Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXXI, Issue 97, 26 April 1941, Page 15

Wit and Humour

A NEW COMPETITION DESCRIBE A BUhICH OF FLOWERS

IN MEMORY

The conductor was rehearsing a new musical play.

"That's far too loud," interrupted the producer. . "I can't help it," returned the conductor. "It calls for forte." / "Never mind that," answered the producer. "Make it thirty-five,"

Three Canadians, sleeping in a tent in one of the English training areas last summer, were rudely awakened by a terrific crash not far away.

"What was that—thunder or bombs?" asked one.-

"Bombs," was'the laconic answer. "Thank heaven for that!" chimed in the third. "I thought we were going to have more rain!"

An old farming couple had two evacuees billeted on them. Soon the cat disappeared, and the old dame asked if they had seen it.

"Yes, we drowned it," was the prompt reply, "and we don't like your old man either."

"Do you think you could spare me a bite?" said the tramp to the sternfaced landlady of the .George and Dragon inn.

.The landlady's eyes flashed. "Certainly not!" she-snapped. The tramp, resigned, trudged away. A little while afterwards, however, he was back in the bar.

"Well, and what do you want now?" asked the landlady. The tramp looked apologetic. "Could I have a few words with-George?" he asked.

An American staying at a certain coast resort had an engagement to play golf with a friend who did not' put in a punctual appearance.

The American, who was waiting on the first tee, decided to go to the club house and telephone »to his partner, and, not wishing to take his heavy kit with him, he said to a bystander:

"Excuse me, but would you look after these clubs till I come back?" *

"Sir," rejoined the bystander with ruffled dignity, "I'd have you know I'm the Mayor of this town." "Never mind. "I'll take the risk."

There had been a bad raid the night before, and the vicar" was out viewing the damage.

.. "It is very sad, indeed,", he said to a local "character." "Just look at the number of churches which are being destroyed." i ,

"Ay," said the other. "And just think of the pubs that are being destroyed too—that's . much worse!"

The vicar drew himself up. "I don't think I want to discuss that— —" he began coldly.

"Well," said the "character,"., "you can get a service over the wireless, but 111-be hanged if you can get a pint!"

Sergeant (on rifle range): And remember, the new bullet will penetrate two feet of solid wood, so remember to keep your 'cads down!

Myrtle: John's got his Home Guard uniform now, and he's dying for a parachute jumper to come along.

Phyllis: Well, why don't you knit him one?

, "I say, look at the horrible insignia on the side of that bombing plane."

"Shhhhh, not so loud. That's the squadron commander looking out the window."

"Two bags and a hatbox," said the tourist who was travelling for the first time in Scotland, on arriving at a little wayside station. The porter mournfully collected the articles 'and put them on board a. cab. "And, by the way, porter," said the passenger, "what do they usually give you here for a tip?"

The porter jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "See yon; big hoose among the trees?" he asked.

"Yes, but what has that got to do with it?"

"Weel, that's the workhouse, and it's fu' o' auld railway porters."

"Do you know .who I am?" shouted th,e irate genera!to the Australian who had neglected to' salute him.

"Do you know who 1 am?" he persisted, as the soldier looked blankly at him.

"Here, boys," said the Australian, turning to his friends. "Here's something good. A general who doesn't know his own name!'' . '

A modern young lady found hersell for the weekend with a notoriously strait-laced country family in Fearing that the pyjamas she wore might be considered improper, she carefully hid them every morning when she got up. But one morning at breakfast, she suddenly realised that she had forgotten them, that they were lying brazenly on her bed. Excusing herself, she rushed to her room. The pyjamas had disappeared.

While she was feverishly hunting for them, looking vainly through closets and drawers, a dour, elderly maid appeared and surveyed the scene. "If it's the pyjamas you're looking for, Miss," she said, "I put them back in the young gentleman's room."

A girl of twenty who contemplates marrying a man of forty, says a clergyman, should remember that when she is forty he will be sixty, It is, of course, better for a girl of forty to marry a man of twenty—then they'll reach sixty round about the same time.

It happened that two separate Army wedding receptions were given at the same time in a West End hotel in adjoining rooms, and (his Jed to confu sion, as some of the guests got int. the wrong rooms. At length it was decided to throw open the dividing partitions and make one party of the two. A little later a waiter approached an officer who was standing against the wall in a semi-dazed condition, and offered him champagne. "No, thank you," he replied. "I'm not feeling very well. In fact, I can see two brides already."

Officer: How long - did it take you to learn to drive a motor-ear*?' Private: Oh, three or four. Officer: Weeks? .. Private: No, sir—motor-cars! ,

Employer (interviewing applicant for job): Know anything about electricity? "Yessir." "What's an armature?" "A chap who' boxes' for nothin'l"

A member of a ladies' aid society in a small town went to the bank to deposit, as she told the bank clerk, "some aid money."

Unfortunately, the clerk thought she said "egg money," and replied: "Remarkable, isn't it, how well the old hens are doing these days?" !

And even now he doesn't know why he received an icy look as the good lady swept out of the bank.

It was a dramatic moment in the play when, with fiery denunciation, the hard-hearted ' father was about to thrust his erring daughter out of the house for ever.

"What can 1 do?" Where can 1 go?'; sobbed the girl.

There was a tense silence. Then, amid the sobs, rose the shrill voice of a woman in the gallery: "Never mind, luv. You come 'orae with me!"

• Waiter: What about a chop, sir?. Traveller: I never eat chops. Waiter: In that case, sir, dinner is over.

The mouth-organ was claimed by three soldiers, and the sergeant decided to arbitrate.

"I'll play a tune on it," he said. "You tell me what the tune is, and the one who's right gets the mouth-organ."

A weird medley oi sounds followed, and guesses were made, "I think Bert's won," said the sergeant. "He was nearest with 'Roll Out the Barrel.' What I "was playin' was 'As Pants the Hart for Coolin'. Streams'!"

Some Jerry planes were overhead, and the sirens had sounded. A figure strolled carelessly down the main street of the country town. An A.R.P. warden called out to him. "Take cover! Can't you hear those sirens?"

The stroller took his pipe out of his mouth.

"Yes, I heerd 'un," he replied placidly, "but these sirens 'ere ain't nuthin' to me. I'm only 'ere for the market. I lives over at Slocomb, and them's the sirens I 'as to listen for!"

Husband (irritably): That's the second time you've asked what trumps are, dear.

Wife (sweetly): Well., you want me to show a little interest in the game, don't you, dear?

Brown was getting into his overcoat. ■'

"Are you going out, dear?" asked his wife in surprise. "1 thought you were in for the evening."

"Well, I was," admitted her husband, "but that fellow across the road has lost his corkscrew and has just telephoned to know if I can lend him one."

"Send Mary with it," suggested the lady. "There's no need for you to go with it."

He turned upon her more in sorrow than in anger.

"My dear," he said gently, "your last remark sums up the whole reason why woman cannot lead armies, control nations, or take anything but a subordinate part in the affairs of the world."

An elderly lady had been to hear her nephew for the first time, and she thought it a very poor sermon.

Later that day she asked: "James, why did you enter the ministry?"

"Because I was called," he answered.

"James;" said the old lady anxiously, looking solemnly at him, "are you sure it wasn't some other noise you heard?"

"How was your vegetable garden this summer?" "Magnificent! We had it for lunch on Monday."

Visitor: I- hear that you had an actor eniployed on your farm?

' Farmer: Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was working all the time he was here.

Adam (being shown through the house): Where's the library? Marshall: It's circulating among my friends.

The young subaltern joined a famous regiment, and the adjutant was giving him one or two instructions. "You must grow a moustache!" he barked. "Yes, sir."

"And not one of those miserable five-a-side affairs. A proper moustache."

"Yes, sir."

There was a silence for a minute, THen the subaltern asked meekly: "Any particular colour, sir?"

A school teacher was inculcating principles of morality and religion in the minds of her young charges, and said: "Now, children, if you do right always you will each have a gold crown t.o wear some day. Just think of that!"

"Yes," said a young Jewish pupil, "my father always does right, and he has a gold crown."

"He has?" asked the teacher. "I know your father well, but I never saw him wearing a crown of gold."

"Oh, no," was the answer "he doesn't year it on his head —he years it on his tooth!"

Cheerful Patient (looking up from his periodical in dentist's waitingroom): Well, we seem to be winning the war all right But, I say, who is this bloke Kruger?

A Londoner was walking in the black-out through a neavy ba.'rage the other night when something whizzed down and struck the road behind him.

He stopped and. seeing a cylindrical object on the asphalt," ran No explosion followed, so he returned .autiously, and this time any . doubts he may have had were set at rest.

From the cylindrical object came a hissing sound, and in the light of the gun flashes he could make out a thin column of vapour rising in the air. The man arrived at his home nearby out of breath, and had an anxious night waiting for the burst. But no explosion followed. In the early dawn, going put to investigate again, he found that the "bomb" was his own vacuum flask.

This had slipped out of his overcoat pocket as he ducked to avoid a piece of A.-A. shell. The hissing sound was caused by the escaping steam from the coffee, the cork having worked loose.

"Is it true that it cost £100 to have your family tree looked up?"

"Well, not exactly—£s to have it looked up and £95 to have it hushed up."

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THE wind child played a merry tune on his pipe as he -raced through the park one autumn day. The leaves heard. They quivered first, then they danced until, in their mad .vhiri, they forgot Mother Tree and drifted off in. a golden shower. Pale sunlight shimmered on the cold, dark waters of the pond, Except, where evergreens stood sturdily about, the lawns, there was a tracery of grey branches and bare twigs.

The wind child was full of mischief today. He lifted the white hair of an old man who s«at in his favourite seat, .tie romped with a small boy and so infectious was the spirit of fun that the boy's mother almost spanked him for naughtiness, At last old man, child, and passers-by had gone and the wind child, left alone, danced about the lily-pond trying, as often as he had tried before, to attract the attention of the Dancing Girl who stood poised in the centre oi the pond.

She stood with one small foot almost touching the water, holding out her full skirt with one hand, the other reaching towards the lily leaves that floated beneath her. She was a silvergrey shadow girl who never seemed to hear the music of the wind child. Not a glance did she give h*im so off he went again to tease the leaves.

Most of them had already danced their last. Some had be^en swept in golden piles before the gardener's broom. Some had fallen into the lilypond to form an inner frame of gold at its.^rim. Except for one tiny space they formed a perfect circle.

Now no one knew that this was no ordinary lily-pond, Every autumn when the circle of golden leaves was complete, the pond became enchanted and any wish uttered at its grey stone rim came true in a breath. Not even the wind child knew this but sometimes troubled folk, wandering near, had wondered tha* their wishes had come crue so miraculously.

One golden leaf hung upon a slender twig. It might have been fashioned of precious metal, so finely drawn was each line and point and so clearly was it tinted from pals amber to flame. He clung fast to the twig and tried not

to hear the silver piping of the wind child. Often he had found himself longing to follow his companions who had never come back but somehow he had always resisted the wind music by clinging with all his strength to the tree. As long as he clung there he could see the Dancing Girl and he wanted nothing else, even though.

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THE ANZACS. (Original.) The Anzacs, brave soldiers, They set forth to light., To fight for their country ■ Through both day and night. They landed through bullets, Day rfrawinp near, A long night of horror, A nißht full of fear. They fought for their country, The battle was won; So ended the fighting Those brave men bad done. Still honoured those heroes, Their fame shall abide, And ever remembered The gallant who died. "GOLDEX GLIMMER." City. A

.uiimimiiiiimimiiimiminmimmmm AUTUMN WIND.

(Original.)

All around and up and down Goes the Lady-of-the-Wlnd, in her silken

gown, Rustling me tree-tops, shaking the flowers, Scattering all the gentle showers, Making angry the rolline waves, Then darting awa.v and hiding in caves. Laughing, jumping, skipping about. Making the people too angry to shout, • But when night comes she heaves a sigh And hurries away to her home on high, While her sister, /the gontle little breeze, Lulls to sleep the birds in the trees. "MOON MIST" (IS).

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miinmiiiiuiimmmmimimiimiimu FIRE PICTURES. (Original.) When I am alone On cold, tvet nights. And I'm sitting by .the fire, [ see some lovely slghis. There are tittle lighted passages, And little flaming caves, ... ' And lots of little men As busy as the slaves. • They carry little lumps of coal Upon their little backs, Then they hurry down the passages And bring up empty sacks; I think there are some people Living in those caves, . And the little men are servants And work as fairy slaves. "WIZARD OF OZ" (10). Eastbourne. p

imminmmiimmiiimuimmmmmiumiii SEASONS. (Original.) Spring comes a'sldpplng on dainty feat. Touching lightly each tiny flower, Opening all the delicate petals. As If by some miraculous power. Summer comes waltzing witti'j light, poised steps, • , . With the butterflies and the birds and the bees: Through the gardens perfumed with flowers And into the woods In the shade of the trees, Autumn comes whirling carefree and gay. In a beautiful gown of red and gold, / She gathers the crops in the harvest-time, Then onward she dances, merry and bold. Winter conies dashing in chariot of ice, 'Midst the twirling snowflakes white, In the hungry, howling wind She comes—and stays through the dreary night. ' ' "MOTHER BEAR" (12). Lower Hutt.

from his place on the bough, he could not see her dqwn-lurned face—only her curls and her long out-stretched hand. ; ;'v ■■'"' ■'■~.' i

The leaf remembered the spring morning when he, pale and newgreen, had first beheld her. The park had been veiled in a silvery gauze of morning mist. Then a sudden

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ELFIN ONES: 1. Tonight you will find Autumn in the Ring. Two of our best artists have tried to capture the gipsy maid witth their sketching pencils, and I think you will agree that they fcjave succeeded very well. Both are beautiful pictures for your scrapbooks. Coloured with all the warm tints in Autumn's paint-box, they would make cheery pictures for the cover or first page of your book. And because yesterday was our Day of Remembrance, somewhere in our Ring tonight you'll find two little poems written by Ring versemakers whose thoughts have been with the Anzacs. Yesterday, with drooping flags and silver busle notes, we honoured the men of Flanders fields, Anzac Cove. Gallipoli. and this time our thoughts were also with the Anzacs of today, whose battle deeds in the mountains of Greece are stirring the world. Again next v[eek, Pixies, you'll find Autumn in the Ring, for there was not space enough to fit in all the best work tonight. My love to all of you. ... I am looking forward to hundreds of competition entries next week! FAIRIEL.

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Autumn

(An Original Poem by "Daisy Dawn," KarorL)

Now in the deepest shade is seen A berried spray among the green, For, softly in the dewy morn, Just when the"softest winds are born, 1 saw her stoop among the thorn, And now the spray upon the tree Has turned to red, so glowingly . . . And soon the crocus, too, around, Will make, a carpet o'er the ground. So, carefully, to make no sound, She's walked upon this woodland■''fair, And now the green leaves everywhere, Caressed by Autumns outstretched hand, Are golden leaves upon the land, Made golden by a Pixie Band.

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lllllllllllllfllllllllllllllllllfflllllllllUllllllll AUTUMN. (Original.) Autumn Is a glad time, a merry time, so Bay. { A busy time for woodlafid -xfolk for each tiny, fairy fay. There is each leaf on every tree to paint a vivid red, Or orange, or perhaps gold, before winter comes ahead. Autumn flowers to: open, chrysanthemums gold— Glorious in the morning—each petal must unfold. The squirrels scurry hero and there to find '' their acorns sweet And*"hide them In storage for ■a' toothsome" winter treat. "MOTHER BEAR" (12). , Lower Hutt.

shaft of sunlight, had fallen across the lily-pond and she had appeared, .like some airy sprite, to turn all the park into a lacery of green. Since then he had watched her through every hour of the day; fresh and almost living in the clear morning air, dancing in the raindrops, in the dusk shadows, and lovelier still in the moonlight above-* her gleaming pool. Now he was sad for it was time for him to go. He felt envious of the wind child who tried in vain to ruffle her curls. He hated the. music that made him want to dance. Oh, here came that piping mischief again! He must cling with all his strength. The wind child, seeing the solitary leaf, made up his mind- that it must fall. He played as he had never played before. He piped softly so that the golden leaf became drowsy and almost dropped, he played elfin tunes so bewitching that, the leaf wanted to twirl faster than the silver notes. How the wind child piped! At "last, weary and weak, the; last leaf floated down, from the tree like a tired" butterfly' and, with a cry of triumph, the wind child stole away to sleep.

In the dying breeze the leal fluttered across the grass to the lily-pond He was glad that though his life was finished he could now look up at the happy smiling face of the. dancing girl. With a last flutter he dropped over the rim and lay with his brothers on the surface of the pond. "If only I might stay here always!" sighed,,the leaf. And because he was the last leaf in the magic chain and the golden circle about the lily-pond was now complete, his wish was granted. He felt new life singing through him. He sank down into the soft, cooling water. His glorious colour flamed more deeply than before and he had the power of movement. He could move more swiftly. even; than -the .wind child for he had become a goldfish! There was a spell . upon the park at that moment as the first star peeped curiously between the lily'leaves. And there in that twilight did the Dancing Girl bend over the shadowy water to watch a small goldfish as he swam past? .

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Another week is given for boys and girls who wish to enter (or the Autumn bowl competition. All you have to do is to describe the flowers you would choose and the bowl you would arrange them in. Make a bright - word-picture of a bowl of autumn flowers or foliage. You may make it any length up lto, but not more than, 500 words. Address entries Jo Fairiel, The Fau7"iMng, "Evening Post," before next Saturday, May 3. , . . .r •'•• ', \- '■■' ' *

(Original.)" '"• " ' New Zealand is the scabbard from which your souls were^ drawn, | Upright, proud, and noble, proud as Excalibur. i

Given for your country on that gloomy April morn, For you perished in the storming of Galiipoli's dark shore. - Now a white cross, and a mound from which the green grass springs, ■■'; Marks the spot where England's heroes nobly lived and nobly died. And mayhap that Unknown Soldier, sleeping in the House of Kings, Was an Anzac from New Zealand, our country and our pride. "LONESOME STRANGER." City. Hlllll!II!lllIliUllIflli|UIMII!IIIIIIIIIIII!i!rC Fairiel Sends An Answer T0... "Lady\'of- the Clouds," City.—Those tawny chrysanthemums are as cheerful as,"a fire ;In the Ring. I think it must be easy fo fill and describe an autumn bowl from your garden. A big thank-you. "Cloudy Ladvt" "Rosy Morn." City.S-Such a perky pair, tnojfo two tiny budgerigars. You must have befea sorry to say good-bye to them Your verses will be printed soon, "Rosy Morn." "Bonny," Lower Hutt.—perhaps the playful kitten thought that the doll's house had. been made specially for him. "What a surprise the rascal must hay zWoa you I ' ' * "Sunray Sally," Thorndon.—Was the fain" of the orchid the same one who crept Into yc\ir blackberry drawing? You cave sketched her gossamer daintiness very cleverly-. ~. and what a quaint poem it is! "Yellow Wattle." Seatoun.--We'll try to find you a penfriend. elf. Welcome ba:!t after a very long absence. We hope there'll be lots more letters from this Seatonn member. "Peg o' My Heart," Ngaio.—So it was you! .. What,tun 'o read about it. ..Pixie pennajpea are a great secret.-In fhe Uln? dear. It wouldn't do to tell I But you f'*-got to arrange your autumn flowers in -* rase or a bowl. Try again, "Peg " 1 j 1111 il9 E118131111113 i IU1111! 111 . WELCOME, NEW ELVEJS . .. "Laburnum Lady" (9) Karorl "'Princess Lily n (11) Island Bay "Jolly Imp" (13) City "Rose of the Mist" (10)'.... Newtown "Silver Mist" (10) . Newtown iinimiuummimmmmr "Nanna," City.—Good news that your pixie cap turned out a success. irLassie" has sent the pattern for knitted smocking and I know you'll want to try that. Love from the Ring. "Kathleen W.," Lower Hutt.—Our next special page Is the Birthday Ring, Kathleen, so you may begin to work for it. \a slory, a poem, or a drawing with a birthday touch may find a corner. "Bonnie W.," Lower Hutt—l think you were very brave to go for a dip last weekend, Ronnie. - .-Letterbox Elf had put away his bathers for the winter, but now you've given him the idea he thinks he'll take them cut again. - ■' ' "Rose of the Mist," Newtown.—We did expect some mist people In the Ring these autumn days and "Daisy Dawn" has made 4" pic-* ture of the mist . maidens.- -' Watch for it soon. Elves under twel7e need' not use Indian ink for drawings. "Jim D.," Roseneath.—Thank you for sending your cousin's English letter, .Tim.' What adventures she Is having. I'm so glad "Gitfdy," the kitten, was rescued. Do you think they called her "Giddy" because she was always chasing her tail? "Robin," Miramar.rrHow, nicely you write for a very ymmg elf,"> Jpcelyn. I like .the verses about the'clock Very,much. Do you know them by heart? "Silver Mist," Newtown.—We all welcome you to the Ring tonight. Naomi. First letters are usually not=> very^lonß: 'Jttfdi Letterbox. Elf, jfc looking forward. fe:*,a.;fat, envelope .from, thvs I mushroom-next-week: - Don't forget, to-.tell i us if you write stories, verses, or if jou UJ£« drawing best.