Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXXI, Issue 103, 3 May 1941, Page 15

Wit and Humour

The darkie was'passing a pet shop in New York. He noticed a parrot on a perch outside the store. Wide-eyed, -fat stepped closer to examine this strange sight. The parrot suddenly turned arid squawked at him: "Hey! What do you want?" : The darkie jumped back and 'lifted his hat. -:■" 'Scuse me, suhl" he gasped. "Ah thought yo' was a bird!" "I ordered a dozen oranges, but you only sent ymc ten." '^V'Partcpf pur •service; madam.. Two were bad, so we saved you the trouble of throwing them away." v '.»•/. ■:• : :.;■■•;sVi""- '■; • '-• -'■'■' '• ■•"' ' /;.:■•■. •'■•■ •■''• ; An :A.R.R; garden was rescuing a man from \ the debris ■of a: ftombed i'b^ding.V.---'As'':;.tKe^.^i<^iiii.:,w&s''::6xtri-' cated, he said: "For heaven's sake, ; giye rhe a drink!" i :■-./■ ■^iUr'.f;'J^i-:-i'^r.'V<.-:-^.: The warden was a man ot the Claude Dampier type, with a vacant expression, protruding teeth, varid ? the very best intentions. He: fumbled-in his pockets arid brpught out a parcel. "I haven't got a idrink on me," , he said apologeticaHy,;V'but here ; are some nice cheese sandwiches." / : From- somewhere in- England^comes: the story of, two rather elderly Home Guards who were marching abreast,: followed by their new corporal. • .-.<■■ "Now then," snapped the corpora^, very conscious of his two stripes, "one of you is out of step!" : ' "Aye, aye," replied one of the men, •Vbu't/TnV sure you dpn't know which' "And is she, really the trained singer she qlaims to be?" "Boyond, a doubt. She can sing 'Comin' Through the Rye' so that .nobody can tell what it is without 100k T ing at the programme." ; An old Southern' planter was discussing- the hereafter, with one of his servants. ■"■ -■ ■ '■■• ;:; '■'• •■■'; ■..■■ ■■'■ :■ . *■■■ ■ "Sam," he said, "if you die first I want you to come back and tell me what it's like over there. If I die first I'll come back and tell you what it's,like." ; \ ; '/["■: '■'■■■'■ '■'■■', .X, ":l "Dat suits me,. massa," replied the old negro, -"but if'you dies first, (Ah wants you to promise -me dat you'll come back in de daytime." .; F •: Two strangers in a first-class compartment were in. friendly ,coriversaiion. The windows had been closed by previous occupants, and the - desultory talk had drifted to the subject of ventilation. r k- ;.:,",." ■ ; "I make it," said one. "an invariable practice to advise people to sleep with their bedroom win«3ow ( s open all the year round." '!Ho,; ho!" laughed the other. "It. is easy to 'see your profession."; 1 "Indeed, and what do you think it ■fB?"Vv:-"V-'.■.;•■' ■.-.•■:■ ■■■.■■■.■•■: ■■;:> ■• ', -.a "It; is fairly obvious,".came the. reply in lofty -tones, "that you're a doctor." :"" " ■■'• ' i:;; ;. ' ' ' ' "Not at all!" retorted the first, very confidentially. "To tell you/ the truth, rm~-a burglar!" !; : ,; :.;. Grandpa was having his after-lunch; sleep ;in the armchair, and emitting sound , that might easily: have come from a crpssrcut saw. As father entered; the.room. ;he saw- little Billy twisting one of grandpa's waistcoat buttons:; ; v :> ■>'•.:- -■■:' -;;i; ;•■/■ ."What are you doing?".he whispered. "You mustn't disturb grandpa, Billy." "I'm not disturbing him. daddy,"; explained the child. ; "I was just trying to' tune him in on another; station." < Jones (dismally): Yes; I had a balance in the bank not long ago, but since I became engaged it has all gone. Friend: -Expensive game, eh? Never mind, Ijove makes the world go round, you know. ; Jones: Perhaps, but I never thought it would go round fast enough to make me lose my balance. {\ "How is it that- you are so late, Tommy?" "Late, sir? But yesterday you said it was never too late to learn." Teacher: Now, spell "straight." ■ .'. Small Pupil: S-t-r-a-i-g-h-t. Teacher: Correct! Now, what does it mean? ; Small Pupil: Without water. At; the Christmas party,- Gerald and Betty, had been playing one of those old-fashioned games with forfeits, and the girl had been ordered to give the young man ten kisses. > : "Let's, see." said Betty, pausing for breath, "that's seven, isn't it?" "Only six," corrected Gerald. "Seven. I think." "No, six." "Seven!" "Six" ' '■'■■'•• "Look here," said the girl weariiy, "sooner than have any argument we'd better start all over again." Sir Arthur Sullivan, of Gilbert and Sullivan fame, set out with a companion one afternoon to attend a tea at a house where he had been once before. When they reached the right street, Sir Arthur could not remember the house number. "Never tear. I will find it," he said. Then he proceeded to walk up to each door, give^ its bdot-scraper a ! gentle tap with his foot, arid listen closely to the tone it gave out. ;.; -:.'J -j "Here we are," he. said finally. ' "E flat—l remember the note from my last visit here."

The boy in the R..N.R. was determined to give away no secrets belonging to. the British Navy, even to his best girl. : - ' To her question: "What do you do on board?" he replied. "Wash down the decks," and to the next question, "What do you do ,after 'that?" he was ready with, "Oh, I clean the brasswork." ." '■ ■. ■.•■■:.. : •.-•.• ■ -,-,■• '• '■'/ ■'• But. when she persisted, "And after that??' he was nearly stumped. : , "Then," he said haltingly, "thenwell/ If weep the horizon.", An A.R.P. warden was giving .his household an elementary lecture ■'' in case of air raids. - ; ■ Afterwards he said to the young maid: "Is it all quiite. clear, Mary, what you have to do in case an incendiary bomb falls?" "Yes, sir," she replied, but rather doubtfully, "but it's going to be a sticky business ; using that syrup pump.";. .-■• j ;.;..-1..:'-.'V:'.-;.': .'.«,,>. , ■■ A'-.-yourig Polish pilot attached to the R.A.F. wished toi send a message of food will to a friend in a squadron etailed for a special job. The message he wanted to give was "God preserve, you," but not knowing how; to-express it in English, he cpnsulted a Polish-English dictionary. That dictionary gave him a choice of two words—^'preserve"- and "pickle." , He chose the,wrong one. A newspaper reporter was invited to take his first aeroplane trip with a stunt flyer "for the films. He was filled v with ,:dismal foreboding which increased when a parachute was strapped on: to him and he\was given careful instructions regarding its use. The stunt;man also wore a parachute, arid when he put a heavy leather coat on over it the reporter asked nervously: "How can you use the parachute with that coat on?" "Oh," replied the pilot nonchalantly, "I'd have plenty of time to take the /coat off when we fell." They went up and flew for several minutes, until, feeling warm, the stunt man began to remove his coat. "Hot, isn't it?" he said genially, but there was no reply. The reporter had jumped overboard. -The drunk hailed a taxi and fell into the back seat, "Shay, driver," he ordered, "drive me around the block a hundred times." The driver was startled, but he obliged just the same. Around and around the block they went. And on the sixty-fifth trip the drunk leaned forward. ' "Step on it, buddy," he hiccoughed. "I'm" in a hurry." ; Two farmers decided on a trip to town. After a round of sightseeing they entered a hotel. "We'd like to stay here for the night," said the elder. "Certainly," said ;the clerk. "Would you like a room with a bath?" The elder farmer hesitated. "Go on, Oliver," urged his friend, "be a sport. We only live once." A German plane had been shot down and the pilot, who baled out, reached terra firma badly wounded. He' received due care. and attention at the local hospital, and the doctor finally ■said:— ■. ,•.">■ ■■'■ . ■;..■.: -.-■ "There now, you're all nght. You'll be a bettter man than ever you were before." ' •'How is that?',' asked Fritz. "Because,, my lad," said the surgeon, slapping him . .heartily y6n the back, "I've pumped a piny of good Jewish blood into you!" 7 The novice boxer nad been badly battered in the first round. His second tried to cheer him up. "Good boy," he said, "you're doing fine." ■ He fared even worse in the second round. Still his second remained optimistic. ■.'■'■* "You were great that time," he said. "He barely laid a glove on you." The novice looked puzzled. As he went out for the third round he turned to his second: "Better keep your eye on the referee this time," he said. "Somebody is hitting me." ■A porter had been struggling for some time to coax a mule to enter a railway van. At last one of the people on the platform, who had been watching the performance, came up to him and asked:— ■- "Can I help you at all?" "Yes," replied the porter, wearily wiping his brow. "Just tell me how Noah got two of these into the Ark!" Binks: I'm the happiest man in the world. I have the best wife in the country. : Banks: Well, who wouldn't be happy with his wife in the country? SPEAKING OF, UNIONS. "Hey, what are you doing?" yelled the foreman. ' "I'm just sharpening a pencil," called back the bricklayer. "Well, don't let anybody see you. That's a carpenter's job, you know." An elephant out for a stroll in the i jungle encountered a mouse. "By Jove!" said the elephant. "You look dashed small." , "Well," said the mouse,-'Tvife, just had the flu, and you know how that pulls a man down." Doctor's Wife: You seem to make a' habit of telling your: patients to give up smoking and drinking, dear. Doctor: Yes, my love. It gives them more chance to pay my bills.