The reason assigned m that his ancestors ate so mnch missionary -in their time that, it worked into their system and was transmitted to their descendants. Missionaries who are eaten are, after all, not wasted, it would appear. A well-minded pastor said a£ conclusion of his recent charity sermon 1 .: u The widows and orphans need not contribute.” The next Sabbath he supplied from the pulpit the following memorandum to his congregation :—“ The next time I preach a charity sermon I will say "nothing about widows and; orphans, for last Sunday my remarks had a deadly effeot. Nearly the whole congregation were suddenly deprived of husbands and fathers.” - ' A celebrated musical character, who was fully as ranch' distinguished bj the slovenliness of his noatume as for his professional - skill, was once invited to make one of a

to a maeqnenwit!. ;Hg objocte^l, alleging, ojnong otaer reasons, ma inawiDty to BupwftiXraptfr, and that he should be sure to ho discovered. " Oh, no, my dear Mr H said a witty lady who was present;* * ‘there’s 1 nO fear of tb^t— only go dean, and I dol sure ho one will know you. At a New York “mum sociable the other flight, all artifices, plans, dodges, subterfuges, and ' tricks resorted to by the ladles to a certain young man ,speak failed—all but ono. He offered to forfeit fidol ‘‘/or the good oj the cause” if they codld ihduch huh td' spptk a word Within mah hour. The tihie had nearly expired, when a young lady stole up behind him, and in a masculine voice whispered: ‘‘Bill, let’s go out and have Some whisky.” “All ngh ” and then ho checked himself; but it was too late. Alexandre Dumas was among the most decorated of authors. He was twitted for the number of patents of chivalry which were lying on his secretaire, and for the crosses, stars, and colored ribbons artistically arranged on the chimney-piece of his study. “ Why, my dear Dumas, exclaimed one of his friends, who deplored in secret the emptiness of hia own button-hole, “ what do all these baubles remind you of ?” “Oh! of the fable of the fox and the grapes 1” retorted the author of “ Monte Christo,” putting hia interlocutor to confusion. Mr Isaacs and Mr Blnmenthal kept rival clothing shops within a few doors of each other. Mr Isaacs was always to be found with his head out'of the door soliciting custom' from the verdant passer-by. Mr Blumeuthal objected to this shoddy manner of doing. business, having found! that the watchful Isaacs had captured several of his customers; and one day he went Up to Isaacs, and said: ‘‘Look here, Mr Isaacs, vy don’t you keep your ugly face inside ? You might petter get a jackass to stand py de door ; ne would pe a pig improvement.” “ Vy,” said Isaacs, “ I try dotvonce, undall de people, a? dey pass py, say to him ‘ Goodday, Mr Blumenthal, I tee you’ve moved.’ ” “Good morning, Fred,” said Brown; “how is your wife “ Yes,” replied Fred; “ better, but not out of danger. The doctor calls regularly every day.”