Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXX, Issue 108, 2 November 1940, Page 17

Wit and Humour

MISUNDERSTOOD

THE REASON,

The cry "Man overboard!" was heard. I Immediately the boats were lowered and a long but vain search was made When the boat crews had returned a roll was called and the mystery deepened Nobody was missing. At last a very scared looking A.B approached the officer of the watch

"I think, sir, as ow the man over board cnusi ha' been me." he said "I went over, but I managed to grab the anchor chain and climbed in again"

"Then why didn't you report to me at once?" asked his superior angrily

"I would ha' done. sir. but being in one of the lifeboats' crews, i had to go away to look for a man overboard."

i "When I can't sleep I drink a glass of whisky every hour during the night."

"And do you flnd that a good cure for insomnia?"

"Not particularly. But it makes it worth while staying awake."

The customer in the jeweller's shop asked to see alarm clocks.

"Yes, madame." replied the salesman. "A new supply is just in. About what price?"

"I don't mind so much about the price," said the customer. "What i want is the kind of clock that wiU wake the maid without disturbing the whole family."

The assistant shook his head.

"I'm sorry madame," he told her. "1 don't know of any clocks of thatkind. We just stock the ordinary ones which wake the whole family without disturbing the maid."

A northern farm-hand went to work for a Texas rancher. There had been a long drought and every man on the ranch was hoping for rain. One day it started to sprinkle, and the farmhand, to show his delight, began to dance in the rain.

Hey, you." shouted the ranchowner, "come in out of the rain!" "Oh, I don't mind it a bit," called back the farm hand.

'That isn't the point," insisted the rancher. "I want every drop of that water to fall on Texas."

The modern but no means modest author gazed at the-inscription denoting the house in which Milton lived I wonder." he mused, "what they wiHjiut on my house after my death?" To Let,'" replied his wife tersely

An important business firm was carrying out official A.R..P instructions on what to do in an air raid. Mem bers of tne fctaff read the paragraphs concerning incendiary bombs untiJ word-perfect, and then it was decided to hold a test.

Buckets in which to place the bombs and shovels with which to pick them up were ordered. After lengthy cor respondence the firm succeeded in obtaining a real incendiary bomb. When the bomb was placed lighted on the shovel, it burnt a hole through it The shovel was sent back to the makers, with a statement of what had happened.

Experiments were made, and a fresh bomb-shovel was specially manufactured. Another incendiary bomb was obtained It burned clean through the second shovel.

The firm wrote to the authorities asking their advice. Masses of letters passed to and fro. * Finally, there arrived this official pronouncement: "We can only conclude that you must be using the wrong kind of incendiary bomb." .

A. man was approached by an insurance canvasser and asked if he was insured against fire. "Yes" said the other. "Burglary?"

"Well, yes."

"Are you insured against floods?" "Floods?" said the other, showing in terest at last. "How do you stan floods?"

The senior warden and his assistant were on night patrol To their greai indignation they came upon a ligiv from an uncurtained window

Inside a very charming younp woman was undressing

'"Struth!" exclaimed -he assistant This will nevet do."

"It certainly will not." agreed his senior "She must be told about It— tomorrow!"

The vicar had called for tea. and dur ing the conversation got on to one ot his pet subjects, and went on and on talking.

The small child of the house sat open mouthed, drinking it all in. Then •suddenly, when the worthy man paused for breath she turned to her mother and asked:

"Mummy, didn't he bring his 'Amen with him?"

The R.S.M. was teaching the rawer Home Guards how to shoot. One recruit was particularly bad and didn't hit the target once.

"What's the matter shouted the R.S.M.

with you?"

"1 can't understand it," answered the rookie. "They're leaving this end all rifihi."

"The heroine of this story must have had queer eyes, the things she did with i hem," remarked the reader to his wife

"First of all she threw her eyes up to the ceiling. Then she let them drop on the floor. After that she larted them down out of a window and rested them on the cool waters of a lake. Soon she must have got them oack again, for when we next hear ot Her she was bathing them in sad. salt tears wiping them, and sweeping them with long lashes. Once she actually riveted them on the dome; and when ,1 left off she was just fixing them to an .overmantel."

Two old actors meet in the Strand Cine is carrying a cigar-box.

First Actor: Corona? Second Actor: No. laddie, moving!

Ah, laddie, Corona-

The small boy asked the chemist for ' wo-penny-worth of ipecacuanha. "And please." he said, "Mummy says will you charge it to her account?"

"Yes my little man." answered the chemist, "and what is"your name?" "Higglespeake." The day was sultry.

"Here you are." said the chemist. 'Tell your mother she can have it for . nothing. t I'm not going to write ipecacuanha' and 'Higglespeake' on a day like this just for twopence."

A lion escaped from an American circus and ran wild through the countryside. Immediately a party was formed to hunt for the ferocious beast. Before starting on the dangerous trek the sheriff took the members of the party Into his office.

"Have a drink k boys, before we go on the lion-hunt." •

All accepted save Herman Schultbunder.

"Come on, take a whisky, Herman!" cried the sheriff.

"Not me," answered Herman:, giffs me too mucL courage."

The comedian was reviewing to an audience in the club his recent country tour. Everywhere, according to him, he was a sensation. Even in the very toughest towns. Speaking of one small town he. shook his head sadly, however. ,

"Now there," he observed, "was a tough audience. Really tough, I mean. Why, the act ahead of me was hissed off the stage. Yes. really. They just hissed and hissed until he had to get off!"

His voice dropped to a confidential whisper. "It was Charlie Jones," he told them. "Poor old Charlie! He got it in the neck." .

"How did you get on?" asked one of the listeners. - ; . . •

"Oh, fine," replied the comedian airily. "I went over with a bang. But the funniest thing happened. Right in the middle of my act they began to hiss Charlie again!" . '

The minister was inquiring of one of his flock why he had not attended church recently. - "Well, you see, sir," said the man* "I've been troubled with a bunion oh my foot." "Strange." murmured the parson,, "that a bunion should impede the pil-j grim's progress."

A pretty young girl applied for a job in an office and was given an application blank to fill out. When she came to the line which read, "bast Engaged." she hesitated a moment and then wrote in a flowing script:

"To Jack Miller."

NEW RELATIVE.

"Now, Mary." said the mistress to the maid fresh from the country, you must remember to say 'Mum' when you speak to me" ■■ "Oh. I couldn't call you that—but 111 nail you Auntie if you tike."

Willie: Can't you give me another atne, mother?

Mother: Why? Willie My teacher is always saymg <he will keep me after school as sure as my name is Willie.

"Just look at that church!" said the Irish soldier after an air raid. "It isn't there!"

It was the young man's first visit to he home of his adored one. and ne seemed to be making a very good imuression. . . , "Havr you any objection to a whisky and soda?" asked his prospective ather-in-law. "Well," replied the young man. Ive never had one before." ' , The father stared. "What, never had a whisky and soda?" "No. sir; never had an objection.

Dictator: And soon there will come a time when every man will do what he likes and he'll be made to If he doesn't!

Any cotintry can feel reasonably safe until Hitler promises not to attack Jt,