Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXXI, Issue 92, 19 April 1941, Page 17

Wit and Humour

The Guards recently received as a recruit a young man of education and culture who had failed /to make good in other vocations. On his first day on the parade ground he was utterly exhausted by several hours of marching up and down. "Stand at ease!" ordered the officer at last. "Plow wonderful is death!" muttered the recruit. The officer turned like a flash. "Who said that?" he demanded. The culprit smiled wanly as he replied: "Shelley, I believe, sir." "Where is the manager's office?" asked the paint salesman. "Follow the passage," someone directed, him, until you come to the sign reading 'No Admittance.' Go upstairs till you see the sign 'Keep Out. Follow the corridor till you see the sign 'Silence, then yell for him." He was very fond of a game of golf, but unfortunately his skill was not as great as his enthusiasm. He was just coming to play his tenth stroke between holes very much in the rough, when he turned angrily to his caddie. "Look here," he exclaimed, "why do you keep looking at your watch?" The caddie grinned. "It ain't a watch, sir; it's a compass. The politician, sporting a brand-new hat, stepped upon a soapbox in one of the city's toughest districts. He cleared his throat. "Ladles and gentlemen," he began. That was as far as he got. An over-ripe tomato sped from the secondfloor of a tenement house and landed squarely on the politician's face. The startled speaker looked up and discovered a sullen-faced woman glaring down at him from a second-storey window. . . "Madam," complained the politician, "what's the idea of assaulting me with a tomato?" The woman fingered a second tomato. , j „ , "That will teach you, mister,' she scowled, "to take your hat off when addressing a lady!" "How do you afford such long holidays?" "Easy! One month on the sands and eleven on the rocks." "It's a dreary place this," said one soldier stationed in a provincial town to another, "the only sign of life is smoke issuing from the crematorium chimney." His mother-in-law had written to say that she was on the way to stay with them for the duration of the war. As she approached the house she saw a large crowd. Pushing her way to the front, she gasped when she saw what a bomb had done the night before— at the heap of bricks and ruined furniture. "Gracious!" she cried, her face livid. "I didn't think he'd go so far as that." Jones: They tell me that silk stockings were invented in Queen Elizabeth's time. Smith: Maybe, but they weren't discovered until the twentieth century! Tourist (at roadside spring): Is this tin cup sanitary? Native: Well, I reckon it must be. Everybody uses it. Wife (in back seat): Can't you. drive a. little faster, dear? Husband: I can, but I'm not going to. This darned car is so expensive to run that I've got no money to spend when we get to where we're going. The drunk staggered into the hotel lobby and reeled up to the desk clerk. ■"I want what I want," he asserted, "an' no argumentsh!" "Very good, sir," said the clerk. "What, did you wish, sir?" The stew waved a hand. "I want a room on the sixth floor," he. demanded. "An' another room right acrossh the hall from the first room." "That's odd!" cried the amazed clerk, "Why do you want two rooms, one across the corridor from the other?" The drunk slapped the desk. "Because,"' he hiccoughed, "in case anything happensh, I wanna be near myself!" The following is an extract from a letter written by an "evacuated" London schoolteacher: "My children .. . are wild little creatures, 80 per cent, of whom have been through the Battle of London up to date. But they have the Cockney air of defiance. Yesterday we came across the line. 'Oh, to be in England!' I waited for someone to go on, I but no sign. Then I said, 'That is the I first line of a famous poem. Do you j know who wrote it?' 'Hitler!' someone shouted. There was a wild yell of joy from the whole room." "Yes," said the little man in the corner of the carriage, "a friend of mine with a cousin at the War Office told me all about Hitler's secret weapon." "What is it?" asked several of his audience, vastly intrigued. "Well," said the little man, "he's going to make a new pact with someone. Then he's going to stick to his word and observe the pact—and the shock will kill all his enemies!" Office Boy: Please, sir, I think somebody wants you on the telephone. ■ Chief: Now, what is the use of saying you ■ think I am wanted. Am I wanted or not? "Well, sir, somebody rang up and said: 'Is that' you, you old idot?/ -- i

Harriett had been to Sunday school many times, but recently she made her first visit to church during regular services. The opening prayer, it happened, was offered by a' man who put his whole soul into his plea. The prayer was so earnest, in fact, that again and again from the congregation came fervent expressions of "Amen." Harriett nudged her mother. "What is it, dear?" the mother asked. "Everybody is saying 'Amen,'" replied Harriet, "and I just wonder why the man doesn't stop." Smith and Brown had been discussing the effect colour had on the human brain. Sometimes it soothed, often it irritated, occasionally it roused temper. "I have heard," remarked Brown, "that colour-blind people seldom lose their tempers." "Quite true," grinned Smith. "They are unable to see red." "Mose, why isn't Sam at work this morning?" "Boss, dat man's in de hospital." "In the hospital!" "Yassuh. Fo' ten days now he's been eayin' he gonna lick his wife for naggin', and las' night she done overheard him. Cat's all." ONE STEP FURTHER. Anger shone in the eyes of the thinfaced woman as she stalked iato the butcher's shop. "I believe you sell diseased meat here!" she said nastily. "Worse than that," replied the butcher blandly. "Worse! What do you mean?" The butcher leaned towards her and said in a stage whisper: "All the meat we sell here is deceased, madame." A young barrister was speaking for the defendants in a civil action, and his long-windedness was obviously boring the Court. The leader for the plaintiff scribbled a note and passed it along to the talkative youth. He, however, did not read it immediately* A frown wrinkled the Judge's brow. He told th^e usher to pass up the message for his inspection. It was noticed that the writer of the note looked acutely uncomfortable at this order. The Judge read the message, folded it again, and passed it back to the young counsel. "I think this note will be of interest to you," said his Lordship, grimly. "It was to me." The counsel opened the note and was astonished to read this message: "Sit down. Can't you see the old idiot is with you?" "In your sermon last Sunday," said the stout woman to the minister, "you said that constant dripping would wear away a stone." "Quite right." said the minister. "Well, I've eaten it with every meal since and I've put on more weight than ever." Dried meat, dried fruit, dried milk, and now dried eggs Cone-seventh in volume) to save shipping space. Next step, please: Dried stomachs will save space in lifts, trams, and trains, and wasteful consumption of clothing fabrics. This story concerns a rehearsal years ago of Hall Caine's "The Bondsman." at Drury Lane. The author had ventured on a few suggestions to the leadinglady. He said: "At the beginning of the speech. 'No one can saj' you're wrong.' I would like you to stand here. You don't mind, do you?" "Oh. dear. no. Mr. Came," replied Mrs. Pat Campbell with much sweetness. "My greatest desire is to achieve success for your sake. By the way M have you written anything before?" The weary travellers were lost in the desert. The sun blazed down on the gleaming sands. Suddenly the first traveller's mind went blank. He raised his eyes to the sky. "Look!'" he.shouted deliriously. "Look at the stairs! They lead to a roof—and on that roof is a glass of iced water. I'm going to climb up!" The second traveller tried to stop him. "Don't talk like that!" he im-. plored. "Stop it, or you'll drive us both insane!" But his companion shook himself) loose ."Don't try to hold me!" he | rayed. "I'm going to climb up those stairs, i tell you. I see a glass of water on the roof." He stood in one spot and began to raise his legs as though climbing jstairs. On and on he went, always standing in one spot After a time he paused to rest. "Getting near the top now," he panted. "Just a few more minutes and i I'll be on the roof. Then I'll have my glass of-—" His voice trailed off. He saw his companion standing beside him.; "What's this?" he screamed. "You're here, too? How did you beat me up here?" The other smiled wisely. "I'm not i as crazy as you!" he cried hoarsely. "I took the lift!" I A typical example of the unconquerable Cockney spirit: A famous city tavern, windows shattered, has the following notice posted up where the windows once stood: "Open as usual." The little tea-shop next door, windows also shattered, has gone one better, and announces cheerily: "More open than usual." I

DANCING LEAVES

(Copied.) v Red Leaf, Yellow Leaf, and Orange Leaf danced on the tree together. Wind said: "Who-ob-oo! I am going t6 blow you off the tree 1" "You can't do that," saifi the Leaves. "We are going to stay here for ever and ever." "Make us fiance. Wind," they Said. But the wind had gone. Along eaitie the snow. "Sh-sh*sb! I'm going to null you off the (fee." "You cannot do that," said the Leaves. Jack Frost Said, "I shall pinch you off the tree." "Xo! You can't,' cried the Leaves. "Hullo I Not yet in bed?" asked Wlrtd. "No. We're going >.o dance for ever," cried Red Leaf, Yellow Leaf, and Orange Leaf, But the wind had blown them about, thd snow had pulled them, aud Jack Frost had pinched them, so they had to let go. The fairies found them and tucked them up In a warm blanket of snow. Next spring three little green buds woke to the sunshine. "Hullo,1 brother!" they cried. It was Red Leaf, "Yellow Leaf, and Orange Leaf again. Found by "BUSH ELF" (11). Silverstream.